I really loved how you set up the family dynamics between Jimmy and Serenity but when Jimmy went all MMA on the guy in the bar I felt it was pretty unnecessary and only added cheesy drama. Now I'm not perfect either I am really cheesy sometimes it really was hard for me to cut down until someone pointed it out for me and that's what I want to do for you. Cause you plot really deserves some major kudos. I really enjoyed the characters not really seeing eye to eye thought out most of narrative that was genius, that really drew me in. The only other thing was the amount of times "I love you" was used during the sex scene. I think if you only use one or two per character it would be a lot more profound. Thanks and keep on writing I want to see more of Jimmy and Serenity!
by
Anonymous01/30/15
I really liked your story. The emotions were right on point. I would love to read what happens next. Please continue this story
English
Very good plot but poor execution
I really loved how you set up the family dynamics between Jimmy and Serenity but when Jimmy went all MMA on the guy in the bar I felt it was pretty unnecessary and only added cheesy drama. Now I'm not perfect either I am really cheesy sometimes it really was hard for me to cut down until someone pointed it out for me and that's what I want to do for you. Cause you plot really deserves some major kudos. I really enjoyed the characters not really seeing eye to eye thought out most of narrative that was genius, that really drew me in. The only other thing was the amount of times "I love you" was used during the sex scene. I think if you only use one or two per character it would be a lot more profound. Thanks and keep on writing I want to see more of Jimmy and Serenity!
I really liked your story. The emotions were right on point. I would love to read what happens next. Please continue this story
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