All Comments on 'Disguise'

Powerful, strongpoerrful strong final lined are killer

Very well written. There is a dark side to our sexuality we both fear and anticipate with excitement. The whole poem speaks of that, and it all comes together in a powerful last stanza.

I liked this so much that I went off-line to parse it.

I liked the way you structured the syntax of the first two stanzas and varied the syntax thereafter. That may be lost on some, but I believe from the earliest we learn language in a structured way, both its repetitions and variations, and their influence is subconscious and sometimes the difference between "knowing your shit" and "knowing you're shit" which brings me to a second point. Although it would not be apparent in the poem when recited, I liked that you made Night into a personal noun. It makes the reader stop for just a moment and think whereas an uncapitalized "night" wouldn't. At least, that's how it affected me.

Perhaps the most powerful line was

"And will you know I'm dumb with darkness and emotion and everything there is"

after which there's a little bit of a hiatus before the concluding stanza.

I've not seen your work before. I hope you'll submit more. Thanks for a wonderful read.

GM, Disguise? This Guise. Dis would seem to be a rather functionless prefix. Let's assume the intent is there, Disguise would serve as a pointer for Night.

not sure of the purpose of " and everything there is," nor of the organization of the front end of the lines. repeats "Will" and "And" seem to be randomized. And they are capped as of attention is to be paid. Now the random alliteration (? of that is what it is called)

plunder and pain

tender threads,

dumb with darkness

all seem to occupy key places in the text

This:

And tease it apart to discern those tender threads,

a very good line

And like all good writers, knows the power if three

Beyond pleasure, beyond logic, beyond the edge of squirming words.

Beyond, beyond, beyond which leads to

Because Night

Fucking Capped Night

Well that is enough of My don't know shiittiness, for now, there are some other things

but 5

Nice to see you poeming, my dear. Dark and intense writing. I get a bit of a Coleridge vibe. xo

This is an excellent piece of writing but I have problems engaging with it as a poem at all. My first impression was, yeah fine, but very clunky. Some very strong lines, 1201 has picked the best, and the last three - anticipated ravishment, ( very good).

Then I went away and came back for another look. As a declamation, lines which might appear in a play, it works (for me) perfectly, but as a poem, no, I think it needs a lot of work.

For examples, the 'will yous' are great props for a dramatic performance but here the repetition is a bit too much.

Then in the penultimate stanza I thought the opening words or two of all the lines except the last were redundant. Possibly without them you could increase the overall imperative (threat in Disguise).

But maybe I've just missed something, it wouldn't be the first time!

Thanks Doc.

You are asking questions in the first three stanzas. Snip 'Or' from L4 or explain why it is necessary to seperate/bridge the 1st and 2nd as opposed to the 2nd and 3rd or 1st and 3rd. Not really necessary.

'and everything there is' is way too vague of a statement and comes off as a nonsensical ramble.

If all these questions aren't answered, does that mean you won't be able to let Night into the bedroom? Perhaps a failure on my behalf to grasp the point of this.

Still an entertaining piece.

This made me melt a little on the inside. Great imagery and choice of words.