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English
LOVE IN ITSELF IS STRANGE
all different peoples seeking a change, TK U MLJ LV NV
Well Written
I like the perspective and the way you built the story line. You can take this a page or 2 at a time many different directions in the characters lives. Excellent.
Good
Nice story, but...always a but. It didn't ring true starting when she went up to his hotel room. You had set her up as a shy, quiet girl, who had the courage to strip naked and dance in public, while remaining a nice girl. So she she meets and old friend, and you had her fucking him an hour or two after meeting up with him. Even if she wanted to, which she did, I don't think she would havet because she wouldn't have wanted him to think she was easy.
I think it would have been more realistic if in his hotel parking lor, they had necked a bit and they exchanged contact info and then spent time on the phone. Yhey could have talked on the phone as she drove home. Rather than making her out to be some poor waif floundering in life, (poor self esteem hard up for money) and therefore desparate to please a man who might support her, I wish she had shown some balls. Dancing naked and controlling the punters could build self esteem, and seeing lusting, unsatisfied men at their worst, would make he a little more leary of them. At the same time, if she liked Brendone, I think she would have wanted to put some distance between herself and the titty bar to emphasize that she just because she was a naked dancer, she really wasn't a slut.
During their date, far from the titty bar, as Jane and Brandon, where people knew them, she could fuck him without guilt because she, Jane, was hot for him.
Oh well, good writing and I gave it a 5 because I can see the talent behind the story
Chilley.
@Chilleywilley
If this was a longer story, at least 3 pages, I would probably agree with you, but this was just a short flash story, and in that regard I give it 5 * for a sweet story.
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