How did these people being 'black' or 'hispanic' feature in the story? What did it change? Are all serving girls in Maui whores? Somehow I don't think so. So where did this one come from?
No one was hurt. Every one enjoyed themselves. It was erotic. Married people have the same partner for decades. This story is a fun fantasy of something different without involving humiliation or pain or deception. Thank you
I appreciate the effort that was made here, but this story fell flat in many different ways. I encourage the author to continue writing, but please consider an editor in the future. There were numerous errors with grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc., which pulled me right out of the story from the very beginning.
As others pointed out, there was no character development whatsoever, so it was simply a sexual play-by-play. If we knew a little more about the characters, the sex would be hotter.
Oh, and in general, describing a pussy as making farting noises -- although we all know it happens in reality -- is a major turn-off for most people.
This author, however, wrote like English was not her first language. She seriously needs a writer as an editor as the corrections are way beyond what I would expect a mere proofreader to find.
Story was ok. Its nice to see hubby getting the better end of a threesome once in a while. No humiliation, no backstabbing just fun.
That said, this was Fucking hard to read. First and foremost, what little dialogue, both internal and external needs to be set off by quotation marks.
The server was having her third orgasm and farting up a storm that's awesome daddy she said. That was how you did it in your story. Now the right way....
The server was having her third orgasm and farting up a storm. "That's awesome daddy," she said. See the difference? Find an editor and continue writing.
Thanks everyone for the positive and negative feedback! As I have stated before I am completely new at this so this is very important for me. I won't be discouraged by any comments because like in anything you do in life everyone has opinions, and they all won't be good. This is a great learning experience for me. I will have the next story I post edited. As far as the tag, the site advises you if you want more readers to add tags. I didn't do this with my poem. It was considered a short story and a gift for the husband so their wouldn't be much info about the server ,because the couple will obviously not see her again. I will continue to work on my stories to fit my liking and maybe some of yours with editing. And yes I do have a family. What part of what I've written will make it an abomination for me to have children? Enjoy your week.
English
Depth of Characters
The 2 main characters in this short story needed a little more depth to them.
Look at the tags ->
How did these people being 'black' or 'hispanic' feature in the story? What did it change? Are all serving girls in Maui whores? Somehow I don't think so. So where did this one come from?
Fun story
No one was hurt. Every one enjoyed themselves. It was erotic. Married people have the same partner for decades. This story is a fun fantasy of something different without involving humiliation or pain or deception. Thank you
Keep at it
I appreciate the effort that was made here, but this story fell flat in many different ways. I encourage the author to continue writing, but please consider an editor in the future. There were numerous errors with grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc., which pulled me right out of the story from the very beginning.
As others pointed out, there was no character development whatsoever, so it was simply a sexual play-by-play. If we knew a little more about the characters, the sex would be hotter.
Oh, and in general, describing a pussy as making farting noises -- although we all know it happens in reality -- is a major turn-off for most people.
A decent first effort.
This author, however, wrote like English was not her first language. She seriously needs a writer as an editor as the corrections are way beyond what I would expect a mere proofreader to find.
not a bad story
Story was ok. Its nice to see hubby getting the better end of a threesome once in a while. No humiliation, no backstabbing just fun.
That said, this was Fucking hard to read. First and foremost, what little dialogue, both internal and external needs to be set off by quotation marks.
The server was having her third orgasm and farting up a storm that's awesome daddy she said. That was how you did it in your story. Now the right way....
The server was having her third orgasm and farting up a storm. "That's awesome daddy," she said. See the difference? Find an editor and continue writing.
lol it's ok all comments are feedback
Thanks everyone for the positive and negative feedback! As I have stated before I am completely new at this so this is very important for me. I won't be discouraged by any comments because like in anything you do in life everyone has opinions, and they all won't be good. This is a great learning experience for me. I will have the next story I post edited. As far as the tag, the site advises you if you want more readers to add tags. I didn't do this with my poem. It was considered a short story and a gift for the husband so their wouldn't be much info about the server ,because the couple will obviously not see her again. I will continue to work on my stories to fit my liking and maybe some of yours with editing. And yes I do have a family. What part of what I've written will make it an abomination for me to have children? Enjoy your week.
Damn****
I 'll have what he had PLEASE!!!!!!! Thanks for sharing.
Not Bad
It does sound like an adolescent fantasy, however. Still, very good for your first tale. Keep it up.
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