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What a delightful first story!
Thank you and welcome, sithdibo. This was a well-written and sexy piece of work, even more so as it seems to be your first effort here. Very well done - I look forward to reading much more. Five stars.
Dialog problems abound
You really should find an editor before posting another story.
The errors in grammar, spelling and punctuation were so numerous and distracting in this story that I stopped reading after the first two or three paragraphs.
If a line of dialog is a question, end it with a question mark INSIDE the closing quotation mark. For example:
WRONG:
"Where are we going" I asked as she drove?
RIGHT:
"Where are we going?", I asked as she drove.
WRONG:
"What are you wearing under"?
RIGHT:
"What are you wearing under?"
WRONG:
"The tight shorts I usually wear...you know"?
RIGHT:
"The tight shorts I usually wear, you know?"
WRONG:
"And you" I asked?
RIGHT:
"And you?", I asked.
WRONG:
"Are you feeling adventurous" she asked?
RIGHT:
"Are you feeling adventurous?", she asked.
And that's about how far into your story as I could stand to read, the problems were so distracting.
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