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English
Hot but...
I found it a bit distracting the way the dialog was presented
I'm not sure about this one.
I didn't love the way this story was set up. It sounded like a 8th grader was trying desperately to write a fantasy about a cheerleader and the couch. Trying way too hard.
Please all criticism encouraged
I'm flattered that anyone commented at all. This was the very first story I ever wrote so I completely agree with it seeming as you put it "like an 8th grader wrote it". what would change for you to better enjoy it?
How can the dialogue be presented differently, please provide a suggestion if you can.
I write (2) series: coach and cheerleader and electrician and construction manager. Maybe the next ones will grab you better!!!
I disagree,
I think the 8th grader comment is unfounded. I think what a better critisim would be the story could use a little flushing out but it is only a one page stroker. Develop your characters a bit and don't be afraid to put some dialog in that isn't just "why don't you jump on my dick"
For a first story it is not bad
Agreed that it sounds more like a fantasy than a true-life story
Still, this is definitely not bad for a first effort and I am really glad you encourage feedback. The tip-off that it seemed like a fantasy came very early on, when the cheerleader thought she and her squad cost the team the game. I doubt that very much. The roles of cheerleaders have been diminished a lot over the years; they are athletes in themselves doing dance routines and acrobatic routines and not motivating the teams because that's no longer their role. The cheerleader coach might be critical of them but not the sports team coach. Another tip-off comes when the young lady wants to be dominated by a big and intimidating male as punishment for not giving her all. I'm sure that happens, but probably not the coach of a different team. Quite a few cheerleaders are on other teams -- volleyball and basketball and soccer, to name three. Some also participate in other non-athletic team events (there were lots of cheerleaders in choir when I was a student), and they'd be likely to seek out their own coaches.
Not a bad story. You do get it that guys her age probably don't have the authority and power to give her what she wants. (Let's not talk about sex scandals involving teacher-student relationships, but give it some thought.)
Thanks for this story. Keep going for it.
Hey ANON "I'm not sure about this one"
When you criticize someone maybe you should respond with the correct spelling!
"Cheerleader and the couch"? You could have meant couch but I don't think so!
COACH!
Anyway I don't agree, while yes it did sound more like a fantasy than a story being told, I don't think it was written at 8th grade level, or a guess maybe I think anyone who will spend the time and effort to put into words what is in their heart and head should not be torn down but to be encouraged productively! I enjoyed the story and it was a very good first story!
Thanks!
I appreciate the positive words. I know I feel the more I give it a go the better I think it's gotten. But as my biggest critic I also still think I can do better. Stay tuned............
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