So far, your first effort is exceptional. Very good. I think I would have text the guy back though and told him I was going to cut that dick he was so proud of, right off.
For a first story I'll give you credit. Decent set up but incomplete. You could have provided a little more background on Tony and Selene.
Thanks for posting. Looking forward to more on this one. 5 for your first effort.
Reality is subjective in many facets of life. N***ger when Jay-Z says it is different then when a scrub white-boy receiver for Philadelphia Eagles drops it.
This was a great intro because its clear the husband and wife have vastly disparate views on what is lying, on what constitutes respect and what is appropriate behavior for within the boundaries of their marriage.
The husband is not fully in control of himself . Breaking his wife's phone even though the text matter was enraging is not one of the building blocks of communication needed post-haste to resolve this dilemma.
The author has set a very provocative table Literotica-wise. Kudos on appetizer. I can only hope the main entree measures up to its predecessor.
Extremely well written and a storyline that has me wanting more. The typical tale on this site would have had the hubby hiding in the closet to see what the wife would do when she came out of the bathroom a checked her phone's messages. He would have waited. Instead, your story shows authenticity. This is what would happen in real life. He may have blown any chance of finding out what his wife really would have thought upon first seeing that picture, but he gave her a wake up call that may have saved her from making a huge mistake. Five stars.
Good start. Please don't make this story into one where the husband turns out as a wimp, accepting anything from his wife, allowing her to cary on flirting, being persuaded to have sex with her lover, getting caught, regretting and being sorry and forgiven, there are to many stories with that crap in them
I agree excellent so far, cannot wait for the other future installments. I too share the same opinion, do not make the husband into a wimp. I also feel there is more to her hiding and denying but you are the author. Some will say maybe or maybe not, but to walk out, yes he threw the phone, yes a little violence, but that is real life... yes this is a story, but really? 200 MB for messages? and a photo from the guy? what has she emailed? I do see doom for the marriage, he was disrespected and she did damage the vows if not break them.
I thought you put forth a nice first installment. You will get a lot of feed back about how the husband should or shouldn't behave. My advice to you is to keep the husbands reaction and response as "real" as you can. You have done a good job of introducing the characters and set up the family well. Keep it up!
Obviously, her "innocent" exchanges have gone over the line. What was really going on? Was it completely innocent? If she is as "smart" as he thinks she is, how could she not KNOW that this was potential dynamite? I worked night shift in a hospital for 3 years and I don't remember having a detailed sexual conversation with anyone. It probably would have gotten me fired. I knew a couple people that got a little touchy feely and they got in trouble. Duh!
The final judgment on the story will be how the story is wrapped up, both rationally (does it make sense?) and emotionally (does everyone get their feelings settled, is justice done).
I really liked the reactions from the husband. I had a situation close where the husband ended up at the place of business. The guy was stupid enough to goad the husband. The husband then took all frustrations out on the guy. Guy ended up at tge emergency room. Please don't whimp the husband. After 30 years of law enforcement, I have seen more husbands take action than being a whimp. The only draw back is maybe longer chapters. Very hard to keep up with a story when it has shorter chapters. Great start.
The fact that the husband immediately called her on it instead of waiting was excellent. If he waited he would have had good evidence, for a divorce. What was she thinking about when she accepted the first of these text instead of showing it to the supervisor. He should hold onto the evidence or perhaps show it to her supervisor....
What you seem to be saying is that anyone that writes something you do not like should leave the site. Personally I do not read the cucky boy stories and if someone turns cucky I only continue if it is a very good story up to that point. Your attitude is very undemocratic.
N.B. I am posting here in an open form because you refuse to accept e-mails, otherwise I would have done it privately....
