All Comments on 'F5: Mystery Night'

I liked this story, though it seemed like the end was just tacked on to explain the first sentence and didn't really fit with the scene. Good job though :)

This story was a hot, rollicking little sex tale. Amusing and arousing, with little pretense of being anything else. A stroker, but a fine one. I concur that the ending seemed a bit out-of-left-field. And I question the faithfulness to the prompt. The blindfold certainly played a center role, but the others seemed forced, without question. Nevertheless, I enjoyed it, and I feel that was the purpose. So in that, good job.

This was a nice, arousing story, and really fun to read. The end did seem a bit odd to me, but it didn't take away from the sexiness of the story. Though, if I got a night like that every time I got pregnant, I would have had a lot more babies!

Craziest celebration of a pregnancy announcement I've ever heard of!

What came before it was a pure, unapologetic sex romp. Nothing wrong with that!

Nicely effective stroke story, a lot of fun, generally well written. I like the weaving in of the three items in the starting line.

This read like an existing stroker that was then wrapped in a few paragraphs at the front and the ending to qualify it for the exercise. The sex writing was really good. Doesn't hit the top for me, however, because I felt there was a bait and switch on a hook/ending. The question of the greater story involves the who/why/twist of the mystery woman. This was pulled out from underneath the reader and a new element--presumably just to qualify for the exercise--of a pregnancy was slipped in. Luckily the erotica was good.

This was a hot, fun little story. Well done!

Warning: My comments will tend to be harsher than complimentary. It is meant to help. I hope that by identifying what *didn't* work for me, the author might have some insight into areas of improvement, so far as one reader's opinion goes. I didn't read the other comments, until composing my own.

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* First impression during and after the read. *

Loved the guys initial reaction. "Crap! Did I miss something?" So real.

" . . . get EVRYWHERE clean," Missing an E in everywhere

" . . . she finished my giving me . . ." by, not my

" . . . and see where it lead." maybe 'led', not 'lead'.

' . . . note that read; "Use me."' Not sure, but I think that semi-colon should be a colon or gone.

mind/mind echoing twice now. Find another word or phrase and mix it up

Really enjoying the slow build up, and the teasing preparation. Seriously. This is great.

" . . .she had me rise and lead me from the bathroom." led vs lead again.

Appreciate the use of italics to indicate thoughts.

worked down // worked down // worked down. Three times in six sentences. Mix up the phrases, please.

Still loving the anticipation, the teasing. Good job.

Feeling a little nervous for the guy, awkward position, so much out of the norm, what's going on?"

"I couldn't wait to see shat her new grooming job . . ." I hope 'shat' wasn't the word you meant to use.

Warning claxons going off in my head. Deep throat like a pro first time? Shaved pussy? Safe word time.

"This time her mouth was warmer than usual; almost too hot. I figured she had spit the ice cube out, but I didn't understand how her mouth could heat up so quickly." This has been a fun ride - please don't make him stupid.

Never mind - he figured it out.

Definitely safe word time. New partner, first time anal play, and now a vibrator up the ass? Too much, too soon, after past history. I'd be distinctly uncomfortable.

"In my mind's eye I could see her leaning back ion ecstasy;" - in, not ion.

" . . . perfect c cup breasts . . ." convention has the 'C' writting in caps.

" . . . my face again wile suckling . . ." - your while is missing an 'h'

"I felt her jump and her a gasp between sucking . . ." - should 'her' be 'heard'?

Lots of little mistakes here, during the sex scene climax. Maybe you enjoyed writing it too much. One handed typing is killing you - ;-)

"AS I was sucking . . ." As doesn't need to be all caps.

" . . . all you could her was my grunting . . ." hear, not her.

" . . . and said 2 words." Most style guides recommend writing out 1 digit numbers. 'two' words.

" Moments later I felt the tingle beginning in my shaft. It spread over my balls and my ass clenched. Moments later I let . . ." Issue with phrase echoing. Moments later / moments later. Several times in this story. You should work on that.

"All I herd out of . . ." heard, not herd.

Won't tell him who it was? Non-starter. Major issues.

This was all about her getting pregnant? Still don't get it.

Overall, a simple stroker, with a nice anticipatory lead up, and questionable antics. I think most husbands would have some issues with what happened and/or why. The use of the items was minimal, and baby book seemed contrived. She's pregnant, so she brings her 'girlfriend' in, blindfolds him, ties him up, and does things they've never done before. Weird and awkward.

The sex was pretty good, just twisted.

* Favorite Elements *

Anticipatory lead in. Accurate portrayal of the guys initial reaction. All the stuff going around in his brain.

Pretty hot sex.

* Issues *

Trust. The woman just made a mess of that. He brings up a threesome and he's in the guest room for a week. Her way of bringing it up is tricking him into it, blindfolded and tied up. What is her relationship with the woman? The 'why' made no sense as to why it should be a secret. None.

Pulleys for his legs? What kind of bedroom setup do they have?

Lots of writing mistakes halfway through the sex scene. Need to edit that more carefully. Maybe read it backwards to keep the content out of context, and just read the words.

The ending seems wrong. Way wrong. Just my impression. Pregnant or not, we'd be having a serious discussion if there was a new player in our sex life, and not only was I not told about it before, but the person was kept secret afterward.

As she will be raising it by herself after the divorce. Without communication the marriage is over. Yeah it sounds like a nice male fantasy but the reality is what did she just expose him to? An STD? Aids? Herpes? In his position most men simply roll their heads into the pillow and slide the blindfold up enough to see what's going on. The writing simply never convinced me that this was anything but a slut satisfying herself without regards to her husbands wishes.

As was stated, bringing a stranger in without prior consent does not sit well. I doubt that his wife would not accept a reversal, especially when it came to anal play. Yeah the protagonist liked it and didn't throw the the safe word flag but the entire event was essentially non-consensual. If this was wifeys celebration of pregnancy (why I hate fucking surprise parties) she owed it to him to reveal and introduce Mystery Woman. Especially when it appears that the play between the two women perhaps was not their first time.

And Tx Tall Tales, I like your writing but never realized you were such an OCD Internet Troll. Your nitpicking was juvenile and neither critical comment or review. That weak-ass shit should have gone in an email. #ASSWAFFLE

I wouldn't want to be tied down by anyone, even my wife whom I mostly trust. Wouldn't want to be blindfolded and certainly would have had some second thoughts when the wife said get everything clean and then hoisted my ass up into the air. At this point the odds would have been more in favor of her having brought in another man and the tied up husband getting ass fucked all night long for her edification. As it is that ribbed thing that went up his ass could have been a dick with a ribbed condom on it. Not such an exciting night that. As to the wife and her friend playing with each other, not such a good sharing night there either. Seems like the night was at his expense for her. There would be some really deep conversations if that were my house. Probably be some umbilical blood draws for a quickie paternity test. She's 2 months pregnant and this is the first he hears about it? Seriously?

Well, as you can see I was less than impressed with this story. I read it all the way through, it was a good read. Just like I said, not my cup of tea.

That is crap. There is so much wrong with this story. I would have bit the bitches clit off. Let her go to the hospital and explain that. And wife would be close to divorce. I know some of you would think that is wrong. But this was RAPE. To hell with them. This

What a load of crap.

Fiction allows us to take some licenses. This story was awesome,

Unless there is a backstory here that we don’t get to see this is just too dangerous to spring on your partner. I don’t think bringing in a third person without prior consent is a reasonable action inside a relationship, furthermore the whole blindfold thing and what amounts to an assault is just not cool. Well writen but I can’t say I like the concept very much.

I love the stories where they always happen to have a bed to tie the straps to in each corner!