My suggestion is: TAKE A WRITING CLASS or finish high school!! This is really BAD. You have to know the basics of real writing for it to be readable so that readers can actually read it. I started but after the first 3 paragraphs I was going back to reread sentences to be able to understand them.
by
Anonymous03/05/14
The errors are comical.
"Her sounds were prime3val, deep. She repeated for him to fuck her in th3e ass over and over, each time with more emoticon and desperation and much to Jack's surprise she suddenly stiffened and cried out with orgasm."
Typos galore, and "fuck her ... with more emoticon?" :-) :-( ;-> 8-<
Something like that?
by
Anonymous03/07/14
Ouch
Nice that you're inspired to write but gosh this was bad. Please spell check next time. And why does she need it up the a**?
You can do much better. You had a decent story going but for some reason you hurried everything once there became some action. Drag it out a little, I've never known any woman who takes it in her ass the first time in the way you almost described.
I am 62, i went to a wedding reception, i danced, all night. there was a guy named Rob who was about 40 who seemed to be around me, i found him nice, funny, so i straight up asked him. I said seeing that you are dancing with me all night, you have to take me home. His hand went to my bottom and said only if i get to fuck you. What, i shivered, he then said, come on, he grabbed my hand, pulled me towards the hallway, handicapped toilet, locked the door, well, here, here, i was wet, turn around, i turned, i felt him lift my dress, he felt my panties, wet, hmm, he slid them down. i like a slut,spread my legs, h didn't hesitate, his hard cock speared into my pussy as he held my hips and bucked into me, i went light headed and i felt my orgasm hit me like a big whoosh as i shook and he pulled back, his wet cock against me, holding me he put it gainst my anal opening, i lifted my head, slow, slow as he entered me, so hard, easing me apart and then fucking me, my pussy dripping as he worked my insides until i felt him pulse and warmth entered my bum, as my pussy dripped. He eased out, then i stood as we cleaned up. His finger went back to my clit, i am still taking you home. I couldn't wait.
English
It's like a cheap porn movie, sorry.
Ouch
Did you try reading this OP? Terrible.
Reallly Bad
My suggestion is: TAKE A WRITING CLASS or finish high school!! This is really BAD. You have to know the basics of real writing for it to be readable so that readers can actually read it. I started but after the first 3 paragraphs I was going back to reread sentences to be able to understand them.
The errors are comical.
"Her sounds were prime3val, deep. She repeated for him to fuck her in th3e ass over and over, each time with more emoticon and desperation and much to Jack's surprise she suddenly stiffened and cried out with orgasm."
Typos galore, and "fuck her ... with more emoticon?" :-) :-( ;-> 8-<
Something like that?
Ouch
Nice that you're inspired to write but gosh this was bad. Please spell check next time. And why does she need it up the a**?
It was too short! I couldn't enjoy it, sorry!
I'm surprised it made it past the review
The typos and grammar are terrible. The story idea is good, but undeveloped.
I hope you write more, and better.
I belive
You can do much better. You had a decent story going but for some reason you hurried everything once there became some action. Drag it out a little, I've never known any woman who takes it in her ass the first time in the way you almost described.
impressive
a good story
I am 62, i went to a wedding reception, i danced, all night. there was a guy named Rob who was about 40 who seemed to be around me, i found him nice, funny, so i straight up asked him. I said seeing that you are dancing with me all night, you have to take me home. His hand went to my bottom and said only if i get to fuck you. What, i shivered, he then said, come on, he grabbed my hand, pulled me towards the hallway, handicapped toilet, locked the door, well, here, here, i was wet, turn around, i turned, i felt him lift my dress, he felt my panties, wet, hmm, he slid them down. i like a slut,spread my legs, h didn't hesitate, his hard cock speared into my pussy as he held my hips and bucked into me, i went light headed and i felt my orgasm hit me like a big whoosh as i shook and he pulled back, his wet cock against me, holding me he put it gainst my anal opening, i lifted my head, slow, slow as he entered me, so hard, easing me apart and then fucking me, my pussy dripping as he worked my insides until i felt him pulse and warmth entered my bum, as my pussy dripped. He eased out, then i stood as we cleaned up. His finger went back to my clit, i am still taking you home. I couldn't wait.
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