- All
Comments (6) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
Promising, but get a competent editor
The opening paragraphs were a mess, introducing far too many character names too quickly, and in a disjointed manner. I wasn't even sure that our protagonist was Randall
you also were frequently inconsistent with tense, at least once switching tense within a single sentence! ("All he could do is moan." - should have been "All he could do WAS moan.", because "could" is past tense, but "is" is present tense). There were also times when a word was apparently left out of a sentence. I wanted to like it, but it was, quite frankly, a mess.
Help needed
I cannot disagree with other comments concerning your writing style. It is pretty poor and needs a lot of work, so you should get yourself an editor asap.
However, the story has some promise, so I am sure it will only be a matter of time before you come up with something that is publishable.
What?
I'm sorry. In regard to previous comments - I didn't realize that this was a literary proficiency site?
I could follow the story and I think that's what matters,not the errors in punctuation or spelling or whatever!
You Need Help
Good story line but it was very hard to follow because of the formatting, spelling, word choice and punctuation errors. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from an expert but your effort here was just too wrong to read easily enough to be really enjoyable. I don't normally complain or even notice writing errors unless they are really, really bad. Keep writing but please either find an editor or put more time into self editing. Use spellchecker.
Leave out...
If you leave out all the introduction, which did nothing for your story, you had the beginnings of a very tender romance. With the introduction, I barely made it that far.
Get an editor!
An editor would help with things like: "It (He) hit's the button to make it glow. "5:43 a.m." the green glow tells him, as if it was alive and taking (talking) to him." An alive and talking watch??? "....She said, tears forming in her eyes, filling like swimming pools, getting ready for a kid to cannonball in." A terrible simile!
"She straddled his lap and before she sat down on his lap....and pushed him flat on his back." O.K. he's on his back and she's on top. THEN you say, " Randal brought her back down for a kiss and held her tightly, as he rolled them over, so he was not on top." I'm totally confused on how "he rolled them over, so he was not on top." As I said, you need an editor! And No, I'm not a literary expert, but it's frustrating when a good idea is hurt by poor writing.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Just Friends?? or
More submissions by bringosexytinger.