Prototype F-96

Nice first story

Hey NemoHoes, nice first story. Can't wait for the sequel. Keep it up.

Great start

Lots of possibilities. Keep going.

Keep on going with this! Lots of possibilities.

loved this beginning....keep writing please......we want more....LoL

great start

This is a great start, I hope you continue with more chapters.

Hopefully the remote wears off or has an off-feature, otherwise it will be hard to explain the changes he will be making in these women. Are they only horny towards the one who has the remote?

Don't have him tell his friend Caleb about this or show him the remote. The best part about a mind-control story is that it is one person with this power. If he shares it, it's not as special.

Why did you have to give him a 7-inch dick? It's a mind-control story, it doesn't matter how big it is, they are going to have sex with him and enjoy it.

Sequel

Have him accidently use it on his bitch of a sister(s) and her (their) friends, while his folks are out of the house or away on a romantic trip.

please continue the story on the other women in the neighborhood. Moms, daughters, and whomever comes to mind this needs a few sequels

Great story

Great job.. Needs to continue.. Maybe family member?

please keep this story going

this story has so much potential and while it's a good start it needs to go on 4 longer then one chapter. good luck and good job.

Fantastic

More chapters man. It got me going good and would hope for more. Also would be nice to make them a little longer

pretty much agree

I agree in general with all the comments except the one about it being too short. I personally enjoy a short and to the point story every now and then. A good first effort. Keep it up and go ahead and use some of the ideas that were suggested.

Great so far

Definitely keep it going! I have to contradict another comment that recommended incest, though. There are so many local women to control, I don't think his mom should be one of them. Anyway, good work.

More chapters please

Agree with all the comments, plenty of room for more chapters, can't wait for the next one.

perfect

Huge turn on. I need more.

Why?

Why would you even consider making this a single story when it definitely lends itself to a series. I gave you a 5 only because that was as high as I could go. Now it's time for you to do your part and add several chapters to this wonderful story. The possibility of future stories is endless. Great job!

Outstanding

For your first story I am very impressed and will be looking forward to this series continuing.

You definitely have a talent for this.

Liked it

Really liked the story and the slow start. Looking forward to read more!

Unless you are 13, write as an adult.

I strongly suggest, you, contact an editor, or ask someone, with an aptitude for the English language and the rules of English grammar, to help your future entries.

Make a commitment to provide serious detail. I.e. create an atmosphere and environment, that will motivate them, mentally and emotionally, to literally feel, the beads of sweat roll down someones body, hearing them breath, as if they will suck the air, right out of the room...........be extremely explicit, in your language, in describing smells, sounds, colors.

Use words to describe a woman's body, as Da vinci, used brushes and colors to paint that same woman.........detail, detail, detail.

If you are going to continue to write, pay attention, to your female writers, you, will find them, much more emotionally available...........as an author, your tool are words, that, light the fuse of the imagination..........not pictures. Males, are extremely visual, use your words, to reach their psyche. Women, must have emotion and feelings, expressions.

You can put all I know, on the head of a pin.

But that is just me.

if you call this a slow start

you must also think 5 strokes instead of 3 is an extended orgasm.
this was most likely written by a junior high/middle school boy with no experience beyond online porn.