Deter

Wow

That was an excellent, very short and very deep tale. Talk about the irony of it all. I have one more thing to say. --- Fucking cunt.

What a twist

Did not expect that. I hope chapter 2 is a good BTB when Janet returns from the hospital. I doubt it though. Nice little flash story.

Nice

A real Goldilocks story--not too short and not too long, but just right.
Cute twist, although being the suspicious sort, I kind of thought you might toss in the surprise at the end.
A fun read.

Thank you

I enjoyed reading your story. Quite a twist there.

Played

Okay you played the reader. 1 for the writing, 1 for the twist, otherwise unremarkable.

THIS STORY HAD THE EARMARKS

of an O'Henry tale, TK U MLJ LV NV

Suspected something was up when I saw O' Henry. Then went back and realized you had Bill Porter as well. Don't think many readers will pick up that was O. Henry real name. Gave it a 4.

I liked it, really....an easy 4*s!!!

But even after reading it twice, I don't understand the title. Is "Deter" another O' Henry reference? I think I must have read some O' Henry back in school, a million years ago it seems. But even as a reference geared for someone more familiar with THAT author's work, I saw absolutely no connection between title and story. Taking the story on its own, it was well done, and clearly presented. I admit that even on the first reading, I knew Bill was the husband, and Frank was the lover, however it was crafted well enough to raise doubts all along, until the final reveal that confirmed the two men's status. I wonder if someone will explain the title here in the comments section? I'll keep scanning and checking back. Oshaw, I've been enjoying your work here, recently. I am happy to have you contributing some fine stories, designed to make readers think. Thank you very much! Can't wait for the next!

Excellent Flash Story

Tightly written and completely hidden backstory until the last words...

not plausible

SWAT would not shoot a target in the head. it is too small an aim and too lethal for the situation you set up

Yeah, it is sadly lacking.

No payback on the bitch, no retribution for him. Lame tale.

This could have been really good

...if it had held together psychologically. The long affair? That's not uncommon. But why, after all that time, does Frank come after the husband? Something that Bill did to make Frank feel that the wife's loyalties were divided and that the affair was in danger of ending. And yet, the wife goes to the lover. Seems inexplicable. If she were conflicted, then she should have been conflicted at the final scene. A more emotionally logical response would have been — should have been — to recognize that the carnage was her responsibility. How would you react if you two people that you (supposedly) loved lying wounded because of your actions?

I'm all for short, dramatic pieces — it was dramatic (though seemed to be written around the final lines, not the situation) — but they need to tie together a little better. In this case, you needed a little more backstory. Not pages of explication and how the met and how smart the kids are, but some hint of what specific events precipitated the confrontation. I would have given it 5 stars if it were so annoying, Frank gave a little reason why SPECIFICALLY he was there now (and not at some previous time), and the wife wasn't such a cypher.

Decent twist, but overwritten

This is such overwrought melodrama, I almost couldn't finish. One thing I hate is an author trying to write seriously in the manner of Master Thespian.

So basically, meh.

Loved the story....

Great ending. Please keep writing. Thanks for the effort.

Not enough information.

Good start but too many holes in the story. More information needed. Children, paternity test etc... Too much left out for a # 5.

Dramatic Swiss Cheese

Drama was good but the overall plot was missing critical info to tie the reader into the emotions portrayed.
Keep writing.
3*

Throw away your thesaurus

Your writing will improve dramatically.

Nice drama

This is a good stand alone story, actually pretty believable when compared to a few cases that come up in the news from time to time. Or, if the author would so chose, there could be a nice epilogue. There's a huge malpractice problem with sending the first ambulance off with a corps, just to satisfy the emotions of the cheating cunt who caused the whole thing. There's a very real liability claim to Frank's estate, Bill could own it all. After Janet rode off in the ambulance with Frank's remains, her marriage is totally shot. but if that was her choice, it was already shot anyway. The sad thing is, unless some judge would make the malpractice settlement, for hauling off a corps, and the liability settlement from Frank's estate, exempt from the divorce proceedings, Janet could wind up with at least half of Bill's assets and half of Frank's estate. The cold bitch Janet would be the only winner. We could only hope that the recording of the S.W.A.T. team before they neutralized the threat could be submitted into the divorce court. Along with the claimed DNA report on the kids, there could possibly be alienation of affection and possibly fraud. Janet doesn't deserve very much. One man left dead, another man seriously beaten and with a serious bullet wound, and two children with their family totally destroyed. Janet may have some grief over losing her fuck buddy, but otherwise will walk away scot free and likely pretty rich. It won't take her long to find someone else to give her orgasms.

It would have been nice if you had finished the story !

5 if you kill the cunt cheating wife.

Which USA state are the story from?

In that USA sates, where the ex husbands do not pay children support for bastards, the ex husbands HAVE TO PAY CHILDREN SUPPORT, IF THE KIDS ARE 4 YEARS OLD!!! There are much fewer USA states, where the ex husbands WILL GET ALIMONEY FROM THE CHEATING SLUT WIVES AND DO NOT PAY CHILDREN SUPPORT, IF THE EX HUSBAND CAN PROVE THE CHEATING WIVES DID BASTARD KID FRAUD!!!!! It depends on being loser or not loser Bill, wich USA state is the place of this story????

