That Phrase... Sylvia Ch. 04

Good

It is nice when the main character deals with his problems in an intelligent, rational way. There wasn't much warmth in this tale. The relationships all seemed cold, even the one with Rachel. The main character did not seem to have much depth of feeling.

Missed Opportunity

The author had a great opportunity to introduce conflict and drama into the story with the takeover bid at the board meeting. But instead of showing us what happens, he gave us one sentence that told us dad was out and angry enough to never talk to his daughter again. The wrap up was too quick. It feels like we got the outline instead of the completed story and therefore it felt stilted and the characters were flat. Two stars.

Well played!!!

Finally a mikoli story where the ending wasn't fucked up.

HALLELUJAH!!!!!!

5 STARS

Very good

Yes, the style was a little remote, but the story line was good and was told well.

Personally, I would have preferred less wait between submission of each chapter, but now that's no longer an issue for future readers.

Good story, thanks.

ok i guess

I haven't enjoyed this series a great deal, I think because I couldn't feel much empathy for Don, ok that's not quite true as I did feel some sorrow for the way Sylvia treated him in Ch 1. However overall I found your characterisation of Don to be of a self centred, callous & slightly twisted man. The name of the story was " That Phrase...Sylvia " but really it should have been Don's name instead of Sylvia as everything was about him & she was just an accessory.
Your writing style still grates with me & together with the odd spelling/grammar errors I found this a difficult tale to enjoy. 3***

It always astounds me that authors would tarnish their protagonists integrity by threatening blackmail.

I enjoyed this story into other end because it shows a person who will stop at nothing, including blackmail, to get what they want. What kind of a person does that?

Considering blackmail is a federal crime, if that didn't work, what other. Crimes would he have committed? Plant drugs on Sylvia? Rape? Murder even? I don't know what he would have done because he compromised his morality the moment he was willing to use anything against her to get his way. That is NOT the actions of a good man.

Not Needed

Not bad, but as I said in Ch 3, just not needed.

Could have ended with Ch 3 as a "And they lived happily ever after."

If you absolutely HAD to have the drama with her father, this was short enough you could/should have just added it to Ch 3.

Seriously

This was awful. Some of your sentences were so poorly constructed that I almost forgot about your stiff and unrealistic dialogue.
You need an editor. If you have one, then you need an editor familiar with English.

the ending was fine

nitpickers give it up

I enjoyed the story, but

I got lost in some (many?) of the sentences. I think my first piece of advice to the author would be to work towards having shorter, crisp sentences. The tags are an example. I have not determined how the tags work. If the search tag must be identical, searchers would not find this story unless they had memorized the author's tags. Instead, use: divorce - cheating wife - new beginnings - new woman.

Good Tale

The main character could have been pleasanter and I certainly agree that a detailed Board Meeting would have made an interesting chapter if well done. Your style gets some of us lost even though in the end I can find my way back. Keep on writing...

Makes no effort at all to justify the wildly out of character behavior of Sylvia. The main character is still an unlikable Mary Sue incapable of doing anything wrong. And there is no conflict, drama or sex. Why did you even write this if you were clearly already bored with it?

Thanks

I think that when one half a marriage decides as Sylvia did, this is a totally honest outcome. I know I would feel that way myself. Great read.
Corsair

Not a bad series

The ending felt very rushed, quick even!

I thought the story was OK, but needed to be expanded a bit so it flowed better. The ending was rushed and the scene where he throws the pre-nup on Rachel's desk was totally out of character. I doubt that Rachel would have wanted to marry someone who acted so irrationally without at least having some discussion about what she had actually signed. In addition, the substituting of different pages and terms to a signature page is very unrealistic, as her father would have to know someone was going to read it. The use of tired plot devices to add drama does little to improve a story.

That wasn't very satisfying as endings go.

Not bad overall. But Don wasn't a very likeable guy and the ending felt abbreviated.

A corny tale

Dumb wife , I do not know any women dumb enough to start an affair or have sex for sexs sake because a friend said it would improve you sex life. Are there any women out their that can fall into that category . I can see an affair for a million other reasons but not this one introduced by this writer. Sexless marriage, husband cheating or beating wife a control freak and hundreds of other reasons?

