You desperately need an editor. Sentence structure is fuzzy, you confuse homophones ("its" and "it's" particularly), and a bunch of minor things.
That said, your heart (and/or other parts) are clearly in the right place, so I'd encourage you to continue writing. Find an editor through Lit's volunteer editor program, and keep at it. Trust me when I say that writing is a craft, and you have to do it over and over and over. :)
I thought you did rather well. And your thinking was absolutely correct that this tale BELONGS in the Halloween contest.
On the down side, I will admit that I, too, was somewhat distracted in places, trying to puzzle out what was meant. And, yes, a volunteer editor could help with that quite a bit. I generally try not to be a "Grammar Nazi". However, it is important to note that writing is communication. Too many grammar mistakes (floppy tenses for example) and spelling errors can be like trying to speak a story with a mouthful of noodle soup. Even when they get the idea, having to wipe down their face with a napkin can be distracting. Other than that, I would chop out all of the parenthetical statements. I understand WHY you put them in. But, I think they backfired on you.
Hey, it's a process. I've only got 12 on the boards myself and I'm still learning. Another author whom I won't name (partially since they use so many pseudonyms, I wouldn't know which to credit) has a few thousand and will be the first to tell you they are still learning as well.
The one thing I am most curious about, if you truly ARE into Hentai, and that wasn't just characterization, is why you didn't choose to submit in the illustrated category. (wink)
Have fun and I look forward to seeing more of your work.
It is good as an introduction, but now what? Does the narrator meet the monster? Why her? What is its purpose? How does she get rid of it? Does she really want to? Perhaps she wouldn't if she knew what was going on? Or is she just a paranoid delusional "white bitch"? Don't leave it hanging!
I like this story. It was really cool, original, and very imaginative. You've got a creative mind and I will happily read more stories of yours.
The however comes with how it's actually written. There were parts I couldn't tell if it was the conversation the two girls were having or if you were throwing narrative in there between lines. It made the read a little choppy. I'm not a grammar nazi in any way. I followed the story well and I'm not here to critique your writing. I enjoy the creative aspect of it, and you have a lot of creativity. It would have made for an easier read if the narrative and the characterized conversation was broken up.
Good job. I hope to read more of your work. If you enjoy reading, check the two I have posted. I'd love to hear what you think.
You have a crazy, wild imagination. The story was entertaining, and your style is unique. I think if you iron out some of the mechanics and stay consistent with your verb tense, you will do well here.
English
Not bad, but...
You desperately need an editor. Sentence structure is fuzzy, you confuse homophones ("its" and "it's" particularly), and a bunch of minor things.
That said, your heart (and/or other parts) are clearly in the right place, so I'd encourage you to continue writing. Find an editor through Lit's volunteer editor program, and keep at it. Trust me when I say that writing is a craft, and you have to do it over and over and over. :)
I agree
The start of a good story (and I don't often say that), would love to read more, but all the errors were distracting me.
Good luck!
For a first submission...
I thought you did rather well. And your thinking was absolutely correct that this tale BELONGS in the Halloween contest.
On the down side, I will admit that I, too, was somewhat distracted in places, trying to puzzle out what was meant. And, yes, a volunteer editor could help with that quite a bit. I generally try not to be a "Grammar Nazi". However, it is important to note that writing is communication. Too many grammar mistakes (floppy tenses for example) and spelling errors can be like trying to speak a story with a mouthful of noodle soup. Even when they get the idea, having to wipe down their face with a napkin can be distracting. Other than that, I would chop out all of the parenthetical statements. I understand WHY you put them in. But, I think they backfired on you.
Hey, it's a process. I've only got 12 on the boards myself and I'm still learning. Another author whom I won't name (partially since they use so many pseudonyms, I wouldn't know which to credit) has a few thousand and will be the first to tell you they are still learning as well.
The one thing I am most curious about, if you truly ARE into Hentai, and that wasn't just characterization, is why you didn't choose to submit in the illustrated category. (wink)
Have fun and I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Sounds good but...
It is good as an introduction, but now what? Does the narrator meet the monster? Why her? What is its purpose? How does she get rid of it? Does she really want to? Perhaps she wouldn't if she knew what was going on? Or is she just a paranoid delusional "white bitch"? Don't leave it hanging!
freakiness at its best!
damn, this was freaky!
I would love to read more of your stuff.
Very Interesting....However
I like this story. It was really cool, original, and very imaginative. You've got a creative mind and I will happily read more stories of yours.
The however comes with how it's actually written. There were parts I couldn't tell if it was the conversation the two girls were having or if you were throwing narrative in there between lines. It made the read a little choppy. I'm not a grammar nazi in any way. I followed the story well and I'm not here to critique your writing. I enjoy the creative aspect of it, and you have a lot of creativity. It would have made for an easier read if the narrative and the characterized conversation was broken up.
Good job. I hope to read more of your work. If you enjoy reading, check the two I have posted. I'd love to hear what you think.
Gee. I only have junk in my closet.
You have a crazy, wild imagination. The story was entertaining, and your style is unique. I think if you iron out some of the mechanics and stay consistent with your verb tense, you will do well here.
Cool Story
That was a cool story, but also pretty weird.
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