All Comments on 'F5: Lorelei's Call'

I think this one's funny, and then funny-*hot*, and then funny again! Very well done. I would like more. Maybe the author could consider transforming it into a larger erotic-comedy story? Hope so....

Fun, fun, fun. A little like a naughty Fantasia, with a dose of Terry Pratchett thrown in for good measure, rounded out with good old-fashioned Germanic/Norse mythology for backbone. Thanks for the entertaining read!

This was a great little read, Thank you :)

This use of that opening line was surprising. And it hit me in the soft spot I have for mythology.

Being as short a tale as it is, I couldn't take much from the characters. To me they were sort of blanks. The two apprentices seemed not very much different simply because there wasn't much there. I'm not sure that is totally a bad thing, for it told the story you wanted to tell in an indirect way, drawing men (regardless of who the are) to their doom. More or less. It's simply my preference to feel the characters.

Ah but that sex was pretty saucy. It didn't quite reach its full potential for me, but the descriptions were enough to whisk me away with it. I only wanted just a little more, to feel that irresistible pull of the lust that drags them down. But it was nice.

I personally kinda wanted to see more of Her. Sort of a grandeur or marvel that coaxes them in, weaves her sweet spell. The lovely song was there, I just wanted to look through their eyes and behold Her myself. She is technically the star, right? The mythology was an awesome choice and something about any kind of "siren's call" deal I really love. It's like the pull of the storms of lust. ;) But I just wanted it to tug a little more in my opinion.

Cool use of the opening line, nice tight little tale, and great sex there. Just sing gor me a little more and I'd love it.

This story picked up steam and promise a few paragraphs in, and echoed for me both Fantasia and parts of the Odyssey/Lorelei myths, a nice blend. The mythical voice was done well, but I would have enjoyed a little more depth of characterization, particularly for Ewal and Alaric. The maiden - well, I didn't feel the need to know too much more about her, her effect on the apprentices was quite clear. A gently funny story.

Really well done!

Those sorcerer's apprentices never listen, do they?

Nicely done!

In a lot of the FAWC stories this round, I've wanted note to be included in the story for a better path from beginning to end. This story shows just how much can be accomplished in a single Lit page for a hot, satisfying read that feels like it's missing nothing. Part of that is due to the archetypal nature of the characters (How do enough magicians' apprentices even survive for us to have new magicians?) as others have noted and part due to spare, direct storytelling. This needed a second pass from an editor for usage and repitition , mostly in the beginning, but the story was so fun I didn't even really notice them until I read it a second time.

Warning: My comments will tend to be harsher than complimentary. It is meant to help. I hope that by identifying what *didn't* work for me, the author might have some insight into areas of improvement, so far as one reader's opinion goes. I didn't read the other comments, until composing my own.

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* First impression during and after the read. *

Good clean writing. Not too complex. Should be a fun read.

me," Alaric, muttered. - unnecessary comma.

he said, and he did so, - did we need the 'and he did so'?

Some really long sentences here.

"ears—to no available—as" - should this be 'to no avail' ?

leafs - I think 'leafs' is a valid plural, but leaves is much more common

I like where this is going. Evil Lorelei.

Holy cow, these are some long sentences.

". . . Lambert's tongue, by instinct known to all males, . . ." - perhaps not to ALL.

Vivid description of the act. Helpless boy. Good stuff.

and he's gone. Well done.

Crap, here goes another one, will he be able to resist?

Looks like that's a big negatory.

Damn - time to find some new apprentices.

What a fun little story! Short, to the point, a hot little sex scene, and excellent use of the first line items.

Grammar and writing were very good, although the paragraph long sentences distracted me. Perhaps this is typical of these types of stories, I don't know.

* Favorite Elements *

Simple direct plot, complete, beginning to end.

The helpless seduction and taking of the first apprentice.

The feeling of despair from Alaric, on losing his apprentices to the Lorelie, and creating a new generation.

* Issues *

Character development was almost non-existent, but this is a flash story.

Maybe it's just me, but as I said above, a LOT of VERY long sentences. Break them up a bit.

I wouldn't complain if the scene with the Lorelei were a little longer, the boy tried to resist, and Gisela had a transformation once her task was complete. All unnecessary for this charming little tale.