You vary your tense from past (she took my shirt off) to present (and I'm rubbing her neck). It distracts from an otherwise good story.
by
Anonymous07/30/14
.
You wrote this in present tense. Never write in present tense. That's just stupid. No vote!
by
Anonymous07/30/14
Memories . . .
Hot story! And tender. I loved and still love a cousin, and even though we didn't have sex (partly b/c we were both virgins and from a very religious family), it was an unforgettable relationship. I know just how he feels! That cousin-love will never go away; you will always be soul-mates. And your introductory paragraph is exactly right too---there is no happy ending for most of us.
But our parents would never have allowed us to sleep in the same room, bunks or no. (These stories on literotica always seem to feature parents who are absolutely clueless or else are perverted.)
Can't figure out why she had just a few wispy pubic hairs; if she's old enough for this site (18) she surely has a bush or has trimmed it. Another point: since this was his first time, how on earth could he go for an hour before shooting his wad? And since they were on the floor, how did she stay on her knees & elbows that long without getting rug-burn? ;-) The business of caressing her neck was one of the most erotic scenes I've seen here!
I hope the next part will give us the "back-fill"---the personal development behind each of them.
English
not bad BUT
needs more background and character development as well as more detail to slow things down and make it last.
Excellent
Great start...Looking forward to Chapter 2
You write well. Pay attention to tense.
You vary your tense from past (she took my shirt off) to present (and I'm rubbing her neck). It distracts from an otherwise good story.
.
You wrote this in present tense. Never write in present tense. That's just stupid. No vote!
Memories . . .
Hot story! And tender. I loved and still love a cousin, and even though we didn't have sex (partly b/c we were both virgins and from a very religious family), it was an unforgettable relationship. I know just how he feels! That cousin-love will never go away; you will always be soul-mates. And your introductory paragraph is exactly right too---there is no happy ending for most of us.
But our parents would never have allowed us to sleep in the same room, bunks or no. (These stories on literotica always seem to feature parents who are absolutely clueless or else are perverted.)
Can't figure out why she had just a few wispy pubic hairs; if she's old enough for this site (18) she surely has a bush or has trimmed it. Another point: since this was his first time, how on earth could he go for an hour before shooting his wad? And since they were on the floor, how did she stay on her knees & elbows that long without getting rug-burn? ;-) The business of caressing her neck was one of the most erotic scenes I've seen here!
I hope the next part will give us the "back-fill"---the personal development behind each of them.
I love it!
Great sexy story. Looking forward to more.
Needs to be continued
You have a great story started & it needs to be continued.
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