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English
Bad writing
First, the premise is just simple-minded, more a teen fantasy than anything else.
Second, your grasp of writing structure is underdeveloped.
Third, and perhaps worst, you start in one tense, switch to another, and back and forth. Present-tense writing is usually a very bad idea.
At the very least, get an editor.
First order of a sentry...
I will walk my post in a military manner....
Can you say court marshel?
This is not a English 101
lighten up dickheads. this a sex site, not Newsweek. The guy is trying. Sex was good hot
Military missteps aside...
The sex was good and hot. Not bad.
4 Stars.
But yeah, if this was RL, a court martial would be in order. lol
Not bad for a first try
Like the other reader said, your story is riddled with mechanical problems--changing tense, wrong tense, wrong word, misspellings, etc. But you had more courage than most and you did invite input. All that said, the sex, which was obviously the point of the story, was fairly hot, even if it was a little short. But you have to start somewhere. You seem to have a grasp of content and how to describe, at least the beginnings of a grasp. Next time get someone to edit for you before you post. I think you have potential. And no, it's not English 101 but I still want to see it well-written so it's not distracting. Write some more.
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