I feel like there could have been more build up with the sister not just jumping straight to trying to turn her brother on so quickly but other than that this is a promising story.
And he wins the lottery the very next day! As if a young, shy VIRGIN is going to get on his knees IN A THEATER and eat his sister to a loud orgasm? Sorry, but you lost me when he pulled her skirt off. Every fantasy has to have some root in reality, but this one departed too far, too quickly!
by
Anonymous10/04/13
fair to good
You need to develop your characters more. What is there about the sister that would suddenly produce the kind of behavior she exhibited? Where did this come from? Was there anything about the relationship between brother and sister which would make the behavior more understandable?
THANKS FOR MAKING ME HARD. Great story . I can't wait for chapter 2.
by
Anonymous10/05/13
Could be Promising
I agree with the other comments made by the other readers. You as a new writer may wanna take it a little slower and develop your characters & their own individual actions first to create more sensuallity as well as enticement. You're on the right track and your vivid imagination can definitely flourish...keep it up!!!
Good story look forward to chp2 but you need to build up the chacters a bit more. Defenteinely look forward to part 2
by
Anonymous10/13/13
good story
Great story and I agree with most of the other readers comments. you need to give a little more background on the kids first but you are doing for your first try so keep up the good work and looking forward to Ch. 2
English
Pretty good
I feel like there could have been more build up with the sister not just jumping straight to trying to turn her brother on so quickly but other than that this is a promising story.
Suspension of Disbelief Required
And he wins the lottery the very next day! As if a young, shy VIRGIN is going to get on his knees IN A THEATER and eat his sister to a loud orgasm? Sorry, but you lost me when he pulled her skirt off. Every fantasy has to have some root in reality, but this one departed too far, too quickly!
fair to good
You need to develop your characters more. What is there about the sister that would suddenly produce the kind of behavior she exhibited? Where did this come from? Was there anything about the relationship between brother and sister which would make the behavior more understandable?
WOW
THANKS FOR MAKING ME HARD. Great story . I can't wait for chapter 2.
Could be Promising
I agree with the other comments made by the other readers. You as a new writer may wanna take it a little slower and develop your characters & their own individual actions first to create more sensuallity as well as enticement. You're on the right track and your vivid imagination can definitely flourish...keep it up!!!
Liked it but...
Good story look forward to chp2 but you need to build up the chacters a bit more. Defenteinely look forward to part 2
good story
Great story and I agree with most of the other readers comments. you need to give a little more background on the kids first but you are doing for your first try so keep up the good work and looking forward to Ch. 2
so far
not bad,not great but worth a read & hope next chapter is up ASAP
:( I was really hoping for another chapter. Damn...
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