No Shame Taken, Just Returned

It's**

A read.

No real story there. 2*

Damn

Some heavy duty shit in this tale. The bottom line, don't fuck with my sister. I think like that also.

Five Stars

No idea what the fuck you're on about.

Get it outta LW. 1* you ass fucker.

another

if only it were that easy to get rid of the sickos.

Go away!

betrayedbylove also. Both are sicko's who put new meaning to "thinning the herd.!"

surprised so few understood this story, or maybe they ID with the rapist

nicely done, handled well

Men with their junk intact 5 Stars

Nuff said!

If he had everything in his house recorded, why did it take three weeks for these guys to be arrested?

@Drbeamer3333

@Drbeamer3333: "If he had everything in his house recorded, why did it take three weeks for these guys to be arrested?"

"I held off these three weeks at their request, waiting for their investigation to finish."

I can't speak for most people

But when I am talking about my brother in law, I call him by name. Now, the author used that title to identify the antagonist. This is because this is very short and wants development.

Right now, people may or may not be fist pumping for righteous revenge but we don't know what happened, who was involved and we are not emotionally invested in the circumstance except for the natural horror a bystander has when something happens horrible happens to strangers.

Write longer.

No thanks

This, then, becomes the ultimate example of how so many people on this site vote for an ideal, or a way of thinking and behaving...but not for a story.

There's nothing really wrong with the base premise. It's just that it hasn't been developed beyond just that. There's no characterization, no motion, no dramatic suspense or desperate hope for what will happen next. The author clearly understands that a lot of people here only vote based on whether they got the ending they wanted. They don't care about or much value the journey there, or they wouldn't vote five stars for a story that is ONLY an ending. So he gives a story like this, and in doing so poses the question, "why write anything at all, besides just the end?"

Wrong Category - shoud have been NC

Nothing about any LW in this story.

Two GIANT problems with this story

First - there isn't a "loving wife " in sight. So you posted this in the wrong category. HUGE mistake.
Second -WAY too little information in this to make it a decent story. No background on anyone, no detail covering anyone's actions and certainly no reasons for anyone's actions.
As a flash story this just didn't create any interest and it certainly wasn't entertaining.

@TheUnOriginalist

Perfectly put. It is not the destination, it is the journey in a story.

good flash story

Don't mind the the neg response if their only complaint is wrong category....

That's how it must be done...

That's how it must be done. Always call the police after getting proof.

I agree with most of the comments!

Where is there a loving wife? We don't even know if the protagonist is married. As someone else said, it was also way too short, no background at all. I can only attribute this to laziness on the part of the writer. Obviously, you know how to write but weren't interested enough to put any real effort into the story.. Why then write anything at all?
Best I could do was give you a half-assed score for a half-assed effort on writing a story.

loving wife

What sort of a idiot would consider this to belong in the loving wives category?
What a pile of pathetic crap!

Wrong!

Although I can sympathize with the intent of the story, there was no background (wrong), no plot or even storyline (wrong), and this certainly had no real sense to it . You expect us to believe that a man would willingly allow himself to be sexually assaulted, with people watching, just to get evidence (wrong)?! And you think that real, honest cops are going to just sit there and watch (wrong)?

Wrong idea, wrong execution and certainly the wrong damn category!

This may be...

...the stupidest "story" ever posted to this site. Seriously. What was the point of posting this? It isn't even half a story. As others pointed out, it's an ending without a beginning or middle. Was there a technical error when you submitted this?

And why on earth did you submit it in this category?

SMH.

FYI, Punctuating Dialogue

As an FYI, when one paragraph ends with a quotation mark and the very next one starts with a mark, that indicates the character speaking has changed. If a paragraph doesn’t begin with a quotation mark, that indicates it’s narrative.

When one character is speaking and is not uninterrupted by narrative or another character talking, every paragraph starts with a mark, but only the last one has a closing mark.

Category is the smallest problem

Failure to develop ANY of the characters is much more serious. Plausibility is another ... how the fuck do you talk four church-going heads-of-family into repeatedly gang cornholing / oral raping of a guy who is protecting his wife from her abusive brother? I think it would be hard to assemble such a gang even within a criminal-rich environment!

The apparently uncorrelated investigation against the Mayor culminates after three weeks of abuse? Good it wasn't longer, because Hubby might have caught 'Stockholm Syndrome' and started looking forward to the visits! Pity the time wasn't shorter, because tissue irritation would increase the opportunity for any HIVirus to 'take!'. BUT ... why was the one crime tolerated because of a familial link to the other crime? Maybe the 'victim' just pissed off the investigators! I know Hubby's initial address to the congregation irritated me!