Commenter right

Don was NOT likeable, I was disgusted with Rachael and Don taking her fathers company from him, obviously killing him in the end. Quit, move on, but don't take a mans life from him because he doesn't like your potential mate.

The final chapter was rushed and ruined what could have been a pretty good story.

Sorry

Sorry but, you got off track and this story turned into a pile of dung. Think about it, your should have stayed with the story about Sylvia.

Needless (or worse) continuation.

Agree that the add-on about a new Sweetie is awkward and detracts from a previously consistent tale! 'More' is NOT necessarily better. Consider golf scores!

This is a common thread in the stories I read of yours, so pay attention

Your dialogue is stilted and pretentious. It does not read like people actually speak.

This makes reading these conversations an effort of will to pull understanding out of the text instead of letting it flow through the reader.

The real truth...

The real truth about cheating was said by him: "It wasn't you I hated Sylvia, it was the disloyalty you showed to me". It's always about disloyalty, about no respect...

boring unneccessary chapter

Yawn, is it really over? Good. Should have ended two chapters ago.

Charactar devlopment

Mikoli, Keep working on your writing, you have some good ideas, but for me your character development was weak. After the first chapter I thought that both of them were assholes, I more or less did not care what happened to them, whatever bad crap happened they deserved, and what was more, I did not even care too much. She cheated, As soon as she cheated he likewise bailed out. I think both her and his intransigence were a bit over the top. Then the unrealistic part about going to Vegas and he wins a ton of money to make the divorce quick and painless was not plausible (at least for me).

And frontlinecaster is still a dipshit.

(And a misandrist cunt)

Good Finish***

Thanks for sharing.

*grins* Ooh, more anons who don't understand what the words they are using mean, nor basic facts about a person's gender. Please, tell me more about who I am?

Oh, wait, you can't, because anons can only post once per story, and you are a lazy, coward who can't even be bothered to sign up for an account to be held accountable for the bile you spew. So as usual your opinions, like all anon opinions, are worthless.

Addendum

Yes, the ideas aren't bad. Some of them are clever and good.

As always, more editing is a plus. It isn't the writing, it's the RE writing.

But we don't know these people, don't really care about them. When I read these 'love scenes' between Rachael and whatever the fuck his name is, I get an operatic tone of two Wagnarian singers belting arias to one another about how SO in love they are in high volumes. As always, show don't tell.

Pacing is also a problem. This should have been wrapped in the other story.

Damn it, I'm trying to be complimentary here. This isn't one of his better stories. I recall some I liked much more, so I don't dismiss him out of hand. These things click with the crowd or they don't.

Keep trying. I'll take a peek

Mary Sue

Mary Sue is a term which is a bit esoteric. Essentially, it s a flawless character who is attractive, fit, brilliant, well liked by everyone. Every woman wants to be her and every man wants her.

Yeah, this guy is a bit of a Mary Sue. However most Mary Sues here ride Mustangs...just saying ;-)

Oh, he's by far not the worst about Mary Sue characters here, but that's a good description. In this case it's that he has no flaws, everything he does that's wrong is suddenly justified by the narrator, and everything bad that happens is immediately solved through no effort and no hardship on his part.

Damn

Kind of a rushed ending there mik. Still it gave the result I wanted so I gave it Five Stars

Good for the most part and a huge improvement over previous stories due to the character's personalities not changing from one extreme to the other. I do agree with other posters that the drama with Rachael's father added nothing to the mix and the story would of worked better with a "lived happily ever after" bolted onto the end of chapter 3.

I love this fantasy world you closeted, bitter, lonely guys have constructed where I have power and influence on this site and people get banned for anything other than being flagrantly abusive spamming assholes. In your delusions, why have I not banned accounts like this author if I have so much supposed power?

Frontline pretty much nailed this one.

It lacked emotion, plot, any twists or turns. His wife played, he left her and found someone else. This story was quite unremarkable.

Ok, here is my comment

I pretty much like all stories on LW forum. Some I like better than others. I liked yours. What I don't like is the trash talk that comes after the chapters/segments against one another and the running down an author's work. You wrote it and you liked it enough to post it on here. At least you can right and have correct word usage, which a lot of "writers" on here cannot do.

