I have to agree with redlion75 - WTF? And where the fuck did you learn to spell? This is a wank fantasy written by a drippy-dick 13 year-old, go away and actually have some sex before you have the temerity to write about it. NO stars, this is garbage. You didn't even try and use a dictionary, which is why your spelling and sentence structure sucks big, this is based solely on schoolyard whispers and rumors about sex, not any kind of experience. Go away and come back when you've got some fur on your balls.
i forgot to ask is his mom a lawyer or realitor since you said both in the same paragraph
by
Anonymous05/16/14
I wonder
It seems like only the beginning of a larger story to be honest. After all, he does have over a half dozen female characters. They all seem to be drooling over the male lead now, yet he only worked through 3 of them. I think this is just the beginning, so perhaps we should be a little more patient.
This was some truly, truly terrible writing! It's just amazing how you can heap so many mistakes, even in the first paragraph. Seriously, I NEVER say this, but in this case, I feel it's justified.
1. DELETE THIS STORY
2. GO BACK TO SCHOOL - LEARN HOW TO WRITE (Just the basics will do)
3. HAVE SOME EXPERIENCE WITH A REAL GIRL
4. TELL THIS STORY TO A FRIEND
5. GET FRIEND TO WRITE THIS STORY FOR YOU
6. FIND AND USE AN EDITOR
7. LEARN TO SELECT THE CORRECT STORY CATEGORY
8. ONLY THEN SHOULD YOU RE-POST THIS STORY.
I'm sorry if I seem a little harsh, but seriously dude, this was some really bad shit.
I stopped reading after so many grammar and spelling mistakes. Have someone dit the story then resubmit it!
by
Anonymous05/16/14
to many mistakes....
First off the storyline is a good one, however you need an editor if you're going to continue this story. The first mistakes were in the first paragraph. How did mom go from being a REALATOR to a LAWYER in less than four or five words. To many misworded sentences and a complete lack of basic spelling.
Great Storyline. I usually bypass a story with a lot of spelling and grammar errors but yours kept me going. Constructive criticism; reread your own story before submitting it you will catch 99% of your own mistakes. Keep up the good work and can't wait to read about Sammy going for Saffron.
Very good flow to the story, but where does Saffron come into it, except as a female pimp, setting up Sam's sex ed? And why all the seemingly deliberate wrong words? I presume there will be a second chapter, where Sam and sister screw one another, so the series, at least, fits the chosen category. Let's see how it goes if all the words and spellings, etc., are correct. Will that be less interesting?
by
Anonymous05/16/14
couldn't even follow
Seriously ! you need serious editing help, your mother goes from Realtor to Lawyer in less than a paragraph. Your punctuation and grammar are awful. I couldn't get past the first 5 or 6 paragraphs
by
Anonymous05/16/14
Great Story Marred by Too Many Spelling and Grammar Errors
You wrote a hot story, but I found the factual error about the mother's profession and even more so the huge number of spelling and grammar errors to be offputting.
I agree, have it edited and resubmit. You write great porn, but you don't write greatly yet.
by
Anonymous05/17/14
Could not read past first two paragraphs.
Time is to valuable to waist trying to edit your story in my head as I was reading. Plus, if you are going to give someone a profession (i.e. Mom), stick with one, don't change professions in the first two paragraphs.
by
Anonymous05/17/14
What Crap
Ok as others have stated edit and re edit anything your going to post on a site like this.
The mother thing was first issue I had with this piece.
After that it went down hill with all the grammatical errors.
EDIT EDIT EDIT
by
Anonymous05/17/14
Good Story
I found it very entertaining.
Please continue
by
Anonymous05/17/14
Needs Help
It seems like you may have a good story but I just couldn't get past all the errors. You need to have someone either edit or proof read your stories before you post them. There are way to many spelling and grammar errors. Also it seems you are over the place you need to stay focus.
Well looks like a story with a lot of chapters, so thats good! Has a few plot pieces in place to work with, band girl, jealous CC, sister. Shame sister didn't do it for him, hehe.
It was a bit hard to get into though, something about the writing style I cant quite put my finger on... Though some little things like selective service being thrown in there a few times, 'getting my first piece of ass', virgin boy finger fucking her while working her clit, just off things I guess.
Welp on to chapter 2!
