Whoops Ch. 01

I hate to say it...

I hope you will welcome some constructive criticism. Your title was very catchy. The premise as a math equation was a nice touch. Unfortunately, your story had no beginning, you jumped right into the sex scene. Most readers enjoy to read how the characters got into a Whoops situation, before they actually do it.

Err.. ok

It's only half a story. The details missing from the story, or that are unclear, are the most important. Continuity. How did the siblings get together in the first place? So many digressions from the central plot, I was surprised the story made any sense at all. The whole sister and her mother in law thing just felt contrived, forced and struggled to be part of this tale. You need to have a central plot and weave the sub-plots in and out of it. In this case, I couldn't make it out. Not as enjoyable as some of your other offerings. But keep writing.

OUCH!

Sorry if you didn't like the story, I think I understand your comments. I have to say it is one I wrote way back, re-edited and proof read: yes I do proof read them before submitting. Anon: "tons of errors!" please enlighten me? I'm not getting a lot of information here so please "anon" what errors?

To answer your point about how they got together, it says they meet up several times during the year. They got drunk, the rest is implied. Should I have written that in, possibly. In the words of the Beatles, "You say yes, I say no". From the looks of it you are right I'm wrong. Good learning point.

Thanks again for the input it does help.

Good start

Good start but got too complicated. James and Annie are a great match both, many under endowed guys go for tiny tit women.

That this was an early effort shows. But it does show the promise of how your later stories are much better. I would not go so far as to call it bad, just that if you ever wanted to revisit the storyline it could use some polish.

I have to ask

Which story were you trying to tell?
Was it about the siblings, or the mother and daughter in law?
because you told part of each, but didn't really tell much of either one.

Thanks again

Thanks for your comments, I can understand your points of view; as I say an early story. Maybe best consigned to the dustbin of history. Thanks again
HS

Keep it going!

This may be a bit jumbled but it has laid the ground for some interesting couplings to happen. I would take the characters further now, Bill and his mother, all the women together, Annie and Bill, Jamie and Mel etc Now the genie is out of the bottle, let it cast its spells! Just keep the main couples together as a love story as well.

Ok, you've edited it.

Good! This time I really enjoyed it. It read clearly, and there was direction. If Literotica would allow me to raise the score I gave you previously, I would.