I wish there was a provision to turn off the comments that are after the stories, so I don't have to be drawn into such petty differences. If I tell you I like your story, which I did tell you, that is between you and me. I like this section over all others on Literotica, but will read others. I will NOT read gay (M/M) which makes me sick. And if someone slips it in a cuckold story, I will jump over it or quit reading it all together. Looking forward to your next selection mik.

Thanks

Not so sure why she is surprised at his feelings. She does realize he knew about the orgy. Would have loved her to have explained that part.

Keyword Seems To Be Consistency

Protagonist did not reveal himself to be anyone we didn't meet in chapter one. And that is welllll appreciated.

If you come across a good learning resource on the use of semi-colons, snatch it up!

Read this today - consistently terrible

I don't know where to start - just bad - I read all four parts in hopes something would happen but ....I should have mowed the lawn or had a Root Canal

abrupt and terse

what a way to force an ending.
no emotion. no feelings either way. and no resolution.
seems like there were just enough tiny little bows to wrap up the issues without making even a ripple on the water.

Stale Sex Life

I can't believe he never brought up in discussion with Syl that it was her refusal to try different activities that led to their sex being boring. Refusal that was readily abandoned as soon as she bed others.

needs work

The story line was pretty good but the story just didn't flow which was a real distraction. If you had an editor get a new one, if you didn't have one get one!

Re-Read The Whole Series

You know, I think another chapter filling in all the holes would be good. The lousy friend Ronnie, what happened to her? How about the father of the kid? And what about Sylvia herself? Maybe make it from her point of view. Just a thought.

story is complete

Author most clearly points out , that the Husband just does not care , is not interested , has no inclination to know ... he has moved on is happier than he has ever previously been ... that part of his life is over , finished , ended ....

i love a good btb tale as much as the next person ...but in this story it ends the way it's written .. the betrayed husband has no need to revisit or find out any details.

simply put : i am happy , i have the best new wife in the world , i am very wealthy. fuck the ex. and her friends and her lovers ,and the horse they rode in on.

total contempt for them and what they do , where they are , how they are.
total disinterest , the ex wife etc , are beneath his notice , of absolutely no interest and of no importance to him......

the story is done , unusual ending but it is complete .. there is no need for anything to be added to the story

Interesting Plot, Poorly Executed

I liked the overall concept of the story. I did not like the protagonist at all but that's not really important as to how good of a story it is, or isn't. A story can be excellent with a completely despicable main character. My problems are more in the presenting of the story. The stilted dialogue, the strange sentence structure, interesting grammar, the miraculous solving of problems within the plot, etc. etc. all added up to what is to me a mediocre story.

WHY CANT WE ALL JUST GET ALONG

say our prayers and have a do-over. TK U MLJ LV NV

The wuss got lucky

If not for Rachel, I don't see this ending nearly as well. His major conflict with Ronnie was never even addressed. He was a poor excuse for a man.

Strong start; weaker finish!

OK the start was awesome! He stood up and made his terms and refusal to go along with Sylvia's selfish wants VERY clear. Good start there, Mikoli5763! Retreating into hard work was also very understandable; most men could identify with that after suffering a 'death' like the one Sylvia forced on him. But, as others have suggested, there were a few holes that needed to be filled with more details, and Sylvia just 'riding off into the sunset' is unreasonable. Rachel popping up as an invaluable new wife and partner was good. But with his new influence, Don could (and should) have exposed Ronnie for being the toxic snake she is. Maybe a new story from Sylvia's perspective, with her in some sort of mental health program AND bringing the much-deserved wrath down on Ronnie, Jerry and anyone else that helped kill a healthy marriage.

Way too Long

This story could have been told in 2 parts, at most. One star because of length.

Could Have Been Great!

This story seemed to be missing something. It flowed along pretty well but there needed to be more conflict between the characters and the plot.
Also at the beginning, he seemed to give his wife permission to cheat when he gave her the 3 rules. He should have said that if she does it, it's divorce-no rules-no doubt-no apologies.

meh

too long. the lover and ronnie walk away scot free.