I liked the buildup at the beginning, but then it seemed like you lost interest in pacing the story and just rushed ahead to get to the end. Once you started racing for the conclusion, the story lost plausibility - nothing that innocent gets that far that fast!
by
Anonymous03/01/14
Impatient? Yes!
I agree - far too quick at the end. It started really well. I could even feel the breeze on my skin but then it just rocketed away and lost the eroticism. You had the girls all innocent like and so why not have them sort of surprised at the ejaculation, Ari trying to stop it coming out or something and making a real mess. Plenty of potential in this story taken slowly. I suggest a rewrite from halfway.
English
Cumming next?
In part II, Ari blows him to climax. In part III the girls engage in lesbianism. In part IV, he fucks them all.
Impatient?
I liked the buildup at the beginning, but then it seemed like you lost interest in pacing the story and just rushed ahead to get to the end. Once you started racing for the conclusion, the story lost plausibility - nothing that innocent gets that far that fast!
Impatient? Yes!
I agree - far too quick at the end. It started really well. I could even feel the breeze on my skin but then it just rocketed away and lost the eroticism. You had the girls all innocent like and so why not have them sort of surprised at the ejaculation, Ari trying to stop it coming out or something and making a real mess. Plenty of potential in this story taken slowly. I suggest a rewrite from halfway.
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