A good first page that grabs the interest of the reader and holds it...but disappoints on realization that it's such a short bite. Don't make the mistake of making your chapters too short. Not every page will have the same level of intensity and if it's all there is of that chapter it risks the reader's interest waning and it may fail to inspire opening the next episode. The desire to get to the end of the story can decrease with the length of time between chapter submissions so don't be too long with the next bite. Aim for at least two, and preferably three pages per chapter unless it's planned total length is that size. Looking forward to how this develops...and trusting the wait will not be too long. Keep going...we're waiting.
I was hoping the texts would be even more innocent, but I guess the author still has room to take this story in one of many directions. Keep the chapters coming!
What a deadset tosser you are. He can write whatever the fuck he wants, it's his choice. Who the fuck are you to make decisions for him? You can always write your own if you don't like someone else's stories.
I was planning to send additional feedback to the author but,
noticed there is no tab. To javmor79: This is one of the best first stories I have seen in a long time. You still made a few errors. The only story "flow" issue (Something for an editor to catch.) I noticed was her talking about the texts helping them get through the night but, since she came home at 7PM, she worked the day shift. There were a few, by Lit. standards, little errors (Something for a proofreader to catch.). Writers are bound to miss some of these, even with numerous self-proofs. That is because the writer knows what is coming next and reads the mistake just like the non-mistake he/she intended. If you want me to edit/proof future stories, please enable the author feedback tab so I can send you my email address without exposing it to everyone on Lit.
I LOVED your hard/difficult distinction. Few people understand the difference. (My wood table is hard and the assembly directions were difficult for me to understand.)
I proofed this twice. Do you see any errors?
It gets going right away, like a freight train--instantly it's moving fast and it's powerful and we're engaged. To me this is the best way to start a story. Unlike one of the other commenters, I don't think more background on the couple is needed. It's clear they're happily married, have two great daughters, things are good--until his discovery of what's on her phone!
Wonderful beginning, and I'll be right with you for the rest of the story.
Here's why I think this start is a success: because the husband is forcing the issue in a deliberate and rational manner. Far too many people in life (men and women, husbands and wives) walk into situations wearing blinders, denying the implications their behavior by saying it doesn't mean anything or that it's innocent fun. In other words, all of the excuses that the wife in this story is making. The excuses are a form of denial.
Full points to the author to have the husband not take any crap on this. No hysterics (well, a few), but no hysterics or theatrics when digging for an explanation and an admission of responsibilities. Just force the issue in a rational manner.
Who knows? Maybe he did something that he's not aware of that pushed her in that direction.
I'm looking forward to how this pans out - does hubby find a sexting buddy of his own? He should prep for the divorce and watch her scramble to save their marriage. That kind of sexting always leads to more and he doesn't seem like the kind of man that likes to share...
You have my attention, and I'm eager to see where this story leads. I grow tired of the B2B plotline quickly, so I hope it doesn't go in that direction. Given the husband's reaction, though, it's difficult to see how it can lead anywhere else.
... but a tad short for the initial instalment. Nevertheless, you have captured the essence of a man's pain; from the stage of blissful complacence right through to shattered devastation with adroit precision.
This story focuses on the scenario before the adulterous act has been committed so it is safe to say the marriage can be salvaged; once bitten twice shy and all that.
Well done and well worth 5*
by
Anonymous03/19/14
Oh God
The same old dreary melodrama soap opera. Husband cheated on and breaks into tears then throws a tantrum. But this is what the eunuchs love and they swarm to kiss the feet of anyne who panders to them
Thanks guys. I really appreciate the feedback. You guys are awesome!
I want to apologize that this chapter is so short. I honestly thought it would be longer than this. It was like 6 pages on my computer, but that didn't translate into the page.
A lot of people have an idea of how this story should end, but I have already finished it and submitted it. There are three chapter in all. I will work on making the chapters longer in my next story.
I didn't get an editor, because I was so excited when I wrote this that I had to hurry and get it posted. I didn't want to wait any longer to see what you guys thought of it. I appreciate all of the feedback and emails. Once again, thank you Literotica family.
