My main criticism was that you jumped so far ahead in the action: one line she accepts the action from all the other guys, next line they're at the payoff? Where's the story? I wanted to read about her riding one man while another two jammed their cocks in her mouth. I want to read about the surprise she felt when Evan's near-footlong stretched her arsehole open while she was straddling another guy. I want to read her coming to the acceptance that she was a public gangbang whore, pulling a train on nearly a dozen cocks simply so she wouldn't have to stand up on a train.!
Don't take this criticism too harshly: I gave it three, but with more detail I could see myself giving it a five. Hope to read more of your work as it comes along.
Down Under Dude
English
So much potential...
My main criticism was that you jumped so far ahead in the action: one line she accepts the action from all the other guys, next line they're at the payoff? Where's the story? I wanted to read about her riding one man while another two jammed their cocks in her mouth. I want to read about the surprise she felt when Evan's near-footlong stretched her arsehole open while she was straddling another guy. I want to read her coming to the acceptance that she was a public gangbang whore, pulling a train on nearly a dozen cocks simply so she wouldn't have to stand up on a train.!
Don't take this criticism too harshly: I gave it three, but with more detail I could see myself giving it a five. Hope to read more of your work as it comes along.
Down Under Dude
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