All Comments on 'The Epistle to St. butters'

by HarryHill

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  • 4 Comments
twelveoonetwelveooneabout 10 years ago
try rethinking

the line breaks - tension from enjambment

the dustbin would overflow (I changed)

with culled love poems,

a tear for each one

discarded in order...

this line bothers me

that covers a heart in honey, licks it clean

a heart in honey, licked clean?

5

Ashesh9Ashesh9about 10 years ago
a Love Story , dear Harry :

Harry & the Saint U-know-who !! a real emoticon , Harry ---5-ed , of course .

buttersbuttersabout 10 years ago
ain't no saint, harry-san

and didn't know you'd posted this either. x

you and your apostrophes, man - ablution's = ablutions

we're gonna have to work on that, but this is all to cover my pink face at reading this.

TsothaTsothaalmost 10 years ago

Harry, I like this poem and I think there is a gem here waiting to be lapidated. I agree with 12 about the enjambments — and maybe it's just me, you know? But in my opinion, there are words to be cut, and line breaks to rethink, that would make this an even better poem.

A quick hack job, just something to consider (disregard if inappropriate):

Were I under the duvet with thee,

my love, the dustbin could overflow

with culled love poems, a tear for each

discarded in order to see the next

from she that covers a heart in honey

licks it clean, dainty pleased ablutions

pours again, and suddenly

a duvet's too warm

5ed, of course.

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