I only ask for one thing. Keep the subsequent chapters close to follow. This is an excellent start. She doesn't tell fuck wad no, she just tells him 'husband would wonder where I am' So, if Brian can come up with a way to sneak, like arranging a vacation day, she's inferring she'd go for it. This is past flirting, the dance has started. They must be working rotating shifts if this is her excuse to make it through the night. At the very least, the marriage is damaged. We'll see what's more important to Selene. Brian's big dick, or her family. Every hospital H.R. department takes a very dim view on this sort of behavior. Hubby already has several courses of action he could take, but if Selene is determined to sample Brian's big cock, ultimately that will happen. It's pretty clear that she's interested, she just doesn't want to get caught. We'll see what her priorities are, and how valuable a stable family is to her.
My biggest problem was the (occasionally) overwrought, back-of-hand-to-forehead, Master Thespian prose. For instance:
"The English language does not contain enough words to even come close describing the tsunami of pain, anger, and emasculating torture that comes with the knowledge that the woman that you love desires another man."
I mean, for real? That sentence should be taken out and shot. It could have been shortened considerably, and here I offer my version:
"There are no words to describe the pain, the anger, the feelings of emasculation that come with believing the woman you love desires another man."
I dunno, seems to get the point across without going all Jon Lovitz on us.
Just my two cents.
BTW, I really am looking forward to reading the rest of the story. The overall writing is actually decent.
you did it very well. I'm sure most guys are mad as hell after reading the first chapter. Now that you know how pages in WORD translate into pages on Lit, I would expect stories like this one to be served all in one sitting. I will withhold a vote until the end, as the setup is the easiest. You have dug a hole for the wife, but not one she cannot climb from with some effort. She has shown a huge lack of respect for her husband and she has to admit it and work to correct it. It's the little things that get to us and bring us down. We handle death and illness, but some "flirting", like in this story can bring the house down.
Very good setting the scene chapter that avoided long paragraphs of how they met as a couple which would of killed the snappy flow of hubby's reaction to his wife's cheating. And lets be honest here, the overtly sexual messaging with bigdick was a form of cheating which Selene's immediately full on shocked reaction to seeing hubby reading those texts proves.
Tony's outrage felt justified and real and I really hope there will be no complete personality changes in his character in chapters two and three which have ruined so many stories on this site.
As with all multi-part stories I'll hold my voting to the end.
by
Anonymous03/19/14
very good start
My only mechanical quandry is the length. But that's been addressed. I like the premise, and as several have pointed out, Tony ought to be concerned. The bitch said she couldn't come because he'd get suspicious... Not the right answer! Since her reply wasn't "Fuck off I'm married" she needs to jump through some hoops. I didn't score it and won't until it's all over, but this is a 5 star start.
English
A fantastic start. Congratulations on your first submission. I'm really looking forward to see the progression of this story.
Looking forward to seeing more
Entertaining start. Can't ask for much more than that.
Good start!
So far, your first effort is exceptional. Very good. I think I would have text the guy back though and told him I was going to cut that dick he was so proud of, right off.
Excellent
Please carry on with the next chapter. 5*
First Story? Not Bad.
For a first story I'll give you credit. Decent set up but incomplete. You could have provided a little more background on Tony and Selene.
Thanks for posting. Looking forward to more on this one. 5 for your first effort.
The battle is on ( like Dong-ey Kong )
Reality is subjective in many facets of life. N***ger when Jay-Z says it is different then when a scrub white-boy receiver for Philadelphia Eagles drops it.
This was a great intro because its clear the husband and wife have vastly disparate views on what is lying, on what constitutes respect and what is appropriate behavior for within the boundaries of their marriage.
The husband is not fully in control of himself . Breaking his wife's phone even though the text matter was enraging is not one of the building blocks of communication needed post-haste to resolve this dilemma.
The author has set a very provocative table Literotica-wise. Kudos on appetizer. I can only hope the main entree measures up to its predecessor.
pretty good
Can't wait to read the next chapter. You have a good story started. 5 stars.
