All Comments on 'Traitor's Daughter Ch. 02'

Keep writing, your story telling is great. However, please try and concentrate on Dmitry and Lexi, not these extra characters you've brought in. I loved Dmitry at the beginning of this chapter but then it's like you changed your mind and went in a different direction. I like how you started, more than how you went on. Good work though.

wow. you are a great story teller. gripping story.

I do hope Dimitry helps Lexi. saves her from those cruel people and keeps her for himself. it was too violent at first. the tearing and such.

Sorry for the errors! Will do better next time. The next chapters are longer and only Dmitry and Lexi and history. -thanks for the feedback! Please, any suggestions regarding my sentence structure would be appreciated! -thanks- Tatum

About time we had another good strong fight back queen.

Make those bastards suffer too.

I am absolutely digging this story. So glad that Lexi took that U turn from breaking down to resolve upon revenge. Good for her! (Those last 3 lines of resolve were awesome...loved the Kill Bill reference :P ) As a reader though, it is getting hard to hate Dmitry after this chapter. We are allowed to feel a little stockholm on her behalf right :) Looking forward to the flashback chapter...an insight into Dmitry's suffering would be helpful.

The sentences flow smoothly and the structure seems fine to me in the sense that it doesn't detract from the story. There are a few grammatical errors though like "Dmitry's body tensed and he tried to swallow passed the lump in his throat". Maybe consider getting an editor.

I actually liked that you set up Dimitry to have some competition for Lexi. That was a good move, because otherwise there's a lot of psychological stuff that can get repetitive if it's just two characters. I like that you have some sickos there, and we can't get inside their heads. Well done!

"Vascak ran his hands down Lexi's ribcage to her waste."

"Dr. Vascak moved between Lexi's legs with a large speculum.

Placing it at her entrance she shoved it in roughly and Lexi howled in pain."

Go Lexi!! Nadja opened a can of worms.

Ok. So sorry about the errors. Kind of submitted in a rush, won't happen again. My degree is in Healthcare Administration & Management so honestly all I know is APA formatting. I did take one creative writing class in high school but did not take it seriously at the time. This is pretty much my first time writing anything besides papers on how healthcare organizations can benefit from evidence based care, strategic marketing plans, proper financial management...etc.

The good doctor is a man, sorry for the confusion. Also, good news a fellow reader has offered to edit my story!! Yea!!!- thanks Tatum

Oh wow what a powerful read. A bad ass is born! I could care less about grammar. I just want to see the dynamic unfold. Please let us know when we can expect Chapter 3

Yes, yes, yes!!!! Amazing!!!

You need to make these chapters longer to put some real meat into this story. These two chapters are just scenes, the rape scene and the doctors office scene. It's not that you need to make the scenes longer, it's that each chapter needs to move the story forward. But you already mentioned you should have combined chapter 1 and 2...

Also, the new characters... Excellent! They are truly sick fucks so they can serve as the fulcrum upon which Demetri balances the two halves of himself.

Excellent! They are truly sick fucks so they can serve as the fulcrum upon which Demetri balances the two halves of himself.

Had to get google translate to that one. I thought a fulcrum was a spaceship in star wars :-))

Really good - waiting for chapter 3

1. When the story is good we readers get to be whiny, greedy, needy things. Just roll your eyes and continue at your pace.

2. Good story trumps editing, but glad to hear you have a editor.

3. The story is obviously our star crossed duo, but the other evil folks are necessary. As lady parts said- a fulcrum for Dimitry. Would he even have progressed to this point without the pack mentality of the group? And as his internal battle progresses, who serves as the threat to them both-those evil sick fucks! :)

4. Revenge is a universal motivator. Worked for the sick fucks, but oops, they have infected Alexis. Bad Guy 101- just kill 'em. Don't play with 'em or go into a long soliloquy. Bite ya in the ass every time... :D

Moremoremore

in the hope that her REVENGE is slow and painful, but as devastating as a nuclear explosion.

With a foul mouth and dirty mind. I am never whiny, greedy or needy.

Thank you Masterfuljim. I prompted a google translate? How curious?

Loving this cant wait for more

She's been brutally raped and is bleeding from both holes and yet she can't stop staring at his beautiful blue eyes?? no "in shock" no "total fear" just an almost jokey sort of internal dialogue.Just when we think Dimitri might have some remorse about the innocent virgin he stands there and lets a doctor shove a speculum up her roughly and another women slap and hurt her breasts ?? I'm still intrigued but keep SOME semblance of reality in the story please.Waiting on chapter three avidly though :-)

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I'm working on cleaning it up and Lexi & Dmitry...A History.

