It seems that the boss had a split personality and the bad half, Fred, needed to be killed because he was wasn't a nice guy. There is no better reason for murder. You have to love a wife that kills people that annoy her. I hope she treats Mark and John a lot better!
it's still a little boring. It's also in the wrong category, should be in non-erotic.
Even so, I still loved the writing and gave it a 5 based on pure talent.
I liked your pacing, and appreciated the "camera-view"-like changes in the narrative descriptions. Actually, you caught me up in the plot-twist, and so you were successful in your carefully authored misdirection. Overall, a finely crafted flash story, and a welcome entry into the lexicon of revenge tales stored here on this site. Thank you very much for your work.
by
Anonymous01/04/14
???
???? WTF Names are so confusing, that this is not Sweet sweet sweet.
Kill a guy because he is a jerk? For what his money? Investigation gone cold? Are you nuts? The wife will always be the first suspect, and barring no others appearing, the cops will just sit on her and her aquaintences until someone spills. It won't take all that long.
by
Anonymous01/04/14
Who in the hell is Fred???????
Am I missing something here?
by
Anonymous01/04/14
That was a mess.
I realize you were trying to be creative by flipping back and forth between Marsha and Elizabeth's povs and then dropping John's AND the narrator's into the mix, but it really just turns into nothing more than a mash-up. Doesn't work at all.
And the fact that you can't seem to decide whether your bad guy is named Mark or Fred.
Then of course there's the "sweet" revenge. You sort of touched on it - calling him "borderline" abusive rich guy, but borderline isn't the same as being abusive. Since when is him being a shitty boss and an even shittier husband a sentence worthy of death? Why is Elizabeth compelled to murder her sister's husband? Are they both greedy money-grubbing whores, and she wants to make sure her sister gets ALL of the man's money instead of just half of it in a divorce? Or is she a psychotic bitch who pretends to be "loving" by murdering anyone who doesn't appreciate her husband's godhood? Why is Elizabeth a criminal mastermind that can't possibly be caught by the police? Getting a family member to off a spouse isn't new or even rare. You've offered no motive as to why anyone but his wife and family would be suspects.
None of it really makes sense. You badly need an editor.
I'm not going to score you down because I feel like you were trying to be experimental and failed completely. Experimentation is great, but if it was a "twist" for the sake of being a twist, you need to read some Books of Twisted Stories type genre/anthologies to understand how to do them well.
by
Anonymous01/04/14
Editer???
May I suggest more character development. 3 pages is not too long. I'm sure it's in your head. You just didn't get it on the screen.
... was hard the read, mate. Mark or Fred? You had the essence of a good idea in pulling the various viewpoints along chronologically but the story suffered because you didn't delineate them we'll enough. Was this given to an editor?
With the names and such.For anon,fred is not a jerk,he is obviously abusive,forcing your cock in her mouth,hitting her,throwing her to the floor,is abuse,maybe not in Fox News Land where women are property,but it is.I agree that the revenge is cloudy,like why does elizabeth bother to mask herself,and what is the gift for jogn,having the sister,too? Interesting idea,just needs to be less muddled..
But the execution failed. Mark/Fred and his insanity vs the world OK. Taking Elizabeth from jilling to killing was a mis-step, as was Marsha being John's sister-in-law. I liked your concept, just it needed a lot of tuning to work.
I liked it. I did not find the changing pov distracting, it moved the plot along well. Was there really any reason for Fred becoming Mark? It seemed to have no reason other than Marsha spoke to Fred but John spoke to Mark. Fred/Mark did not appear to be two different personalities. Have I missed something there? The bigger question is what else had Fred done to give Elizabeth enough motive to kill him. Just being an asshole is not sufficient for murder.
Second paragraph "... the bonus would afford HE (something)"
No, HIM! Very fundamental. Then it gets worse!
Most of what the 'happy couple' recall is actually irrelevant to the story! Makes NO difference! Why hide the 'sister' relationship? The two wives being related is also irrelevant! A novice hit-lady offs her Hubby's boss, and the cops can't find the killer? They won't bother to check Boss's Sweetie's recent calls? Including one to her Sis, who will now test positive for gunpowder for several more days (in addition to Jill-off Juice!) Very implausible! Sweetie Liz tells Hubby how her evening went ... "Honey, I smoked Fred, but MARK and Marsha will probably live happily ever after!". Hubby reacts with aplomb ... "Yeah, but there goes my HUGE bonus that FRED promised!"
