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English
Dirty little slut.
Loved it 4*
going against the crowd
I actually enjoyed this, although agree there were some rough edges
3 *...
Just 3 * because of two reasons: 1st - If he wasn't there how could he told in detail about what happen in the room? 2nd - The word love was used only about tequilla!!
Shakes head
You don't need to be a race driver to be able to drive. Writing is a bit like driving, in that you don't need to be a Nobel prize winning author to put pen to paper.
What you do need to do is follow a couple of SIMPLE rules. With driving, you need to stay on the right-hand side of the road or if you're in England and Australia on the left-hand side of the road or your driving experience will end badly.
With writing it's no difference! Don't use second person for this type of writing. Second person is tailoring a story to one specific person and can't be used to entertain a multitude of people.
I'm using second person here pjlush because I'm talking to you specifically and no one else. Others may read this but they will know that I am talking to you alone and won't get their respective panties in a knot..
If you use first person, then you can only tell the audience what you see, hear, are told or find out with recording and such. If any of these scenarios aren't mentioned then you are basically clueless as to what anyone else is doing in the story.
Follow these rules and although you may not win any races, you will have an enjoyable yarn to share with others.
Amanda
MY $00.02 WORTH
I agree with the comments about second person, however I give you credit; as close as I could tell you never slipped out of viewpoint, something most writers almost always do. Ignore those who call it a piece of crap, they mean well but can't seem to find a story about a cheating wife, where the husband isn't an unforgiving SOB. Hmmm, might be a story there.
Can you see what the commenter said about 2nd person being so limiting. You were talking to the husband and the rest of us didn't give a care about what she did. Had you written 1st person the wife would have told her story and we would care for we would all be told what she did, what she felt, and what other people told her.
Better yet, write in 3rd person, from a god viewpoint. Now we can know what everybody says, thinks, and feels. Perhaps I should say: thought, said, and felt, for 1st person past tense is usually best.
Lots of luck and keep on writing!
i actually thought this was pretty good
Four stars, thanks
Fair to middling
LW erotica. Thanks for writing. 3*
Feedback
I have struggled with the negative feedback - I'll work on getting better at writing - was tempted to completely give up - but I'll try and get better on this. I was trying a new perspective but clearly I got it horribly wrong :)
Please
Don't write in the 2nd person. It makes me feel like you're trying to bring me into the story and I don't want to be part of the story. 1st or 3rd person works best.
don't stop!
2nd person can be jarring, but it can also play into a story and few can write in it well.
AND if the biggest issue you face is the person in which you wrote, the subject and story telling are already there.
i liked it. i'm looking forward to what you do next.
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