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English
Not your strongest poem
The ideas and integrity shine through but I feel that the expression is weaker.
The first four lines are nice about the moon. However, possibly partly because the moon is a common theme in poems, they do not take you effectively into the mind of the protagonist. Consequently, the switch to the thoughts about personal situation is awkward and abrupt.
The ideas and progression of ideas here more than carry a good poem but I do not see or hear any flow. Now I cannot define what constitutes a valid or good flow – possibly the elite on the site can. Long and short syllables, assonance, consonance, alliteration and rhyme all can contribute in terms of sound – but as to how these are best strung together – well... So, for me it goes on feeling and I do not feel that the last nine lines here have it. Possibly this is one you could rework – like I said, the ideas and sentiment are very strong.
AS THE SUN AND MOON ARE A REFLECTION OF THE OTHER
the sharing of emotion should be as well. TK U MLJ LV NV
Cleardaynow
I appreciate your comments and do not disagree... I had a lot of problems with the transition from the moon to my ladies, almost made two separate poems and maybe I should have. The sight of the imperfect moon did actually inspire the thoughts about my love life and I wanted to bring them together. I may let this one stew a bit and try it again. Maybe intersperse the moon with my thoughts, although that is a device that I seem to lean on too much.
Oldbear , nice to see you here , Lesse hath deserted us for ages ......
& yes the romance of the moon .....roundness ......ladies ---there's a pre-historic , poetic connexion in the human neo cortex : 5-ed !
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