I know that this story needs the setup, but you really didn't get anything going, except for introducing the ultra-rich, ultra-handsome guy and one of the girls. You probably should have included the next couple of chapters in this one, up to when they all arrived at the lodge... just my opinion, and hopefully constructive criticism.
Having said that, I'm interested in seeing where you're going to take it.
But there isn't enough here to vote on. Maybe rubbing ultra-rich in the face is a turn-on to some, but it isn't to me. I care not whether a person has or has not. It really has nothing to do with the story and it makes it sound stilted and forced. JMHO, it's your story. You do with it what you want. Hornier Bastard was right. You need to develop the characters, but you also need to put more of the story out there in the beginning. There really isn't enough her to make me remember it when it comes around again. I may or may not. if i do I'll read it. Give us something to leave us wanting more.
heh thanks for the feedback... this is my first story, like EVER. I kinda wrote like 10 parts in one go and submitted them all, thinking they might get all published at the same time. You're right though... reading it again, this should've been longer and included more. In fact, Ch. 1-3 should be ALL together, because well... I guess "leaving you wanting for more part" comes only in ch. 3... ah well.
The comment that I made was intended to help you as time goes on... for your first story, it's a good start. I'm looking forward to the next 2 chapters anyway :)
English
this is WAY too short
I know that this story needs the setup, but you really didn't get anything going, except for introducing the ultra-rich, ultra-handsome guy and one of the girls. You probably should have included the next couple of chapters in this one, up to when they all arrived at the lodge... just my opinion, and hopefully constructive criticism.
Having said that, I'm interested in seeing where you're going to take it.
Sounds like it has promise
But there isn't enough here to vote on. Maybe rubbing ultra-rich in the face is a turn-on to some, but it isn't to me. I care not whether a person has or has not. It really has nothing to do with the story and it makes it sound stilted and forced. JMHO, it's your story. You do with it what you want. Hornier Bastard was right. You need to develop the characters, but you also need to put more of the story out there in the beginning. There really isn't enough her to make me remember it when it comes around again. I may or may not. if i do I'll read it. Give us something to leave us wanting more.
thanks guys
heh thanks for the feedback... this is my first story, like EVER. I kinda wrote like 10 parts in one go and submitted them all, thinking they might get all published at the same time. You're right though... reading it again, this should've been longer and included more. In fact, Ch. 1-3 should be ALL together, because well... I guess "leaving you wanting for more part" comes only in ch. 3... ah well.
it IS a good start
The comment that I made was intended to help you as time goes on... for your first story, it's a good start. I'm looking forward to the next 2 chapters anyway :)
Like where this is going!
I am looking forward to the next chapter!
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