Sibling's Secret Game Pt. 01

Not bad

Good first story but should have been longer . Gave it a 4 . You should get someone to edit for you . Please keep writing can't wait to see the next part .

Nice rough draft, but . . .

There are many technical problems with the writing. You need an editor who will help you with the techniques of writing; it is more than transcribing the oral rendition of a story. The story itself has a good set up but it needs more character development.

fangs a lot

good story. looking forward to next chapter. it seems petty but good editing does make the story better. gave it 5 stars tho.

seems rushed

it seems it went to fast they just jump into bed the first night. where's the proper background? where's the character development? where's the plot? like one other reader said good rough draft but not in postable condition, it needs a lot of work and editing.

I loved it

I liked the story need more and it would be so sexy he stuck his face in that ass and pussy and make her squirt on his face Thanks

I loved it

I liked the story need more and it would be so sexy he stuck his face in that ass and pussy and make her squirt on his face Thanks

great

my only criticism we have to wait for next part,so post it ASAP

More please

Yeah, that was hot, please post more.

Good fantasy

Good fantasy; I haven't read about playing vampire games as yet, so it is original to me. A beginning, middle, and end of a story would be better. I ended up starting to read half way through the idea of the vampire game. The male tried a few things on his sister. His sister approached the game knowing she was going to blow her brother. Alcohol fueled escapades happen a lot. I want a sister like her; my sisters are much older and boring!
RS

You just told us she was 19, and in NYC... How did she end up being able to "knock back" drinks in the pub? There was no mention of a fake ID or anything. That and I agree with some of the comments. It felt a bit rushed. It has amazing potential though. Build it up more for the next part please?

To: You just told us

I dated three 19 year old girls that could drink a sailor under the table.... So lighten up it's just a story. You sound inexperienced with wild girls....

Quite a game! So where is Pi2?

Be Positive!

I can't believe the other comments or posts! This was a good story, a fantasy, and while simple, simple is hot too...

Hopefully a second part is in the making.

OK, now, who am I going to play this vampire game on??????