A LOT of reader confusion

Very good job of obfuscating. Even with the denouement being fairly clear IMO, there seems to be confusion galore! As I read it (from the beginning) the narrator is Hubby (maybe suitor or fiancé.) Sweetie is NOT present. Sweetie's task is to choose between two guys, Narrator or Other Guy. The decision process has taken much longer than Narrator thought it might (not cause for optimism!) Then Other Guy shows up violently!

OG violence is not explained ... a supposition is that OG was informed that the decision was FOR narrator! That SEEMS, after the action is over, NOT to have been the case. OG may be irked because Narrator has been persistent by not backing off his attention to Sweetie! But the final Sweetie decision is upon them. Between the paternity news and Sweetie's final focus, it becomes clearer that Narrator is Hubby but Sweetie is (and HAS been) cohabiting with OG - so her probable decision (certainly delivered first to OG) leaves no cause for OG's ire! If she DID opt for Hubby (while at Her Bull's place) and informed him, then the anger is explained, BUT her choice to comfort Her-Dead-Bull becomes incomprehensible!

NO medical first responder is going to delay service to a critically wounded victim over an obvious corpse in order to placate a distraught woman or a cop! EMT has final authority in such a case, NOT law enforcement!

Too cute! It left too many readers stranded (including ME, perhaps!)

3* (enjoyed the name plays, weirded-out by title!)

Oye!

Vey! Excellent. Thanks.

Pretty Good

Start out thinking he's the husband, then he's not, then he is. pretty good obfuscation. Ignore the rants. You stayed within yourself and achieved your little objective.

Twists

Too many twists.

Boring as hell

I believe everyone saw that coming and the poor bastard is going to be better off without that bitch. Too bad a stray bullet didn't hit her too.

Yeah, I guessed he was the husband, but...

I enjoyed the story anyway.I'm guessing there will be no reconciliation...

Good Read****

Something a little different but with a nice little twist to it.. Thanks for sharing.

3*s

Nice read .
I find it strange that 'Balance' is the 2nd story you posted . Yet it is the best and longest . The 3rd story 'Covet' is ,arguably your worst. Deter is in between those two.
Maybe you are not posting in the order written .
Maybe a different person writing , humm ??
Still, I am

AMerryMan

Sorry

I didn't like that at all.

Liked it, but

Lacked a bit of punch at the end. The twist has no force with more back story. Thanks.

So Where's the ending?

No character description, little plot, an ending that leaves a lot hanging with no resolution.
No*

5* from me.

Yeah. Well written, and the twist worked.

Thats it??????

Good story and well written but characters not very well developed. I'd have given it a 4-5 until the end and found that this was yet another unfinished story. You get a 1!

Needs ending

Deter needs an ending.

Sometimes You Write Over The Heads Of Your Audience

Well written. Complete. Intelligent. I'm about to delve into your catalogue now. Thank you.

Well done

Not sure why the marital home with kids was called a "love nest", and equally unsure why the police got their facts so badly backwards, but good writing. The twist *kinda* worked.

Nice twist there -

We were right form the beginning and you turned us around too - VERY nice.

She mourned the scumbag who had destroyed the husband and the family he should have had - really well done -

How about a sequel?

I gave this 5 stars...but would like to see it finished.

I agree with Rhsc1

A sequel (which could include a prequel) would be very good.

Just dump the cheating bitch.

She chose her lover over her husband in these circumstances? Divorce the lying cheating cunt, grab your kids, love them and start elsewhere.

oh my god,.... this is so bad you want to beat the hell out of dog

where is the rest if the story?

And why the fuck would the police frank was the husband after listening to his rantings

please

I beg you to write chapter 2 where the wife gets to suffer and the husband gets to find happiness

Great twist

Should have seen it coming but didn't.

Saw it

But it was still good.

The point is enough and the man will suffer forever as a result.

But...and this is the important thing: so will Janet. Her lover is dead, her choice is made, her kids will learn the truth about her and her image and actions will be in the public eye for a while.

So what does she have? A quick move out of state losing all friends and attachments she has as she drags two kids who loath her with her...if she can.

She is the perennial bad guy. Dad gets victim points.

Finish the damn story

Yet again another great story however no ending what happened did he die was the other guy married did Janet live on to receive the hate of her children.

How did the affair start? you have the chance at becoming a very good writer but don't hold back and finish the damn story

That was more twisted than a drunk snake. LOL

Please do a follow-up where Hubby divorces the slut and moves on with his life. Wifey was more concerned with her lover's dead body than she was with him!

5 Stars for a twist I barely saw coming. Great flash tale, but it should have been longer.

IronDork failed his saving throw

Barely saw it coming? Only a punk-ass bitch cops out that way, those of us with stones either saw it or didn't. No way a dickless closetcuck like you can "man up" though....

Short and sweet!

This is a story built with a sequel that could go anywhere..Great setup..thanx for the read...

Um, it was ok

But it had more than a few holes. My biggest problem is the police not knowing who owned the house they surrounded. That alone would have told them that they were sympathizing with the wrong man. They didn't ask the Slut (excuse me, wife) what was what? You didn't even say who called 911. If it was the wife, again, they should have known who was the bad guy. Also, there's NO WAY, the Ambulance Company would have risked a certain Lawsuit by transporting a corpse before a wounded man, not too mention destroying the evidence needed for the IAD hearing (which was a definite: The police had killed a man).