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English
hmm
these thoughts of longing and searching are written in a plaintive pleading tone, that comes across as a realistic outpouring, you could probably drop some of the repetitions, and restructure it to tighten up the line lengths, which in my opinion would give you a tighter focused poem.
a 3 from me, would like to see something else, thanks for the read,
Excellent
I was really struck by this poem.
My take is that the physical and logical structure you use within the prosy style is excellent and refreshing. It lifts the sentiments and pictures from what could easily be cheesy into something beautiful and thought provoking. You often create phrases and images that are striking in an area heavily mined with cliché. You achieve a voice or persona that is very strong in the poem.
Overall, in the few months that I have been submitting and reading poems on this site, this is the best first poem I have seen submitted. Like Todski I look forward to seeing more from you. Incidentally, Tod always wants writers to cut bits from their poems - I shudder to think what that says about his personal fetishes.
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