All Comments on 'Creating Shadows'

dropped acid?

serious suggestion. consider present tense

as a photograph of your soul, dance. etc.

btw the dark light things are made by the photograph, pardon the pun developed. good job on your part.

5ed

and good luck.

Nicely done, tod! I like the flow of it; the short lines read faster, like two impatient lovers, at least for me.

A quibble: "lovers" and "twilights" should have apostrophes.

Great last stanza. Great climax, pun intended.

For me the poem never quite gets over "infinitesimal" in the first line. Six syllables is distracting like a big fence to be stumbled over, something shorter perhaps? Otherwise interesting, the odd word might be pruned here and there but maybe not.

What I find interesting about your writing, Todski, is it's rawness. Not in the sense of harsh, but in the sense of unfinished. Don't take that as a criticism - it's not. Reading your pieces, I suspect many have the urge to move a line here, add punctuation there, cut out this or that, change a title. I do at least. But then I re-read, and decide I like it as is. Though in this case, I would check your punctuation (because..well...that's how I roll). I would have titled this Twilight and changed it accordingly. Now ignore me.

Have to agree with ishtat about infinitesimal; hadn't considered it; makes sense.

and I have to admit I rushed to comment before completely digesting the content,

but the lines were so... succinct(?) Oh, and the title, yeah, I see it.

Sunrise , sunset

& then at last when our eyes

Met !!!

Killer lines , Tod !! High 5-ed .

12 makes a good point about tense, maybe see how it'd work as present, but the concept and framing's all there. i especially like how you use the N and the person spoken about as the fixed points of physicality able to make their own shadows (interaction of light/solid objects) in a space where none exist. nice one, tods x

This is one of those poems that by the end of each reading sends back, anew, to its beginning. Each time through, layers of imagery and meaning inform what last I read and each time through has been a distinct pleasure.

Very well done.

Wow, this one is beautiful. I was left wondering if by darkness and light you were alluding to her personality, which causes him both happiness and sorrow, or just describing the moment of twilight...

It is both her personality but also her as a person in a relationship you have peaks and troughs highs and lows dark and light. If you can find those perfect moments that you share it makes it all worth it.

Every once in a while I become transfixed by a single line. In this case it's "the colour of happenstance". First it made me smile, then it made me wonder, which caused me to ponder and...transfixed I began to sense it until it finally bloomed revealing itself. Thank you, it's quite a lovely colour.

I was drawn to this by seeing that someone had favourited it and as I seldom see one by you, I went to read this. OK, you do occasionally put one in Erotic Poetry but I seldom go there as ‘erotic’ poems like ‘erotic’ photographs seldom are. And those that aren’t can be quite depressing. Anyway, I do end up reading your erotic poems – which are both erotic and very good – long after everyone else and find myself reluctant and almost shy to leave a comment. I am glad to see I did on ‘Accounting & Building’.

This is lovely and evocative and deserves its favouriting.

I do have one constructive comment. You twice use a word out of common use. One works I think - ‘happenstance’ (incidentally not on the banned list of ‘poetic’ words used by the Victorians) which just hangs in the air beautifully. ‘Thrice’ is a pity and I think you would be better with ‘three times’. ‘Thrice’ sticks out like a sore thumb and draws the eye and mind impeding the message, emotional or rational, from being conveyed. In my opinion.

I look forward to seeing your next poem, erotic or otherwise.

done

I felt the electricity of your last line.