Spearfish - Thanks for reading the story and for the comment. In chapter 3 it explains how Lexi and Dmitry both had rough if not horrific experiences when they were younger (trying not to give too much away). Dmitry fell into anger and violence. Lexi coped with humor and music. At this point in the story she is somewhat delirious, but yes humor is her attempt at having a coping mechanism. - thanks

Obscurelogic - Thanks for the pointers! I appreciate you taking time to help me out.

LadyParts - Thanks for the feedback. Hopefully, if I can convey exactly how I see Lexi and Dmitry, the next couple chapters will display the "real meat" of the characters.

FA_JF - "Star crossed lovers" - yes, I love that.

"These violent delights have violent ends" & my favorite "my only love sprung from my only hate." W. Shakespeare

Thanks everyone! Gotta get back to work - thanks - Tatum

I'm enjoying the basis of this story: family hatred, honor through revenge, kidnapping, etc. However, I think you can also use a good reader and editor to help you along. I would suggest that with each character you write, make sure you have a character chart/cheat sheet to go back to in future chapters. Physical traits, past experiences, personalities, etc. It will help you to ensure you see them clearly, and that you keep them consistent for all of us reading.

My main problem with your story is that you spend too much time on dialogue (inner and among the characters) rather than action. Some of what you have them saying can be construed through actions, looks, facial expressions, tones, and the like. This is a great basis for your story, but I can see you improving greatly over the next few chapters. Don't try to rush a submission... just ensure you are happy with what you have written and are ready to submit the product. People can be harsh, but don't let their opinions cause you to stop writing your story.

I hope you have already planned out this story with a plot chart of some sort, because I'm really hoping to read a completed story by you. I can't wait to see how you help these characters break and grow in different ways.

Just my quirky Brit sense of humour there. No google translates were done.

I feel as if she suffers from multiple personality disorder. She´s supposed to be this nerdy, shy girl, but she contemplates revenge by killing him, joking to herself about her perdicament, about probably being forced to suck him soon. She went from timid to secret agent a bit too fast for my head not to spin.

I agree with the person saying you dont need to put everything in dialogue. Try to paint us the picture by character behaviour. Not everything needs to be explained.

I look forward seeing where you take this.

It is clear that Nadja has lied to the group about Lexi. About how Lexi is personally and making up a cosseted spoilt brat background. This does not absolve Dmitry or the rest of this sadistic little group their behaviour at all, as only someone either extremely stupid, or someone who wanted an excuse to brutalise Lexi would have believed and acted upon such obvious lies, especially after meeting her. Makes me wonder what else Nadja has lied about, and why they so instantly believe her. She is rabidly keen to hurt Lexi, she also seems to have been part of the murder of Lexi's mother. In fact, she is, clearly acting like a jealous psycho who actually wanted Lexi's horrible father, and I have only just 'met' her.

I still cannot see how Lexi could ever forgive the horrendous crimes these sadists have committed against her, especially Dmitry. His giving her over to be tortured again by a lying sadist and a pedophile doctor can only reemphasise this. I don't care how blue his eyes are, I would think that after the shock of her injuries wore off, she'd cheerfully want to stick a knife through them. Especially if he had anything to do with murdering her mother.

From Dmitry's internal monologue, I'm guessing he is going to want some sort of s&m relationship with Lexi. I really don't know how that is going to be possible. Even if she could forgive such a brutal rape, to now expect her to let him hurt her for his sexual gratification after what he has done is sickening. Even if the other men in the group turn out to be worse than he is, (and I really hope this will not be a series of one-upmanship sadism and rape), making him the least sadistic rapist will never make him the hero.

Ugh, I hope she puts a bullet in all their faces and saves a couple for Dmitry's cock.

Is this some exclamation I've never heard of???

Anyway, great chapter. I love the overwhelming feelings of guilt and conflict, though letting her be molested by this trio of sadists was very assholish of Demitry, so I think that simply feeling a little bad isn't cutting it for him just yet. There is just something especially grating about a woman that taunts another woman tortuously. I can only hope Lexi gets her hands on Nadja's annoying throat sometime in the future. Great job.

Folks... He is CONFLICTED not REDEEMED at this point. He has his whole life, physically and emotionally, invested with this motley bunch for his mission of revenge. It is much more believable for any change in him to be slow and nonlinear. He is NOT going to have a 'magic pussy' transformation. 'Oh, she's cute and helpless and maybe not evil, even if she is the devil's spawn... I'll just toss my icky cohorts under the next bus.' Ain't happening that way and it makes a stronger story for it.

Now, our poor heroine... she is all goodness and light and butterfly wings (well, until that psycho bitch Nadja pissed her off) so she is just using the coping skills she has used throughout life. Some folks find actively seeking happy places and pretty things (his purty blue eyes) to be away to block out the ugly running amuck. And ugly is amuck.