It's 'wud', not 'would' ;)
Other than that, good start.
YOU HAD BETTER UNDRAIN AND REFILL
before what wud've happened will, TK U MLJ LV NV
Great start, Jav.
Can't wait to read the next chapter.
5 Stars.
Loving it
Extremely well written and a storyline that has me wanting more. The typical tale on this site would have had the hubby hiding in the closet to see what the wife would do when she came out of the bathroom a checked her phone's messages. He would have waited. Instead, your story shows authenticity. This is what would happen in real life. He may have blown any chance of finding out what his wife really would have thought upon first seeing that picture, but he gave her a wake up call that may have saved her from making a huge mistake. Five stars.
Fine work...
... so far. Can't wait for the rest.
please continue
Good start you have a broad canvas to paint an interesting story. Brian must go down.
Wow.
Extremely well written.
More.
Interesting
Good start. Please don't make this story into one where the husband turns out as a wimp, accepting anything from his wife, allowing her to cary on flirting, being persuaded to have sex with her lover, getting caught, regretting and being sorry and forgiven, there are to many stories with that crap in them
Good!
Nice set up. Well written. What you do next will define if you have something interesting to add theme.
5 stars
I agree excellent so far, cannot wait for the other future installments. I too share the same opinion, do not make the husband into a wimp. I also feel there is more to her hiding and denying but you are the author. Some will say maybe or maybe not, but to walk out, yes he threw the phone, yes a little violence, but that is real life... yes this is a story, but really? 200 MB for messages? and a photo from the guy? what has she emailed? I do see doom for the marriage, he was disrespected and she did damage the vows if not break them.
Good start
Please continue
Nice first try
I thought you put forth a nice first installment. You will get a lot of feed back about how the husband should or shouldn't behave. My advice to you is to keep the husbands reaction and response as "real" as you can. You have done a good job of introducing the characters and set up the family well. Keep it up!
Good start
Nice writing, good emotion, clear plot.
Obviously, her "innocent" exchanges have gone over the line. What was really going on? Was it completely innocent? If she is as "smart" as he thinks she is, how could she not KNOW that this was potential dynamite? I worked night shift in a hospital for 3 years and I don't remember having a detailed sexual conversation with anyone. It probably would have gotten me fired. I knew a couple people that got a little touchy feely and they got in trouble. Duh!
The final judgment on the story will be how the story is wrapped up, both rationally (does it make sense?) and emotionally (does everyone get their feelings settled, is justice done).
Very good start
I really liked the reactions from the husband. I had a situation close where the husband ended up at the place of business. The guy was stupid enough to goad the husband. The husband then took all frustrations out on the guy. Guy ended up at tge emergency room. Please don't whimp the husband. After 30 years of law enforcement, I have seen more husbands take action than being a whimp. The only draw back is maybe longer chapters. Very hard to keep up with a story when it has shorter chapters. Great start.
She's Lying
"Come to my Apt"
"I can't"
"Why not"
"Hubby would wonder" NOT "I'm a married woman and can't cheat"
Very enjoyable opener
The fact that the husband immediately called her on it instead of waiting was excellent. If he waited he would have had good evidence, for a divorce. What was she thinking about when she accepted the first of these text instead of showing it to the supervisor. He should hold onto the evidence or perhaps show it to her supervisor....
@centralcoastcruiser
What you seem to be saying is that anyone that writes something you do not like should leave the site. Personally I do not read the cucky boy stories and if someone turns cucky I only continue if it is a very good story up to that point. Your attitude is very undemocratic.
N.B. I am posting here in an open form because you refuse to accept e-mails, otherwise I would have done it privately....
