All Comments on 'F5: Inspiration and Desperation'

by MSTarot

Sort by:
  • 17 Comments
yesterdaysyesterdaysalmost 10 years ago

I liked this one a lot. Wish it had gone on longer and gotten more racy. Perhaps a sequel is possible? The names of the colors were a nice touch.

PennLadyPennLadyalmost 10 years ago

I enjoyed it but admit the last line lost me. But I think that's my own fault.

AMoveableBeastAMoveableBeastalmost 10 years ago

Clever dialogue, flowing and dynamic, amusing enough to keep me interesting, fast-paced enough to keep me from getting bored. The tale itself is charming, too, with a cuteness that never quite becomes cloying in its sweetness. A well done story.

The last line (assuming that she painted a nude of him, and I'm not just an idiot) is subtle and fitting.

xelliebabexxelliebabexalmost 10 years ago

I liked it in a 'Getting of Wisdom' sense. You painted nice characters and I liked that you held them back from just jumping into bed together to rid him of his virginity.She was a strong character without being overpowering, Good Job :)

patientleepatientleealmost 10 years ago
You don't have to be A teacher...

...to be THE teacher. This one struck me hard. I have had this conversation with several authors who downplay the impact of their advice on writing because they aren't teachers by profession. This story perfectly illustrates why that is hogwash. We all see the world differently. Sometimes all we need is a nudge from somebody different to see it our own way.

SecondCircleSecondCirclealmost 10 years ago
Very Nice

I could start by offering this. The use of the opening line with the three items was so simple but ingenious. How many times have I seen an art teacher set the most random items together on a table and set their students to paint from within. As a matter of fact, I find that symbolic of what this contest and its organizer have done for the participants, setting those same items before us as a starting point and allowing us the freedom of expression moving forward. So right off the bat? I liked the use of the line and where it took you.

I got tripped up quite often as the story began. Namely, sometimes I wasn't sure if it was present tense or past tense because they crossed a little too often. I could be wrong there, but it got a little bit distracting for me. Then there was a typo here and wrong spelling there, but none so bad they took away from the story. But they were noticeable. For me none of these technical errors took away from the story actually.

Here's why. The story you told was awesome. Simple start. I'm seeing those items just as he (what the fuck do I do with these?) Then you used what I think are your obvious strong points. Characterization, strong inner narrative, visual descriptions. These things reeled me in. Cynthia was a funny, friendly, helpful critic that I wanted to have a beer with myself. Your MC? He was just as timid and reserved as the story needed him to be. I personally wasn't sure who Cynthia was to him starting out. Long time friend? Just a classmate he knew, or a stranger who's name he knew and nothing else? But that fog lifted at the bar with realistic but edgy dialog. Her bluntness about sex in his eyes kinda had that affect on me as well, so I was feeling your characters. Well done with both.

Then there's your overall theme or idea. How she cracked his shell and made him take that step (in her own sexy way). When he started to look at those objects in a different light? The story felt great. With his inner dialogue about his painting, asking those questions about the story of those objects, you just described every artist's inner struggle. My inner artist looked up from his newspaper with interest right there. That process sounded familiar. And I noticed this. In that section, you must have been in the zone in your own process, because typos and tense fell right like they should have.

Ah yes the ending. You've tickled my fancy there. I fucking love open endings or "obscure" lines. Don't know if you meant it that way or not but it happened. My muse and my demons and my conscious were all shouting at each other in my head about what cynthias painting was. It was him! No maybe she wasn't joking about being Les it was the teacher! Ha! She painted herself! Whether it was meant to be clear or not, you made me wonder and that's a good thing for me. I hate you for not spelling it out. I love you for letting it fester in my head.

Overall, it could've used a closer look with an edit maybe because sometimes the errors were distracting. But the tale skyrocketted past all that and it shined despite the scratches and dents. And I can't shake the symbolism I saw between the painting of those items, and the writing we're FAWCing doing here.

Good luck in the contest.

sheabluesheabluealmost 10 years ago
Really nice!

I have to admit, the beginning of the story was a little uneven and distracting with errors in tense and other errors in general. But the second half really swept me along. Maybe, like your protagonist, you took a little time to find your inspiration. I really enjoyed the description of the painting he eventually achieved, what kind of table he could see, and why, and the other details. I did think at the beginning, that he was not an experienced painter, and was only taking the class because of the teacher. But he has to have experience and talent to be able to paint like he did at the end. Maybe sprinkle in a few clues in the beginning that he is not inexperienced, just uninspired. Nice job!

SwillySwillyalmost 10 years ago

This was an enjoyable read, and fun.

I'd suggest a final read through before posting. There were a couple things that you could have caught.

drteethodrteethoalmost 10 years ago

The suggestion Cynthia gave sounds very good and like it would be a lot of help. I'm not sure it would magically improve the lead character's painting skills so dramatically, but I don't know the first thing about art so maybe I'm wrong.