I do agree there may be more to Nadja than just token psycho bitch. It will be interesting to see how she plays out. (Under a bus could be a good look for her. :D) As to HEA, maybe those two can make it work with- 'we survived all the shit life has tossed at us, wanna go get a beer?'

We all keep spelling his name wrong. Sorry. *snorting laughter*

I checked every day for the next chapter and then slacked off and missed when it posted! Anyway, I'm loving it. Can't wait for Chapter 3. Hurry and write!

That's because we're only 2 chapters in, folks! The author has the whole story to flesh out and develop these people, and we want to know in the first chapter exactly how they are going to react. Let's give him some space. There's a whole lotta back story we don't know yet. When we read a book we can just keep going and learn more about them, but it's harder on Lit because it's one chapter at a time.

Just don't take TOO much time developing them, please; we are hungry wolves circling your door. Woof!

"His face was so close to hers that she couldn't focus on anything he said. She was lost in the intensity of his beautiful eyes. She couldn't and didn't want to escape his stare. Lexi's small hand slipped out of the blanket and she ran her fingers down his cheek."

After he just brutally beat and raped her until she was internally wounded, not to mention he talks about how he going to murder her... THIS is her reaction? She is already acting like a love sick puppy? I call bullshit. Stop trying to force chemistry between the asshole rapist and the female lead to rush the plot along. It's totally unnatural for her to be crushing on this guy after what she just endured.

I;m really loving this story so far! I get why it's a little too violent for some people but I'm personally fine with where it's going. I can't wait to see the next installment...there are a lot of very interesting ways you can take the storyline:D Well, Happy writing!

~Juli

I'm with the other masochists out there, bring it on!

Hi All,

Still working on TD3 should be done soon!!! Thanks for the feedback and for reading TD - Tatum

Should be posted soon! Thanks for reading - Tatum

OMG, can't wait. I've been checking every day.

Please submit the rest of the story soon.. I cant wait...please

Because I see the eventual happy end in sight. This is a man with pain who is trying to get past it. He will eventually realize right before something happens that would cause Lexi to be gone for good, that he loves her and wants her for himself and he will forsake his past....At least that's what I see happening. Senseless violence does not turn me on, but redemptive violence does.

I submitted TD3 on Tuesday so it should be up soon. To Anon that posted last on the board. I am right there with ya! I love stories of redemption...they are my fav.

This story is mapped and outlined and I hate to disappoint anyone by saying it will continue to be violent for a bit. But I hope people give it a chance and hold on until the story takes complete shape - thanks everyone - Tatum

wow i cannot believe how slow the literotica ppl are being I can't wait for the next chapter!!!!!!

Hi All,

I just checked again and TD3 is still pending. There may have been a ton of submission due to the Halloween contest.

Good news, I am almost done with TD4!!! - thanks - Tatum

Happy Halloween!

TD3 is still pending. Kinda bummed. Hopefully sometime today. :( thanks - Tatum

I've been checking daily! You submitted it on Tuesday 10/22? Wow. That's when I submitted mine and it posted 2 days ago. If it is not up today I would send a pm to Laurel (through the forum).

I'll cross my fingers.... I have a long bus trip home today... Would love something juicy to read.

Yeah I submitted around midnight 10/22. I think I will take your advice and send an email. I hope I didn't write something that can't be approved :(

Thanks - Tatum

PLeassssssssssse pretty please finish your traitors story it has so much potential and I think you should finish it .PLease

It's been a while since you've updated. And we know you're busy with work but you've started a really great story and it's not fair to leave us hanging. If you need an editor or someone to bounce ideas off of Literotica is full of individuals like that who would be more than willing. Get help or let your fans know that you've quit so we can leave you alone.

Xoxo

Ok. I love a man that struggles, but damn! I know it it happen but how can lexi fall for him after what he did!?

Guess I'll have to read 3 to find out....

Off I go!

The characters are totally addictive, I want to know more about all of them! I peeked ahead and I know that ch 04 isn't the end, so please don't make me wait forever when I just found twisted, broken Dmitry! Love her little snap of defiance at the end of this chapter instead of resigned acceptance.

More of the same theme here, but the torture is going on in Dmitry's mind. His though process through the story has been as fascinating as has Alex's. Further into this dark place we will go.

Encore un grand chapitre, cette clinique fait froid dans le dos...

Lexi est une combattante, j'aime son caractère. Celui de Dimitri est tourmenté...

Merci pour le partage !

so they killed her mom and yet probably dad too but yet they arent done yet she felt all they felt probably more