This was a pretty nice story, but I wish you had carried it farther. It ended kind of abruptly when there was much more that could've been done with it. Your mechanics certainly need some work. You alternated at first between present and past tense, and the way you structure your dialogue needs attention. With those issues fixed, however, it would be more enjoyable still.
Interesting premise, but terrible writing. Really, if you'd only just re-read your story before you posted it you'd see where you fucked up. Even in the first paragraph, which is a cardinal sin for any authors!
The Brit or Aussie colloquialisms were cute, but I can see how the yanks probably wouldn't get them. And the ending was atrocious, it almost felt as though you stopped the story mid sentence.
A little bit of effort could have turned this story into something top notch. I struggled to justify giving the tale three stars. It really was a two start effort...
English
Nice but too short
This was a pretty nice story, but I wish you had carried it farther. It ended kind of abruptly when there was much more that could've been done with it. Your mechanics certainly need some work. You alternated at first between present and past tense, and the way you structure your dialogue needs attention. With those issues fixed, however, it would be more enjoyable still.
Good Story,
Interesting premise, but terrible writing. Really, if you'd only just re-read your story before you posted it you'd see where you fucked up. Even in the first paragraph, which is a cardinal sin for any authors!
The Brit or Aussie colloquialisms were cute, but I can see how the yanks probably wouldn't get them. And the ending was atrocious, it almost felt as though you stopped the story mid sentence.
A little bit of effort could have turned this story into something top notch. I struggled to justify giving the tale three stars. It really was a two start effort...
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