2*

LMFAO agreed SwingerJoe is the queen of horrible stories that being said, this isnt a,story, Its an outline to a story. And a pretty bad one at that. Surprised that SwingerJoe and Frontlinecaster dont like it. I thought they enjoyed male rape.

Probably too busy getting their asses plowed to realize it.

My 2 Cents

It is a flash story - could it have been done better sure. That would be true every story posted. Where is the wife? His sister was the wife of the chief perp. We have to assume she loved her a hole husband. Just because the wife wasn't the wife of the protagonist does not mean it is not LW material.

Where's the rest?

I usually like short stories, ones I can read in my lunch break, but this is really lacking in information. Clearly something happened to make these men think Jack Murphy deserved to be raped, but what was that bad? Please tell us more.

STUPID.. really stupid

so the house was wired yet he let them rape him several times and beat on him and threaten him many Times... WHY?

Does the law view 1 gang rape different from the the 3rd or 6th or 9th ?

Wrong category. Should be in non-erotic.

Otherwise it shows some promise.

i liked it

I liked it. I read the comments panning it, but I can understand why someone who wanted justice, along with a good dose of legally obtained revenge, could choose such a path. If the financial rewards are considered along with the man's desire to ensure the safety of his sister, then yes, a few beatings and sexual assaults might be worth it. I may have also noticed something that other commenters overlooked, the reference to aids. If the man was gay, and had, or might have, aids and be a bit of a masochist perhaps that could explain why he would be both willing to endure multiple sexual assaults and the beatings and not care if they became public knowledge. Just speculation on my part, but the aids reference made me think of it.

Wrong Category

Should be Non-Erotic or maybe, and it's a big maybe Forced Non-Consent. That being said, it reads like the end of a screenplay or something. The writing itself reads like a rough draft.

not enough information about any of the characters to care

&

without context why try?

meh

No background information....

Way too many loose ends. Not enough character development to even determine how good of a story it could have been. It did have potential.

Will Withhold Voting

Everyone else summed it up: I have no reason to care. You didn't invest in a story I would invest feelings in. And yes, it screams promise.

Unfulfilled.

Now you can add the prequel

to finish the damn story.

Well done

I'm big fan of the flash format and you have executed it well. You succeded in getting the characters and the story across in I guess around 500 words or 1 page. Late in early out and got the story told. Again, great work.

Missed the point?

Just read through all the other comments. Guess some people don't appreciate the skill involved in getting it all done in a flash story. I picked it up in the "revenge" filter and it certainly is that! The AIDS reference certainly is thought provoking, and that'just what a flash story is supposed to do.

Why is this a loving wives story?

And is all it takes to be a 'good' flash story a guy getting revenge on someone else? Because that's the impression I get from the commenters here.

many don't understand....

....a flash story is short to the point without allot of development. A good flash story is one that can elicit a strong emotional response for the characters and thought provoking.

Good job. 4.5

Should probably have been in Non Erotic

But otherwise, well put together and explains how the incident started from beginning to end.

Flash stories.

I love the format, but this one didn't quite work. I read it a few times to see if I could figure why.

First, it does have the classic "late in" beginning. The deed is already done and we are dealing with the aftermath. However, it doesn't have the "early out" of a good flash tale, nor the little twist in the tail. That lets it down. Flash stories never have a resolution, that is left to the reader.

Secondly, no effective dialogue! The monologue is simple exposition and it doesn't work. There are no interactions between characters.

Finally, not sure you got the character voice or the tense right. Have to think on that!

Good flash is not easy to write. Your story idea is very good, the telling ddidn't quite work.

Cheers
Norm.

Very good!

Loved the story! You did a great job in leading us readers into the situation and left us to try to determine the depth of Jack's strength after such a determined effort to intimidate and humiliate him. Then choosing the location for his revenge was excellent. What better place than in front of their friends, family and peers? I've never had to face anything like that but for it being only a "flash" story could almost feel his pain and then whatever satisfaction he might get from devestating the perpetrators. Good job!

Jesus!!!

Critics every where and none of them capable of sticking their thumb up their ass with both hands.

Lighten up you dickwads it's just a story and IMHO the writer did his very best. That's all he can be asked to do.

Now those qualified to do so, come back with the locations of the stories you've written and we'll critique them for you.

Suspension of disbelief

Sorry, but I found it hard to reconcile the victim being willing to put up with WEEKS of abuse to collect evidence.

I Am At A Loss For Words

There are no secrets in prison. I cannot tell if Jack's brother-in-law is white, or whatever. But if he is white, he stands roughly a 60 percent chance of being sexually assaulted in prison. Courts may render verdicts and sentence people to jail. But justice is administered behind prison bars.