The darting back and forth between the 4 characters was irritating at first but fit in over the story.
The confusion between Fred and Mark was very distracting.
The ending grew on me.
Over all a very good read.
by
Anonymous01/05/14
Clever
While the cops are searching for Fred's killer, Mark's killer will escape unnoticed.
I liked the back and forth between Marsha and Elizabeth's lives and discovering they were sisters. A bit of a reach but OK within the context of a "story". But you lost me with the two characters John and Mark. They seemed to be the same person. Maybe it's me, but I doubt it. I'll be interested to see what may be coming next.
by
Anonymous01/05/14
Just too damn confusing
And I read it twice. Next time just kill everyone and then it will make some kind of sense. Otherwise you end up with this pile of garbage.
Except for the constant mix-ups with Fred/Mark I found it entertaining and not that hard to follow.
Good one. Just need one more proof read before posting.
You left the readers in the dark here. Revenge for what? FTDS! Cheers!
by
Anonymous12/26/16
Wow!
I didn't see that one coming at all. The story was so short and so void of information about the characters that I just didn't even imagine any kind of ending like that.
But all 5 of the 4 people were messed up. Even if the constant name errors were corrected it would still have been unclear who did what to whom and why.
English
How is Mark doing?
It seems that the boss had a split personality and the bad half, Fred, needed to be killed because he was wasn't a nice guy. There is no better reason for murder. You have to love a wife that kills people that annoy her. I hope she treats Mark and John a lot better!
In spite of how well written this is,
it's still a little boring. It's also in the wrong category, should be in non-erotic.
Even so, I still loved the writing and gave it a 5 based on pure talent.
Great Drive By Story
Wow that's some snapshot of life
OK that made no sense
that was like apple, apple, apple ,here's a watermelon, do what, where did that come from
I do not understand
Do two name belong to one man???
Well Done!
I liked your pacing, and appreciated the "camera-view"-like changes in the narrative descriptions. Actually, you caught me up in the plot-twist, and so you were successful in your carefully authored misdirection. Overall, a finely crafted flash story, and a welcome entry into the lexicon of revenge tales stored here on this site. Thank you very much for your work.
???
???? WTF Names are so confusing, that this is not Sweet sweet sweet.
Sorry
Enjoyed it
You have decent writing skills, but the ending outweighed the buildup. It was difficult for it to have the kind of impact I am sure you intended.
You either
confused Mark and Fred or most of your readers. Clear communication, even if you use plot twists to add interest is still required of an author.
Well that thoroughly confused the hell out of me!
Shit, pure and simple
Poorly written, jumping between scenes without indications, just a total waste of time.
Huh? Wha?
Kill a guy because he is a jerk? For what his money? Investigation gone cold? Are you nuts? The wife will always be the first suspect, and barring no others appearing, the cops will just sit on her and her aquaintences until someone spills. It won't take all that long.
Who in the hell is Fred???????
Am I missing something here?
That was a mess.
I realize you were trying to be creative by flipping back and forth between Marsha and Elizabeth's povs and then dropping John's AND the narrator's into the mix, but it really just turns into nothing more than a mash-up. Doesn't work at all.
And the fact that you can't seem to decide whether your bad guy is named Mark or Fred.
Then of course there's the "sweet" revenge. You sort of touched on it - calling him "borderline" abusive rich guy, but borderline isn't the same as being abusive. Since when is him being a shitty boss and an even shittier husband a sentence worthy of death? Why is Elizabeth compelled to murder her sister's husband? Are they both greedy money-grubbing whores, and she wants to make sure her sister gets ALL of the man's money instead of just half of it in a divorce? Or is she a psychotic bitch who pretends to be "loving" by murdering anyone who doesn't appreciate her husband's godhood? Why is Elizabeth a criminal mastermind that can't possibly be caught by the police? Getting a family member to off a spouse isn't new or even rare. You've offered no motive as to why anyone but his wife and family would be suspects.
None of it really makes sense. You badly need an editor.
I'm not going to score you down because I feel like you were trying to be experimental and failed completely. Experimentation is great, but if it was a "twist" for the sake of being a twist, you need to read some Books of Twisted Stories type genre/anthologies to understand how to do them well.
Editer???
May I suggest more character development. 3 pages is not too long. I'm sure it's in your head. You just didn't get it on the screen.
That...
