Change from first person to third makes this v v hard to follow
by
Anonymous06/09/14
Get a mentor, maybe.
Too many named characters that don't get developed make this really confused. It needs simplification, maybe only name the 3 main characters, treat the rest as wallpaper-ie just mention in passing. They may be developed in future, perhaps. This opening has some promise but needs to be more attractive to the reader...
English
Change from first person to third makes this v v hard to follow
Get a mentor, maybe.
Too many named characters that don't get developed make this really confused. It needs simplification, maybe only name the 3 main characters, treat the rest as wallpaper-ie just mention in passing. They may be developed in future, perhaps. This opening has some promise but needs to be more attractive to the reader...
I agree that this chapter feels a little scrambled, however, the premise is intriguing and I'd like to read more. Has definite possibilities
Wtf?
I do not get it.
Yikes!
It was late when I published all of these. I must not have saved my edits properly. Darn. I won't let that happen again!
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