slow down and give some better background and character development, make us care about them and want then together. you need to build more plot and more tension between them.
by
Anonymous07/25/14
Way to fast
You had a good story but you rushed through it. You need to slow down and take the time. Start with character development and some give background. You need to make us the reader feel and care about them. You need to building more plot as well as tension between them. So if you take the time and do as suggested you will have a better story.
by
Anonymous07/26/14
good not great
I agree that you have a wonderful story here, but wow- you just pushed it too fast. You had the opportunity to have several fun and intimate moments and glimpses into their lives and characters. The Twin factor could have been so much more central to the tale. How, for instance, maybe you could have shown even more how their need to speak out loud was less necessary. Almost telepathy, or at least empathy. Could they have even shared the ecstasy of orgasm? Were they a good son and daughter that would do all they could to care for Dad, who is barely on this planet by your description. Why do twins (obviously exactly the same age) go to different collages? Could they 'feel' each others joys and sadness over the miles? There are so very many avenues this tale could take and even go into multiple chapters without becoming repetitive, but you rushed it so fast and ended it so abruptly that it didn't even make a good basic 'stroke' story. You need to develop your characters and give them depth. Make your readers love and hate them a little and want to see what they'll do next. Tell us a little more about their mom and was she an important influence on their lives. Did they get their strong sex drive from her. Do they carry on their affair or even try to eventually make their lives with each other. Describe their encounter more erotically. Tell us when they make love and when they fuck. Show us how having a deceased mum and mentally elusive father has driven their need for one another, since they each are all they have left to love fully. This story is full of pathos (implied) and the opportunity for great love and sex scenes with sadness and joy around every corner.
just think you should of had one of them tell the story
by
Anonymous07/26/14
Sibling story cliche to avoid...
Whenever a sister character calls her brother "bro", readers often tune out. It become more like a cartoon than a story.
by
Anonymous07/26/14
Twins, hot tub - not another one...
This storyline lacks originality because it is identical to so many others. It is also badly written, full of mistakes only a child would make.
If you are going to write a story at least make sure you're using correct grammar and spelling. Try using a word processor with a spelling and grammar checker, and then get someone with high standards of written English to proofread it for you.
by
Anonymous07/26/14
Very good story
You had a very good story although you pushed it a bit fast. You easily could have had it 3 pages longer, especially if you added to James and Kelly bonding over breakafter a long tough semester, also you added that one went to State the other to U of M, that is a huge rivalry if it is the State and U of M that I'm thinking of (Michigan State and University of Michigan) you could have a lot of trash talking between the two ragging on each others universities still a good story
A lot of promise here but lacks creativity to set your story apart and the polish to make it sparkle. Be particularly careful with word choices. i.e., obtuse. That's a real stretch the way you used it and creates a huge road block in the narrative for discerning readers. Keep working.
by
Anonymous02/26/17
Yum
There are wayy too many long ass stories on here. I don't have all night :) hot sexy one shot, nice read
English
very rushed
slow down and give some better background and character development, make us care about them and want then together. you need to build more plot and more tension between them.
Way to fast
You had a good story but you rushed through it. You need to slow down and take the time. Start with character development and some give background. You need to make us the reader feel and care about them. You need to building more plot as well as tension between them. So if you take the time and do as suggested you will have a better story.
good not great
I agree that you have a wonderful story here, but wow- you just pushed it too fast. You had the opportunity to have several fun and intimate moments and glimpses into their lives and characters. The Twin factor could have been so much more central to the tale. How, for instance, maybe you could have shown even more how their need to speak out loud was less necessary. Almost telepathy, or at least empathy. Could they have even shared the ecstasy of orgasm? Were they a good son and daughter that would do all they could to care for Dad, who is barely on this planet by your description. Why do twins (obviously exactly the same age) go to different collages? Could they 'feel' each others joys and sadness over the miles? There are so very many avenues this tale could take and even go into multiple chapters without becoming repetitive, but you rushed it so fast and ended it so abruptly that it didn't even make a good basic 'stroke' story. You need to develop your characters and give them depth. Make your readers love and hate them a little and want to see what they'll do next. Tell us a little more about their mom and was she an important influence on their lives. Did they get their strong sex drive from her. Do they carry on their affair or even try to eventually make their lives with each other. Describe their encounter more erotically. Tell us when they make love and when they fuck. Show us how having a deceased mum and mentally elusive father has driven their need for one another, since they each are all they have left to love fully. This story is full of pathos (implied) and the opportunity for great love and sex scenes with sadness and joy around every corner.
liked it
just think you should of had one of them tell the story
Sibling story cliche to avoid...
Whenever a sister character calls her brother "bro", readers often tune out. It become more like a cartoon than a story.
Twins, hot tub - not another one...
This storyline lacks originality because it is identical to so many others. It is also badly written, full of mistakes only a child would make.
If you are going to write a story at least make sure you're using correct grammar and spelling. Try using a word processor with a spelling and grammar checker, and then get someone with high standards of written English to proofread it for you.
Very good story
You had a very good story although you pushed it a bit fast. You easily could have had it 3 pages longer, especially if you added to James and Kelly bonding over breakafter a long tough semester, also you added that one went to State the other to U of M, that is a huge rivalry if it is the State and U of M that I'm thinking of (Michigan State and University of Michigan) you could have a lot of trash talking between the two ragging on each others universities still a good story
Promise
A lot of promise here but lacks creativity to set your story apart and the polish to make it sparkle. Be particularly careful with word choices. i.e., obtuse. That's a real stretch the way you used it and creates a huge road block in the narrative for discerning readers. Keep working.
Yum
There are wayy too many long ass stories on here. I don't have all night :) hot sexy one shot, nice read
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