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English
Hope this is fiction or some sort of writing exercise
Because it is a very good description of clinical depression from the inside. If it is real life I hope you are getting professional help, and good luck.
Thanks***
For the read.
So Sad
Harmony, my mother was the same kind of doormat as you describe yourself. I always regretted her decision (she told me it was a conscious decision she made) to be a doormat for my father. When I married, I chose a woman with some spirit, one who was, and remains, a person in her own right. She has changed over the years, as have I, with childbirth, raising children to adulthood, and beyond.
We still have a vibrant marriage, and a mutually satisfying sex life after almost 40 years of marriage. I respect her, and she respects me, because we remain 2 separate people, who choose to have a life together.
Beleive it or not - It could have been worse!
You are doing things wrong, and you hurt yourself. Stop it - for the sake of yourself, your child and your husband!
I can understand you on the thing about doing the daily chores, doing the same things over and over, getting back to start the moment you have "finnished", can in one way be boring and make you feel you accomplish little and don't reach any goles.
However, this is what life requires of us - to some extent you could say it isactually the meaning of life - this is how people have lived their lives over milleniums - and you need to see it in the perspective of what it acutally means in a good way for your child, your husband, yourself, your family, and to connect with it in a positive way. It is actually possible to look at a dirty laundry pile as a challenge in a positive way, to appreciate your ability to take on and "conquer" it and producing some nice, clean results, and be grateful that you are in good physical health, with a fully functionning body, something that many unlucky people long for every day.
So your first thing to do, is to start comparing yourself to those that are worse off than yourself, like having bad health, no child, no spouse, no house. Self-pity don't make you any good - empathising with those you do not want to change place with and being grateful with what you've got, does. You acknowledge your husband providing you with some of this, why don't you appreciate all of it?
Yes, it easily gets so that other members of your your family take your efforts in the house for granted, not knowing about all you do, not noticing it or appreciating your efforts, because "it just happens" and they are just lucky to routinely be at the receiving end. Take that as a positive challenge to make them aware and appreciate it, - but you don't do that by not washing your hair for a month ... (What about e.g. placing a stable of newly washed underware in the owner's drawer with a red ribbon around it like a gift, maybe somebody will then come to appreciate it as such also?)
Second, stop thinking about you giving to others all the time. Talk with your husband about what you in this family situation need for yourself, to make life being not all about the daily routine so as to give you those extra sparks of joy and selfulfillment. I'm sure he will be happy to try to assist you if he knows that this will help getting you out of your negative thinking that is a hallmark of a depression that you likely are into. (See below for more specifics on how to do this.) But you should also probably need professional help - serious depressions can seldom be cured by close family members alone.
Third, for the sake of your child (and in continuation of the foregoing): Some of the most important thing you can give to a child is the security of knowing that its parents have a healthy, lovingly relationship that builds bonding in the family. Yes, all too often children make such demands on us that we forget to take care of the partner relationship - but that is utterly destructive, as you yourself describe. So talk with your husband about what the two of you need together to keep the spark, and arrange for (some of) it to happen. (Children arn't hurt by being taken care of by some other good persons for a few hours - or even a couple of days - while their parents get some "quality time" together that maintain and strengthen their bonds.) It is not costly lingerie that will recreate bonds with yourself and your husband - but your smile and affection - and that should normally overshadow the unavoidable fact that over the years our bodies don't get more and more attractive compared with the beauty-standards of glossed magazines.
Have you, by the way, tried to see life and yourself from the perspective of your husband. Maybe he also could have lots of boring things and stress to complain about in his job providing the money needed by the family of yours - as well as about a spouce who may seem to try to make life as miserable as possible for herself.
Get pen and paper and write down:
a) a list of all things you (should) appreciate - in particular about your husband and yourself. (That alone should raise your mood somewhat), and continue looking at that list also in days to come.
b) a list of things you think that could realisticially be accomplished in your life to improve it, in particular what you need from your husband. Be specific, formulate it positively (not "doing less of ...") in a measureable manner and for a specified time frame of not more than 3-4 weeks. Start small! It's no point in heading directly into a failure.
Sit down with your spouce and tell hiim some of the things that you appreciate in him. Tell him also that you have some wishes, that you would be glad if he could help fulfill some of them. (Try limiting your presentation to three wishes at the time). Be crystal clear that you don't demand anything from him, that he is free to say "No, this wish is at the time too difficult for me to comply with". If he can't say yes to anything suggested by you, talk together to find something he think he can and will be willing to do to make things better for yourself.
After the lapse of the specified time frame, evaluate whether the wish was fulfilled or not. If yes, be gratefull, happy and enjoy the success. Continue and try to expand with wishes that are more important, and likely more difficult to fulfill - all the time making no demands, just wishes, and not letting any setbacks stop the whole prosess.
If no, the wish wasn't fulfilled, then appreciate the willingness to try, seek to understand (in open, undemanding dialog) why it was difficult to fulfill it and ackowledge any honest explanation given. Consider whether you will maintain that same wish for furher attempts at fulfilling it, or try at another one.
But, of course, you should also reciprocate all this by having your spouse (at the same time) presenting similair appraisals and wishes to you for you to try to fulfil.
You really, really need to change that negative, downwards spiral that you in such clarity and length describe, into a positively upwards spiralling movement that can enhance love and joy in the family - not at least for your child that can not have an all too happy life with parents acting like you describe.
To achieve this you need to focus on the positives, however small they may be, rather than all the negatives that loomes in our perspective. Try to think of 5 positives for each neagtive thought you have. (Carry your list with you and use it if needed.)
(But seek also professional help).
Good luck!
one of the sadest stories
I've ever read made worse by the recognition of my marriage, my wife and me in parts of it.
Five Stars for an Excellent Exposition on a Wasted Life
The story is very dark but very professionally crafted. So I gave it five stars, even though it was so depressing. Base on your bio and the titles and desciptions of your other stories (I haven't read them yet), I hope this story is just a demonstration of your writing skills, and not written from real life. If this is a real life story, I hope you take Anon's detailed comments of 4/17/14 to heart and get help.
Good one
Good story but hope it's not true
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