Interest
A good first page that grabs the interest of the reader and holds it...but disappoints on realization that it's such a short bite. Don't make the mistake of making your chapters too short. Not every page will have the same level of intensity and if it's all there is of that chapter it risks the reader's interest waning and it may fail to inspire opening the next episode. The desire to get to the end of the story can decrease with the length of time between chapter submissions so don't be too long with the next bite. Aim for at least two, and preferably three pages per chapter unless it's planned total length is that size. Looking forward to how this develops...and trusting the wait will not be too long. Keep going...we're waiting.
Welcome this new writer! 5 stars!
I was hoping the texts would be even more innocent, but I guess the author still has room to take this story in one of many directions. Keep the chapters coming!
@centralcoastcruiser
What a deadset tosser you are. He can write whatever the fuck he wants, it's his choice. Who the fuck are you to make decisions for him? You can always write your own if you don't like someone else's stories.
The story is pretty good so far, well written.
I was planning to send additional feedback to the author but,
noticed there is no tab. To javmor79: This is one of the best first stories I have seen in a long time. You still made a few errors. The only story "flow" issue (Something for an editor to catch.) I noticed was her talking about the texts helping them get through the night but, since she came home at 7PM, she worked the day shift. There were a few, by Lit. standards, little errors (Something for a proofreader to catch.). Writers are bound to miss some of these, even with numerous self-proofs. That is because the writer knows what is coming next and reads the mistake just like the non-mistake he/she intended. If you want me to edit/proof future stories, please enable the author feedback tab so I can send you my email address without exposing it to everyone on Lit.
I LOVED your hard/difficult distinction. Few people understand the difference. (My wood table is hard and the assembly directions were difficult for me to understand.)
I proofed this twice. Do you see any errors?
All I want to know is
Is he going to boink the babysitter?
Top Start
Really like the start. Taut, good dialogue, can go in many directions. Try and be true to your characters as you develop them. 5* start
Very good start
It gets going right away, like a freight train--instantly it's moving fast and it's powerful and we're engaged. To me this is the best way to start a story. Unlike one of the other commenters, I don't think more background on the couple is needed. It's clear they're happily married, have two great daughters, things are good--until his discovery of what's on her phone!
Wonderful beginning, and I'll be right with you for the rest of the story.
Thanks, ohio
Babysitter Unbonkable
She's 15 and unbonkable per Literotica
very good
Here's why I think this start is a success: because the husband is forcing the issue in a deliberate and rational manner. Far too many people in life (men and women, husbands and wives) walk into situations wearing blinders, denying the implications their behavior by saying it doesn't mean anything or that it's innocent fun. In other words, all of the excuses that the wife in this story is making. The excuses are a form of denial.
Full points to the author to have the husband not take any crap on this. No hysterics (well, a few), but no hysterics or theatrics when digging for an explanation and an admission of responsibilities. Just force the issue in a rational manner.
Who knows? Maybe he did something that he's not aware of that pushed her in that direction.
I think this is a safe start.
nothing sexual needs more.
Great start
I'm looking forward to how this pans out - does hubby find a sexting buddy of his own? He should prep for the divorce and watch her scramble to save their marriage. That kind of sexting always leads to more and he doesn't seem like the kind of man that likes to share...
Very good start!
It was a very good first chapter, setting up the mood for the rest of the story.
Intriguing debut
You have my attention, and I'm eager to see where this story leads. I grow tired of the B2B plotline quickly, so I hope it doesn't go in that direction. Given the husband's reaction, though, it's difficult to see how it can lead anywhere else.
Hard to believe this is your first
A really good chapter. Very interested to see how you repair the damage done to the marriage.
Excellent start!
... but a tad short for the initial instalment. Nevertheless, you have captured the essence of a man's pain; from the stage of blissful complacence right through to shattered devastation with adroit precision.
This story focuses on the scenario before the adulterous act has been committed so it is safe to say the marriage can be salvaged; once bitten twice shy and all that.
