Lights in the Lake

Well, I like the concept, and the scene itself is stimulating, and the Ancient Rome setting is a nice touch. Nothing wrong with this story from a creative point of view. I'd say if there's a problem it lies in technique.You're either being far too brief or perhaps not quite brief enough. Let me show you what I mean:

"In the dead of night they took her, with the silence of a ghost and the cunning of a wolf."

...that's it? That's the whole kidnapping scene right there? Surely there's more? Surely the image of a damsel in distress can be exploited for its maximum value with a tense scene of the lady surprised at her most vulnerable moments? Surely by drawing the scene out and making it less apparent right off the bat what is happening the reader can be nudged into feeling some degree of suspense? Why give away the nature of the culprits in the very first paragraph rather than let the reveal unfold a little more gradually, to draw on the reader's sense of anxiety? You skipped right over some of the best stuff.

On the other hand, perhaps the idea was to skip straight to the main event so as to keep the story as direct as possible, under the banner of omitting all unnecessary words, as most decent writers and editors will lecture you to do. But if that's the case, I'd say there's quite a bit more that could go:

"You will be content, in a world of peace once you become his vessel...He will take you as he took us...You will be changed in his service. Forever," etc.

These comments are redundant. They all say variations on the same thing, but more importantly than that they're redundant with the body of the story itself. There's no need to tell us that these things are going to happen because they are *about* to happen. We'll find this all out in short order. Giving it away up front is just taking up valuable real estate, not to mention that it, once again, spoils the fun by telegraphing everything. If the women must speak then have them say something we can't discover anywhere else in the story. Otherwise, cut out these bits of business and let us dive (*rimshot*) right into the bulk of the story.

That's my advice, anyway. Take it as you will. Good luck, and keep writing.