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English
5ed
consider a subversion, like :
metronome waggling,
cocking the beat
and throw in something like syncopation
internal alignment done well, some duality
Musical....
...sixty-nine? Music is often used as metaphor for the sex act but here it is not very lyrical.....as 1201 said about an eadlier piece - some unintentional (maybe) humour.
I voted.
Say, you like jazz, too. :-D
I think you have written a poem that mostly works really well as an erotic metaphor. I totally agree with 1201's suggestion about the metronome waggling and cocking the beat. That would be a more understated way of getting your point across without breaking the metaphor, which you don't need to do. Anyone should be able to read your poem and see it as erotica without you being overly obvious in that one place. I don't have a problem with graphic language. I just think that you have written an extended metaphor and you should try to sustain it as such. Once you introduce more overt erotic language, you lose the strength of the metaphor.
Just my opinion Tod and overall I think you're doing great.
NEVER FORGET THE TRIPLE TONGUE
as the Carnival of Venice on the C & D. TK U MLJ LV NV
I don't score art, but this is terrific
all hail our new champion of innuendo, I wouldn't change a word. Of course if you had my piano teacher you would understand. She broke my heart when she eloped, I was 12, she was 20. We never performed your duet....although I guess I one handed it after lessons....
butt in all seriousness, I mean but in all seriousness this is what erotic poetry is all abutt, anyway this is intelligent, fun and light and for me that makes it great....we are lucky to have you, your participation that is...
~
Good metaphor but I do think you need something more to pull it all together, but keep up the good work :)
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