Primrose High Ch. 01

Yes. More.

You get dialogue, you get pacing, you get atmosphere, you get tension. You get any number of other things I have forgotten. This is a great start, 5* and I hope you follow it up as you've been thinking.

@ Quincel

I don't comment ever, so I don't know how to reply. Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed the start of the story. That's definitely good motivation to continue writing. I have a detailed outline with at least five more chapter, each probably twice the length of this one or more. We'll see if that balloons as I write. Rereading chapter one I can see some grammar errors. I'll proof better in the future.

While I have everything planned out I would like requests or ideas! :)

I'll try to follow up with chapter two soon!

Could be....

You have a damn good start. This good turn in to a damn good story depending on how you write it. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess the counselor is some sort of hypnotist/mind controlling super bitch and our main character and Bethany are either immune, can resit, or have the same abilities. If I'm wrong cool, if not you might have Josh end up subverting her, or a combo of Josh and Bethany. Hopefully you get the story off right. Good luck to you and I'll be waiting for more.

Will there be erotic elements?

You set the statge well but the beige and prim atmosphere does not bode well for Literotica. The next chapter should show that under every long time female students' clothes are the sexiest of lingerie and grooming. The terror of it all should slowly be replaced by a dom/sub vibe.

I 4 starred you

The only character I have empathy for is that passive/aggressive bitch sister. Beth is such a non-name anyway. A female name for someone with no sexual response, but I'll see how you handle her.

Not really much here to prompt responses. As to feedback I'd recommend an editor or at a minimum a re-read to check redundant word use and spelling. That's no snide attempt at kicking you. Honest comment.

Put some thick pussy fur on at least one character. Gives the story something for everyone because most writers think all audiences want a baby fresh bald look when it simply is not true. Also, tits come in all sizes and again, huge cantaloupe breasts with acorn size nipples are not every persons idea of exciting. Be diverse.

Feedback

Forgottenpain: You're close, but not exactly. Hopefully I'll give you a bit of a surprise. That's the general direction I'm planning.

Anon: That's not quite the tack I was heading, but there will be erotic things happening soon. I want more a corruption of innocence than a school of easy bimbos. I personally enjoy more of a challenge for the main characters.

Danno_61455: I read over my post and there are many errors. It's totally fair to point that out. I'll try to proofread better in the future. I'm hoping Beth won't be too cliche dull for you. I do have plans. I will also be trying for diversity. Every women won't have K size breasts and blonde hair. I think that gets dull quickly and I know others want more than that. Thanks for the feedback!

I'm a little confused.

Why was Josh sent to Primrose High? by his own admission, he wasn't a problem child, just an ordinary student. Why does his mother hate him and favor his sister, even though she sounds like the one who would require "guidance"? Where had Josh come home from? how did he get there? Why has he been estranged from his mother for "one year, six months, seventeen days " ? His sister refers to him as " delinquent crotch fruit", but there is no evidence that he was juvenile delinquent. It appears that the only problem was his mother and sister. This has the makings of a very good story but you need to provide more complete background on Josh.

Phil_Patsfan: I definitely plan to address all those things you mentioned. I was trying to hook the readers along with a little curiosity. Thanks for the feedback. :) A much longer chapter should be done next week that will flesh out the characters quite a bit. I hope you'll check back and let me know how I did.

Well I definitely want to know more, the idea has been done before but not so often that I despise it like a lot of other cliches and I'm interested to see what new elements you can inject into the old formula, write on!

I hope I bring some originality to the trope. :) Chapter 2 is awaiting approval; once it's up I'd like to know if you think I managed to do it or not.

A couple of problems

Why is Christie 19 if she's a senior? Also, 60 point Arial gives letters 5/6 of an inch tall - not nearly enough to make a screaming banner sign on the wall.

Problems

Thanks for the feedback. I had Christie be 19 because this is a school for 'problem' teens and thus they may have been held back a year, or in some other way be older having missed some schooling. Also I think 60 points is fairly large for a print out. It may not sound that large but it looks appropriately poster sized. When I revise and compile everything after the story is completed I'll bump that up to drive the point home and make the reason for the ages more clear.

Well done, good start

Awesome!

Really well written. Some minor typos, but great work.