... was hard the read, mate. Mark or Fred? You had the essence of a good idea in pulling the various viewpoints along chronologically but the story suffered because you didn't delineate them we'll enough. Was this given to an editor?
Hard to read
With the names and such.For anon,fred is not a jerk,he is obviously abusive,forcing your cock in her mouth,hitting her,throwing her to the floor,is abuse,maybe not in Fox News Land where women are property,but it is.I agree that the revenge is cloudy,like why does elizabeth bother to mask herself,and what is the gift for jogn,having the sister,too? Interesting idea,just needs to be less muddled..
What does Fox News have to do with anything?
Fox News could be Fred I guess
On the fence with this one. Got more confused at the end. Who is Fred? Was that a typo?
nice idea
But the execution failed. Mark/Fred and his insanity vs the world OK. Taking Elizabeth from jilling to killing was a mis-step, as was Marsha being John's sister-in-law. I liked your concept, just it needed a lot of tuning to work.
Good short story
I liked it. I did not find the changing pov distracting, it moved the plot along well. Was there really any reason for Fred becoming Mark? It seemed to have no reason other than Marsha spoke to Fred but John spoke to Mark. Fred/Mark did not appear to be two different personalities. Have I missed something there? The bigger question is what else had Fred done to give Elizabeth enough motive to kill him. Just being an asshole is not sufficient for murder.
Good story Got confused in the middle. Who is Mark? That was a simple mistake but got you only four stars.
Confusing read
This story has potential but should be developed better and edited better
Get a proof reader
This is fraught with horrible gaffs. Is Mark and Fred the same man?
Really, this is so hard to read, so confusing I really do not know what happened to whom and who it was that did it.
What is the object of this story? Revenge? Who perpetrated it? Why?
You have a lot of work to do before you will be able to call yourself a writer. Personally, I doubt that you'll make the effort.
Good Read***
If I was John I would be very careful what I said or did to Liz. Thanks for sharing
Miss! BIG miss!
Second paragraph "... the bonus would afford HE (something)"
No, HIM! Very fundamental. Then it gets worse!
Most of what the 'happy couple' recall is actually irrelevant to the story! Makes NO difference! Why hide the 'sister' relationship? The two wives being related is also irrelevant! A novice hit-lady offs her Hubby's boss, and the cops can't find the killer? They won't bother to check Boss's Sweetie's recent calls? Including one to her Sis, who will now test positive for gunpowder for several more days (in addition to Jill-off Juice!) Very implausible! Sweetie Liz tells Hubby how her evening went ... "Honey, I smoked Fred, but MARK and Marsha will probably live happily ever after!". Hubby reacts with aplomb ... "Yeah, but there goes my HUGE bonus that FRED promised!"
1*. Just TOO bad, plus NO LOVING WIFE involved!!!
It works
The darting back and forth between the 4 characters was irritating at first but fit in over the story.
The confusion between Fred and Mark was very distracting.
The ending grew on me.
Over all a very good read.
Clever
While the cops are searching for Fred's killer, Mark's killer will escape unnoticed.
Or maybe the other way around...
Splitlicker is a fucking retard.
5*
Great story
A DOUBLE-UP, UPFRONT PAYBACK
and its not revenge since you were not the hurtee. TK U MLJ LV NV
Confused
I liked the back and forth between Marsha and Elizabeth's lives and discovering they were sisters. A bit of a reach but OK within the context of a "story". But you lost me with the two characters John and Mark. They seemed to be the same person. Maybe it's me, but I doubt it. I'll be interested to see what may be coming next.
Just too damn confusing
And I read it twice. Next time just kill everyone and then it will make some kind of sense. Otherwise you end up with this pile of garbage.
Nice little flash story
Except for the constant mix-ups with Fred/Mark I found it entertaining and not that hard to follow.
Good one. Just need one more proof read before posting.
Hmmm..
Could have been better. I don't care if he's Mark or Fred, he was an asshole either way. Needed more content to be able to rate it.
0*
You left the readers in the dark here. Revenge for what? FTDS! Cheers!
Wow!
I didn't see that one coming at all. The story was so short and so void of information about the characters that I just didn't even imagine any kind of ending like that.
A LOT OF MYSTERY INVOLVED
amidst a family quadrangle, TK U MLJ LV NV
Could have been a good story
But all 5 of the 4 people were messed up. Even if the constant name errors were corrected it would still have been unclear who did what to whom and why.
What a senseless story
1*
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