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English
l
Beautifully descriptive. Use of grammar and tense needs improvement. But otherwise, very exciting and intimate.
Yep
You sure need an editor!
Hmmm...
Very hot! Not usually one of my favorite premises but have enjoyed this, a lot :)
I was surprised you said this was the end, it seems almost the beginning!
I would agree with LIS, you need someone to read through your writing... I can decipher what you meant to say, word to use, but it is a bit distracting. You seem enamored with the word "slit", you used it 3 times in two lines, which is a little funny when there are SO many words that describe the same thing :)
Finally... I LOVE your user name! Keep writing, it makes me smile when I see your name on the board... Plus you have a great imagination and really should share.
Hot, But..
My favorite stories have one thing in common, and it's NOT hot sex!
The best stories give us characters that have real lives outside of the bedroom, that make us care what happens to these people, that shows us how what happens to them in the bedroom impacts on their lives.
Still great for what it is!
Good, but..
This can't be the end damn it, this story was good *sobs*
Grammar
Proof read! Don't rely on spell check. "Hand were? no "Hand was." "Moan for me moor?" It is a big deal if you truly want to write, not to not have the reader pause only to figure out what you are trying to say. There are other mistakes in your piece, but you get my drift. All-in all, you did a very nice job. PRACTICE, and learn to proof read.
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