English
DIDNT SEE ANY TABOO OR INCEST HERE
Much as it pains me
I have to agree with redlion75 - WTF? And where the fuck did you learn to spell? This is a wank fantasy written by a drippy-dick 13 year-old, go away and actually have some sex before you have the temerity to write about it. NO stars, this is garbage. You didn't even try and use a dictionary, which is why your spelling and sentence structure sucks big, this is based solely on schoolyard whispers and rumors about sex, not any kind of experience. Go away and come back when you've got some fur on your balls.
i forgot to ask is his mom a lawyer or realitor since you said both in the same paragraph
I wonder
It seems like only the beginning of a larger story to be honest. After all, he does have over a half dozen female characters. They all seem to be drooling over the male lead now, yet he only worked through 3 of them. I think this is just the beginning, so perhaps we should be a little more patient.
Wow!!
This was some truly, truly terrible writing! It's just amazing how you can heap so many mistakes, even in the first paragraph. Seriously, I NEVER say this, but in this case, I feel it's justified.
1. DELETE THIS STORY
2. GO BACK TO SCHOOL - LEARN HOW TO WRITE (Just the basics will do)
3. HAVE SOME EXPERIENCE WITH A REAL GIRL
4. TELL THIS STORY TO A FRIEND
5. GET FRIEND TO WRITE THIS STORY FOR YOU
6. FIND AND USE AN EDITOR
7. LEARN TO SELECT THE CORRECT STORY CATEGORY
8. ONLY THEN SHOULD YOU RE-POST THIS STORY.
I'm sorry if I seem a little harsh, but seriously dude, this was some really bad shit.
To Be Fair Though,
I would actually love to read the edited and finished product. It seems like it might be a fun little story.
good story don'tquite now
don'tmind those dumb fucking annons.
Re-read!
I stopped reading after so many grammar and spelling mistakes. Have someone dit the story then resubmit it!
to many mistakes....
First off the storyline is a good one, however you need an editor if you're going to continue this story. The first mistakes were in the first paragraph. How did mom go from being a REALATOR to a LAWYER in less than four or five words. To many misworded sentences and a complete lack of basic spelling.
Great Storyline
Great Storyline. I usually bypass a story with a lot of spelling and grammar errors but yours kept me going. Constructive criticism; reread your own story before submitting it you will catch 99% of your own mistakes. Keep up the good work and can't wait to read about Sammy going for Saffron.
Very good flow to the story, but where does Saffron come into it, except as a female pimp, setting up Sam's sex ed? And why all the seemingly deliberate wrong words? I presume there will be a second chapter, where Sam and sister screw one another, so the series, at least, fits the chosen category. Let's see how it goes if all the words and spellings, etc., are correct. Will that be less interesting?
couldn't even follow
Seriously ! you need serious editing help, your mother goes from Realtor to Lawyer in less than a paragraph. Your punctuation and grammar are awful. I couldn't get past the first 5 or 6 paragraphs
Great Story Marred by Too Many Spelling and Grammar Errors
You wrote a hot story, but I found the factual error about the mother's profession and even more so the huge number of spelling and grammar errors to be offputting.
I agree, have it edited and resubmit. You write great porn, but you don't write greatly yet.
Could not read past first two paragraphs.
Time is to valuable to waist trying to edit your story in my head as I was reading. Plus, if you are going to give someone a profession (i.e. Mom), stick with one, don't change professions in the first two paragraphs.
What Crap
Ok as others have stated edit and re edit anything your going to post on a site like this.
The mother thing was first issue I had with this piece.
After that it went down hill with all the grammatical errors.
EDIT EDIT EDIT
Good Story
I found it very entertaining.
Please continue
Needs Help
It seems like you may have a good story but I just couldn't get past all the errors. You need to have someone either edit or proof read your stories before you post them. There are way to many spelling and grammar errors. Also it seems you are over the place you need to stay focus.
Great so far
It is a great story so far keep it going
Well looks like a story with a lot of chapters, so thats good! Has a few plot pieces in place to work with, band girl, jealous CC, sister. Shame sister didn't do it for him, hehe.
It was a bit hard to get into though, something about the writing style I cant quite put my finger on... Though some little things like selective service being thrown in there a few times, 'getting my first piece of ass', virgin boy finger fucking her while working her clit, just off things I guess.
Welp on to chapter 2!
love it
I love it
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