Well done and well worth 5*
Oh God
The same old dreary melodrama soap opera. Husband cheated on and breaks into tears then throws a tantrum. But this is what the eunuchs love and they swarm to kiss the feet of anyne who panders to them
Great first effort.
I felt the raw emotions. Please don't keep us waiting for the next chapter.
To the commenters
Thanks guys. I really appreciate the feedback. You guys are awesome!
I want to apologize that this chapter is so short. I honestly thought it would be longer than this. It was like 6 pages on my computer, but that didn't translate into the page.
A lot of people have an idea of how this story should end, but I have already finished it and submitted it. There are three chapter in all. I will work on making the chapters longer in my next story.
I didn't get an editor, because I was so excited when I wrote this that I had to hurry and get it posted. I didn't want to wait any longer to see what you guys thought of it. I appreciate all of the feedback and emails. Once again, thank you Literotica family.
Good story
I only ask for one thing. Keep the subsequent chapters close to follow. This is an excellent start. She doesn't tell fuck wad no, she just tells him 'husband would wonder where I am' So, if Brian can come up with a way to sneak, like arranging a vacation day, she's inferring she'd go for it. This is past flirting, the dance has started. They must be working rotating shifts if this is her excuse to make it through the night. At the very least, the marriage is damaged. We'll see what's more important to Selene. Brian's big dick, or her family. Every hospital H.R. department takes a very dim view on this sort of behavior. Hubby already has several courses of action he could take, but if Selene is determined to sample Brian's big cock, ultimately that will happen. It's pretty clear that she's interested, she just doesn't want to get caught. We'll see what her priorities are, and how valuable a stable family is to her.
Decent, if short
But them, you've addressed the length issue.
My biggest problem was the (occasionally) overwrought, back-of-hand-to-forehead, Master Thespian prose. For instance:
"The English language does not contain enough words to even come close describing the tsunami of pain, anger, and emasculating torture that comes with the knowledge that the woman that you love desires another man."
I mean, for real? That sentence should be taken out and shot. It could have been shortened considerably, and here I offer my version:
"There are no words to describe the pain, the anger, the feelings of emasculation that come with believing the woman you love desires another man."
I dunno, seems to get the point across without going all Jon Lovitz on us.
Just my two cents.
BTW, I really am looking forward to reading the rest of the story. The overall writing is actually decent.
Setting the stage is the easy part, and
you did it very well. I'm sure most guys are mad as hell after reading the first chapter. Now that you know how pages in WORD translate into pages on Lit, I would expect stories like this one to be served all in one sitting. I will withhold a vote until the end, as the setup is the easiest. You have dug a hole for the wife, but not one she cannot climb from with some effort. She has shown a huge lack of respect for her husband and she has to admit it and work to correct it. It's the little things that get to us and bring us down. We handle death and illness, but some "flirting", like in this story can bring the house down.
Well Done!
An excellent start. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I gave 5 stars . Listen to HDK. He is a very fine writer.
Very good setting the scene chapter that avoided long paragraphs of how they met as a couple which would of killed the snappy flow of hubby's reaction to his wife's cheating. And lets be honest here, the overtly sexual messaging with bigdick was a form of cheating which Selene's immediately full on shocked reaction to seeing hubby reading those texts proves.
Tony's outrage felt justified and real and I really hope there will be no complete personality changes in his character in chapters two and three which have ruined so many stories on this site.
As with all multi-part stories I'll hold my voting to the end.
very good start
My only mechanical quandry is the length. But that's been addressed. I like the premise, and as several have pointed out, Tony ought to be concerned. The bitch said she couldn't come because he'd get suspicious... Not the right answer! Since her reply wasn't "Fuck off I'm married" she needs to jump through some hoops. I didn't score it and won't until it's all over, but this is a 5 star start.
Saxon Hart.
5*****
Good start. My advice: do not write ANR into your story, because it will be deported to Fetish hub............
good start
Good tension, real emotions. This should have been one chapter, but I think you realize that now. Keep writing
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