The Bullet Vibrator

edit

Your grammar and punctuation are terrible. Get an editor.

That sounds fun!

Sadly, I have to agree with Anonymous - this requires a lot of work to make it readable. Please re-write it more carefully and submit it again. There might even be a better score waiting! Welcome aboard, and don't give up!

Organism?

"Mandy was finding it very hard to keep her composure as she was cumming (Organism after Organism )"

" an organism is any contiguous living system, such as an animal, insect, plant or bacterium"
I really think you mean Orgasm?

Come on

Commenters before this one should relax and let mindcandyxxx have some fun. After all, grammar arent everything, is he? And there are plenty of sex in the story, were'nt there?

4minutes

Theres 4 minutes of my life I'll never get back

try again

I never want to discourage new writers, but I couldn't get past the first sentence because I had to read it two or three times to try and decipher what you meant. Please get an editor and have them look this over, then re submit. I hope you take the criticism the way it was intended.

grammar and......

There are some who think it does not matter, but when the story becomes too difficult to follow most readers give up.
Translating a story into English is work not pleasure.

While it is true that readers do not pay to read these stories we do spend our time which is more valuable than money.

I couldn't get past the first paragraph. GRAMMAR is a rule that needs to be followed as much as possible when writing, it was just plain painful to read as far as I did. And how did she have a waist band to tuck the egg into when she was wearing a sun dress with no panties?

spelling...

Organism after Organism. Enough said.

wow

I feel like I just got punched in the brain. That was like trying to read wingdings.

Just a warm-up............

For the novel that I'm sure is being written!
It's you that the score of "1" was developed, and for whom the score of "0" should be considered possible!

I am assuming English isn't your first language

" I lost her balance and fell right on her ass... " What? Who? Talk to your English as a Second Language teacher and ask for help. You show promise, but you need to work on the grammar.