The story is fine and the sex part is great! The real issue is that you switched from third person to first person to second person a few times. It made the story jump and twitch in a distracting fashion. You should get a proof reader to help make the story flow properly.
Keep writing and keep looking at your characters as individuals with both sensitivity and a little kink. It gives a nice twist.
English
Good try
The story is fine and the sex part is great! The real issue is that you switched from third person to first person to second person a few times. It made the story jump and twitch in a distracting fashion. You should get a proof reader to help make the story flow properly.
Keep writing and keep looking at your characters as individuals with both sensitivity and a little kink. It gives a nice twist.
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