Solid writing--I have a few suggestions, and please take them or leave them, as you prefer. Crit/suggestiony stuff first, praise second. ;)
Try a "brutal edit." A brutal edit is when you go through and cut ALL adjectives and adverbs. After you read the new version, you decide on a small number of places to add adjectives/adverbs back in, but for the most part your writing will be stronger without them. (Examples: "framing her face cutely" --> "framing her face" ... "dumped her by basically telling her" --> "dumped her by telling her") But keep the "hot" in "full of hot life," because that's too awesome to mess with. ^_^
There are a number of places where I'd say you should be using the past perfect tense (had studied, had worked, etc.). Past perfect expresses the idea that something occurred before another action in the past. (Example: "I had had similar problems putting together work as a web developer after I graduated three years ago...")
You might want an editor/proofreader just for some little things that you, as the writer, probably aren't noticing as you proof your own work. (Example: "She grabbed the book off the bed, slid down and padded across the room to set the book on a teetering pile of a dozen others on a chair across the room." "Across the room" x 2, there. Just minor things like that.)
I wanted to see the narrator's reaction when Hannah suddenly, rather startlingly hugged him and invited him upstairs!
Nice use of the senses. So often people stop at the visual and perhaps tactile; I appreciate you getting into scent, especially. You could add more of that. Too much description can be irritating, but your descriptions are good and I think you could add more without going over the top.
I love the little details--for example, the Dali book jabbing the narrator in the back on the bed. Touches like that make a story so much more fleshed-out and interesting.
Good stuff. Thanks for posting! Your subject matter isn't really in my usual area(s) of interest, but I very much enjoyed this story.
Thanks much for the feedback; it's all welcome. Would be nice to have the stuff edited to be stronger, but that becomes its own problem. Definitely making use of some of these ideas as I keep writing 7, 8, 9.
English
Hey, who left this Dali book lying here?!
Solid writing--I have a few suggestions, and please take them or leave them, as you prefer. Crit/suggestiony stuff first, praise second. ;)
Try a "brutal edit." A brutal edit is when you go through and cut ALL adjectives and adverbs. After you read the new version, you decide on a small number of places to add adjectives/adverbs back in, but for the most part your writing will be stronger without them. (Examples: "framing her face cutely" --> "framing her face" ... "dumped her by basically telling her" --> "dumped her by telling her") But keep the "hot" in "full of hot life," because that's too awesome to mess with. ^_^
There are a number of places where I'd say you should be using the past perfect tense (had studied, had worked, etc.). Past perfect expresses the idea that something occurred before another action in the past. (Example: "I had had similar problems putting together work as a web developer after I graduated three years ago...")
You might want an editor/proofreader just for some little things that you, as the writer, probably aren't noticing as you proof your own work. (Example: "She grabbed the book off the bed, slid down and padded across the room to set the book on a teetering pile of a dozen others on a chair across the room." "Across the room" x 2, there. Just minor things like that.)
I wanted to see the narrator's reaction when Hannah suddenly, rather startlingly hugged him and invited him upstairs!
Nice use of the senses. So often people stop at the visual and perhaps tactile; I appreciate you getting into scent, especially. You could add more of that. Too much description can be irritating, but your descriptions are good and I think you could add more without going over the top.
I love the little details--for example, the Dali book jabbing the narrator in the back on the bed. Touches like that make a story so much more fleshed-out and interesting.
Good stuff. Thanks for posting! Your subject matter isn't really in my usual area(s) of interest, but I very much enjoyed this story.
Thanks much for the feedback; it's all welcome. Would be nice to have the stuff edited to be stronger, but that becomes its own problem. Definitely making use of some of these ideas as I keep writing 7, 8, 9.
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