too short...wheres the rest of it? do they leave together? maybe hubby has a hunting accident? give us more...
by
Anonymous01/11/14
Liked it , but a bit rushed.
I enjoyed the story, but it felt rushed at the end. It also feels incomplete. You definitely need a follow up, especially to deal with her SOB of a husband. Maybe she discovers his arogant ass involved in an affair or two (which helps to account for his attitude) so she can divorce him, or he has a hunting or driving accident (couldn't happen to a 'nicer' character).
One piece of advice, read your story aloud a few times -- slowly -- to catch typos. See if you can get an editor as well, an extra set of eyes is always helpful. You show potential, so keep it going -- but this one really screams for at least one or two extra chapters.
This has the makings of a good brother/sister love story, the set-up leaves a lot of room for no guilt and a lot of things to learn; the husband, however, is a little cartoonish; there's no explanation for why he's such a morose asshole if his wife is such a sexy hottie, and it seems he's just there to give a reason for the siblings to fall into bed as soon as he's gone. There could be a lot of development here; for a start, we don't even know their names, so it's difficult to identify with someone who's referred to solely as "my sister", and the back-story could do with some expansion and explanation. At the moment the siblings are completely anonymous, they need to be fleshed-out and character-developed, but you have the tools and the skills to do that, maybe a re-write would build a better, more joined-up story? I still like it though, there's a few little errors here and there, but nothing offensive or glaring, nothing that an extra careful proof-read wouldn't fix, and I've favourited it, becuase i think it's one to watch! 4 stars, keep going, and let's see what happens next!
A good first submission but please don't leave it for some one else to submit an ending. It needs at least one more chapter of equal length and I'm happy to leave the development to you rather than suggest as others have done how you might like to take it.
editor editor editor!!!!! I try to read past minor misspellings, and misused words, but this was just riddled with grammatical and spelling errors!!! Please seak out an Editor, to clean up your stories. and I too felt it was rushed, but please keep writing, your ideas and story line is fine.
Thanks, Rigatony
More "black hole" than "supernova"...It was prettty bad!
It was so rife with errors that it was practically unreadable. Go back and finish the 8th Grade and try paying attention to the English Teacher. I gave it an undeserved 2 Stars; One Star would have been more appropriate.
by
Anonymous04/23/15
hate to dog pile BUT
the best thing you can do is delete this and rewrite it adding all the background, character development and plot build up that SHOULD have been here in the first place. as is this reads like it should be chapter two of three or four not a stand alone.
English
cant end like this...
too short...wheres the rest of it? do they leave together? maybe hubby has a hunting accident? give us more...
Liked it , but a bit rushed.
I enjoyed the story, but it felt rushed at the end. It also feels incomplete. You definitely need a follow up, especially to deal with her SOB of a husband. Maybe she discovers his arogant ass involved in an affair or two (which helps to account for his attitude) so she can divorce him, or he has a hunting or driving accident (couldn't happen to a 'nicer' character).
One piece of advice, read your story aloud a few times -- slowly -- to catch typos. See if you can get an editor as well, an extra set of eyes is always helpful. You show potential, so keep it going -- but this one really screams for at least one or two extra chapters.
I agree, I liked it, but a bit rushed
This has the makings of a good brother/sister love story, the set-up leaves a lot of room for no guilt and a lot of things to learn; the husband, however, is a little cartoonish; there's no explanation for why he's such a morose asshole if his wife is such a sexy hottie, and it seems he's just there to give a reason for the siblings to fall into bed as soon as he's gone. There could be a lot of development here; for a start, we don't even know their names, so it's difficult to identify with someone who's referred to solely as "my sister", and the back-story could do with some expansion and explanation. At the moment the siblings are completely anonymous, they need to be fleshed-out and character-developed, but you have the tools and the skills to do that, maybe a re-write would build a better, more joined-up story? I still like it though, there's a few little errors here and there, but nothing offensive or glaring, nothing that an extra careful proof-read wouldn't fix, and I've favourited it, becuase i think it's one to watch! 4 stars, keep going, and let's see what happens next!
Need more chapters
Great story, can't be ended so short. More chapters. Thanks
MORE Please
A good first submission but please don't leave it for some one else to submit an ending. It needs at least one more chapter of equal length and I'm happy to leave the development to you rather than suggest as others have done how you might like to take it.
Editor
editor editor editor!!!!! I try to read past minor misspellings, and misused words, but this was just riddled with grammatical and spelling errors!!! Please seak out an Editor, to clean up your stories. and I too felt it was rushed, but please keep writing, your ideas and story line is fine.
Thanks, Rigatony
More "black hole" than "supernova"...It was prettty bad!
It was so rife with errors that it was practically unreadable. Go back and finish the 8th Grade and try paying attention to the English Teacher. I gave it an undeserved 2 Stars; One Star would have been more appropriate.
hate to dog pile BUT
the best thing you can do is delete this and rewrite it adding all the background, character development and plot build up that SHOULD have been here in the first place. as is this reads like it should be chapter two of three or four not a stand alone.
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