There are a lot of really good elements here. Some of them probably need to be drawn out a little more to take this story from good to great. A couple things I don't understand but I would guess it's more likely my cluelessness as a guy compared to any problem with the writing itself.

Not perfect, but all in all good job and enjoyable to read.

jomarjomaralmost 10 years ago

Cleverly written, nice dialog and sprinkling in detail. I liked how you captured Cynthia's personality by showing, not telling. Well done!

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 10 years ago
Fun

I really enjoyed this one despite some of the quirks (the thought of yellow beer made me think of piss. Amber? Paint colors shouldn't be capitalized. I'm pretty sure you can have sex in a Prius). One of the best uses of the elements I've read--sustained and integrated, made important to the story. Smooth writing. Followed right along and enjoyed the ride. One of the best I've read.

stlgoddessfreyastlgoddessfreyaalmost 10 years ago

Excellent use of dialogue to tease out character personalities and attractions. The story really came alive when Cynthia started talking, which is what happened with the narrator as well, so I thought it was fitting.

Tx Tall TalesTx Tall Talesalmost 10 years ago
How to make a reader fall in love with one of your characters. Cynthia.

Warning: My comments will tend to be harsher than complimentary. It is meant to help. I hope that by identifying what *didn't* work for me, the author might have some insight into areas of improvement, so far as one reader's opinion goes. I didn't read the other comments, until composing my own.

---

* First impression during and after the read. *

Love the line '... wanted to surf her wake.'

Pet peeve, errors in dialogue punctuation, lots of them. Missing periods, commas, periods where there should be commas - half a dozen, at least in the first 1/3 page.

His infatuation comes through clearly, and the humor Cynthia finds in it just as clear. "Pathetic people sent a note. They don't want you in their club house." Almost laughed out loud.

"... wood-ish, if you can't manage anything harder." Glances at crotch. I'm beginning to love Cynthia.

"... she sai." ? We could kind of use a 'd' on the end of said.

REALLY need to work on dialogue punctuation. Getting distracted.

Cynthia. I want a Cynthia. Fun girl. Makes me smile.

"... with her fro awhile." Freudian? Do we still call it a 'fro?"

"I'll get it latter." Later, maybe? - still on the 1st half of first page.

NO! They BOTH play for the other team? Aargh. - Damn, Cynthia, you had me going too.

Love the explanation of how to vision the items before painting. Point to Cynthia.

Love the introspective, thoughtful, confident new painting process. Love it. Thanks, Cynthia. I can see the picture in my head. Well done.

God, I love a happy ending. I would love to know what she had painted. Really enjoyed the story.

* Favorite Elements *

His lame innocence, lack of confidence, turning around. Cynthia. Just a fun character. Even liked the teacher. Great credible characters.

Enjoyed the bar scene, imagining the teacher in her underwear. So visual, so easy to picture. Of course, his breakthrough painting was the perfect transition. Very well done.

Sparse details but fitting. Appropriate for such a short story.

Excellent use of dialogue. Believable, fitting. Easy to picture each scene.

* Issues *

Badly needed an edit. Dozens of errors. Way too many. Distracting.

Would have liked a little clearer conclusion, but it didn't detract from the story.

Other than that, I loved pretty much everything about the story.

AnonymousAnonymousover 9 years ago
I found Cynthia to be abrasive

Her attitude towards him was almost abusive and the thought that he would want to go for a second beer was ludicrous. She was humiliating and teasing him and men in his position tend to be sensitive about the issues she was trashing in his face. No enjoyment here.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 9 years ago
Unexpected development, but interesting and compelling story

I don't know why, but as I reflect upon this story, it reminds me of "A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man". I'm guessing the narrator reminds me of Stephen Dedalus and the conflict he felt until he makes his decision to follow his aesthetic ambitions and become his own man.

And I like the fact that Cynthia did not turn out to be a love interest, which is the predictable path most writers would have taken. I enjoyed Cynthia's lesson on developing the artist's inspiration and using that to create the painting - true for writing as well.

Memorable and well done!

luv2read2

tazz317tazz317almost 9 years ago
NOW HE MUST FIND THE MEMORIES

to put on the canvas. TK U MLJ LV NV

AnonymousAnonymousover 7 years ago
More please.

Congratulations. Much better than F5-Heirlooms—I had to push myself to finish that one, while this one left me feeling disappointed that there wasn’t more. You still need to hook up with one or two of the volunteer editors for proofreading, if nothing more, but this one would be worth their time and yours. Thank you for writing this and sharing it.

Barry

Anonymous
Our Comments Policy is available in the Lit FAQ
Post as:
Anonymous