by drteetho
Sadly though it felt unfinished, good writing, but the ending was rushed. The characters were interesting and the plot was different it was a good build then POP!!! It was over.
A big letdown. So much potential.
Even if your character is not big and strong, he should have stood up to the Shane character in some way. Being a coward removes the possibility of fully opening to his woman.
I enjoyed this quite a bit - and hope that you decide to continue it. There were breadcrumbs for several plot points that could be expanded on.
If not, I'll just have to read your next about something else...
I like your style, I just hope that Shane gets his ass kicked if your story continues.
Good have been a bitt longer at the end but still worth the 5 *.
At first it was all a little too sweet, sickly sweet, if you know what I mean. She was too perfect. He was too nice. Then you flipped it all around and she fucks his brains out in public and acts and talks like a slut. I don't get it.
I think there was a good story in there somewhere, but it got lost. You created some conflict with Shane, but left it hanging with nothing but squealing tires. Better if they hadn't had sex yet and there was a confrontation in the parking lot. Nothing overly macho, just a small dust up. The perhaps they get together after when she is patching him up, confesses her feelings, etc.
Although you tried to weave it in, there was not much point to the kid with cancer or the old man other than the fact he caught them. That would have been enough. The conversation with him was strange in that it occurred at all.
I liked it. A spectator sport? Let's hope for more than that!
It was out of character for Jake, who respects women so very much, to have public sex with Rebekah suddenly like that. And if Shane or his buds had seen it, they would have spread the word far and wide about her being such a "slut".
I agree with another comment that it would have been better for Jake and Rebekah to have become an obvious couple at the cruise, have a "drunk" Shane run into them at some point trying to take Rebekah away only to have Jake firmly rebuff him. Wouldn't have needed a fight or anything, just some clever dialogue.
Jake and Rebekah could then have had their initial hot sex at his place. But I did enjoy your writing. Thanks!