Good start. What is the guy's name? You went back and forth between the names Jonah and Justin. That one error was distracting, all others I can overlook.
I really like the idea of using the songs to further illustrate the atmosphere you want to create; however, I felt the first and last set of lyrics used (Coldplay and Wale) were more than a bit distracting and awkwardly placed, and they did not fully tie into the story. There was nothing in the initial interaction between Cassie and Jonah/Justin that would justify referencing driving someone away, and they didn't yet know one another that they could be experiencing that deep pining for each other that the lyrics indicate...
Perhaps offering a play list at the beginning of the chapter and then indirectly referencing the lyrics when necessary, instead of using them in the text verbatim, would work better. Maybe something along the lines of, "one glance into his intense blue eyes and she knew she was a goner. In her minds eye, Cassie could see the sparks fly while Coldplay front man Chris Martin crooned a gentle chorus of 'la la la.'" ... Then in the next scene, instead of having actual lyrics, you could just have, "The words of Wale's 'Lotus Flower Bomb' reverberated..."
Another thing from a technical standpoint that I found to be quite distracting was the use of symbols throughout. Asterisks (*) can certainly be helpful, but it's not the best way to indicate inner thoughts. The music notes were also a bit distracting, and the word "and" should always be spelled out--never abbreviated with the ampersand (&) in a fully written text. If you know a bit of basic HTML, consider italicizing inner thoughts (i and /i, in the appropriate brackets) and bold-italicizing any lyrics you wish to keep (b and i and then /b and /i).
These are all things a good editor would see you through, so the great story you have to tell can shine through :-) I hope I did not offend, as I truly think you have a good story and all criticism I offer is constructive, to help make it that much better. Keep up the good work!
I like the idea of a piece of music inspiring your story. The lyrics fit in the bar, but I was slightly confused in the restaurant. Was the music being played or was it just in her head? I have to read that part again.
After the name issue is taken care of, the story will still be worth reading. Great start. -LSE
English
mmmmmmm HOTTT!!!!!!
the chapter was too short hun but I love love LOVED it!!!! 5* and a great start!!!!! ;3
Good start. What is the guy's name? You went back and forth between the names Jonah and Justin. That one error was distracting, all others I can overlook.
Distractions
I really like the idea of using the songs to further illustrate the atmosphere you want to create; however, I felt the first and last set of lyrics used (Coldplay and Wale) were more than a bit distracting and awkwardly placed, and they did not fully tie into the story. There was nothing in the initial interaction between Cassie and Jonah/Justin that would justify referencing driving someone away, and they didn't yet know one another that they could be experiencing that deep pining for each other that the lyrics indicate...
Perhaps offering a play list at the beginning of the chapter and then indirectly referencing the lyrics when necessary, instead of using them in the text verbatim, would work better. Maybe something along the lines of, "one glance into his intense blue eyes and she knew she was a goner. In her minds eye, Cassie could see the sparks fly while Coldplay front man Chris Martin crooned a gentle chorus of 'la la la.'" ... Then in the next scene, instead of having actual lyrics, you could just have, "The words of Wale's 'Lotus Flower Bomb' reverberated..."
Another thing from a technical standpoint that I found to be quite distracting was the use of symbols throughout. Asterisks (*) can certainly be helpful, but it's not the best way to indicate inner thoughts. The music notes were also a bit distracting, and the word "and" should always be spelled out--never abbreviated with the ampersand (&) in a fully written text. If you know a bit of basic HTML, consider italicizing inner thoughts (i and /i, in the appropriate brackets) and bold-italicizing any lyrics you wish to keep (b and i and then /b and /i).
These are all things a good editor would see you through, so the great story you have to tell can shine through :-) I hope I did not offend, as I truly think you have a good story and all criticism I offer is constructive, to help make it that much better. Keep up the good work!
More please.
Good start. The name thing was very bothersome. But I can't wait to read more.
It has my attention.
Please continue the story. Great beginning.
Which is it?
Jonah or Justin? All in all, a promising beginning. Liked it so far.
I'd give it 5 Stars if voting was turned on.
*****
Promising, but a good editor would improve it.
Five.
Beautiful
Great beginning please update soon
Jonah or Justin? Make up your mind, I gave up when his name kept changing.
So sorry about the name switches
I'd originally picked Justin but then I changed it to Jonah & my editor even corrected them for me. It'll be fixed in the next chapter.
Fellow Music Lover
I like the idea of a piece of music inspiring your story. The lyrics fit in the bar, but I was slightly confused in the restaurant. Was the music being played or was it just in her head? I have to read that part again.
After the name issue is taken care of, the story will still be worth reading. Great start. -LSE
MORE PLEASE
I LIKE IT SO FAR
Please
Good start now how about an update
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