by JimBob44
Yes it is a good story
No it is not too long
no - no - no
Yes i am looling forward to morer r stories of you
the real truth and cream rises to the top. TK U MLJ LV NV
I found nothing in this story to show that the author has any racist attitudes. It was a well written and enjoyable story.
Thank you for the submission.
Interesting story. Hard to follow the flow in a few places, but the length is fine, and the writing is good. Would like to see a followup.
Yes, your stories tend to ramble and involve lots of quirky people that are sometimes almost caricatures of the worst of the worst. But they are great stories! People who don't like your style (which should be no surprise after so many submissions) don't have to read them! For the rest of us, we look forward to the next one!
Your stories are much different from the norm..... and much better. A five.
I have read all your stories and no it is not very long.
It is very good and nicely written.
I did enjoy reading this story.
It was as long as it needed to be
You've done a fine job without an editor
It makes you pay attention if there are more than a few characters
The story did jump around, but again, you had to pay attention
No, you don't suck...
it wasn't stupid, it was more real than a lot of the stories posted here, even though it's made up
It's going to be a better day.
Regards,
Nedthebundler
Wonderful story and characters. Exceptional dialogue. Many good stories on this site are just painful to read due to such poor grammar, punctuation, spelling and lack of editing. If you're not a published writer, you should be! In fact, with some professional work, this could definitely be a screenplay. Thank you.
so I'm going out on a limb and guess that when you REALLY got in trouble, your parents called you JamesRobert. Well, no worries about that here. JimBob, you done good. Thanks for sharing with us.
As you said, it was long and jumped around a bit. Good basic story though. Enjoyed it. Thought the death of Lisa should have warranted more than just a shot of gasoline, a match, and a comment about Katy needing clothes since the fire. It would have flowed a little better at that point with even a more descriptive paragraph of everyone finding out since I kept wondering at first what Katy's response to her mothers death would be. All in all, still better writing than I can do by a long shot - Thanks!
Yes it was long yes there was a lot of characters. No you do not suck who cares if it has mistakes. If I was paying for this story I would expect to find no spelling errors or grammar mistakes. Loved the plot and the outcome . I would say that some of the characters needed to be explained a little more they appear and the reason for them being there is never explored. Overall a truly fun read.
Very enjoyable story. There is no VA hospital in Baton Rouge. There are ones in New Orleans, Alexandria and Shreveport.
Boyd Percy
It was very enjoyable stupid shit.
Most people are capable of sucking, or straws wouldn't be popular.
Jumping is good cardiovascular excercise, and as such can be good for people.
You should look again at how many characters some big name authors use before assuming you have too many.
Everybody who writes needs an editor, because it can be hard to see your own mistakes.
A story is only too long if the reader thinks it is, and is an individual aesthetic. I would have stayed happy if the story had been longer and stayed as entertaining.
I certainly hope you enjoyed writing this story at least as much as I enjoyed reading it.
Thank you for posting it.
And the Louisiana crowd really make reading the story so very enjoyable. Keep it up. Give us more.
This story was GREAT!!! At first, I was not going to read the whole thing and afterwards I COULD NOT STOP!!!
Great Job!!
i really like your story. there was quite a few grammatical errors but i was able to overlook that. the bouncing around was hard to follow and quite a few people died, however, i would say this was one of the better stories i've read in a long time.
Very good story! Loved reading it. There were some annoying spelling mistakes though but they didn’t detract attention from the storyline.
One negative thing though: Katy’s mother is violently murdered and you leave out all further mentioning of that event (besides an oblique reference at Melissa’s funeral) and how it affected Katy and Russell. That should have been adressed.
Yes, it did have some errors but it was a better-than-average read and I don't have the time or balls to write one so my hat's off to you. But you should write another chapter or two and explain about his sister describing how many and the gender of his children that were yet to be born, what happened to the killers and what happened to Darrell if he left his wife. Keep writing. Samsiewamsie
"Yes, it was too long.
Yes, I need an editor.
Yes, there were too many people to keep track of.
Yes it jumped around too much.
Yes I suck.
Yes this was stupid shit."
and
Yes, Darryl was a racist, narcissistic, sexual predator.
JimBob44 concluded: "I write these stories for my pleasure; I post them here for your enjoyment. Thank you for reading it"
I read these stories - the good ones - for my pleasure. Thank you for writing it. .
"Yes, it was too long."
Actually, it could have been longer: you could have spent some space on what happened as a result of the murders of Lisa and the other three.
And you could go on another track about Ethel.
"Yes, I need an editor."
I've been paid a good deal of money to be an editor, but I don't recall anything that I wouldn't put down to your own style. I'm very particular but I do not recall anything that caused my eyes to cross. ;-)
"Yes, there were too many people to keep track of."
Naw, your character count was fine.
"Yes it jumped around too much.
I'm an old fart, but I didn't get lost.
"Yes I suck."
As long as you don't bite, it's OK to suck.
"Yes this was stupid shit."
I enjoyed it enough to read it all in one day. I skip stupid shit.
"Have a nice day."
Thank you, and you have one as well.
ram
hi i liked it ,it wasnt too long ,i read lot of edited stories that suck,the other stuff is crap you write them i"ll read tham the rest of the pickers can go pound sand thanks again
I forgot to add this to my earlier comment. I guess you write from home now.
Good story with good character development for those that needed it. Liked it all. Jumpy in parts but who cares? Enjoyable.
Welcome Back, Jim...
I suppose that your doing your stories from home now...lol. I do hope to see more stories from you...
Despite what you said about the story, I still liked it. I liked the "normal" people. They had average physical attributes, real life problems, and normal concerns. There were no SEALs or rich beautiful people. I thank you for a story about the average person, doing his best to meet their responsibility abilities, and finding love. Thanks for that.
Yes, there were the errors you described, who gives a shit? So you didn't have it edited, who gives a shit? I have to pay a professional editor to edit my novels, but this is a nonpaid erotica site, so who gives a shit? These stories are where writers learn to write. People pay good money for my books so there is the difference and why unless your writing is atrocious, which it's not, you don't need an editor.
I enjoyed your story. Did I think it was too long? Maybe. Should it have been shorter? Maybe. Who gives a shit?
I'll say this though, I cried like a baby when Melissa died. And I cried like a baby when he hired the violinists and asked Penny to marry him. And I laughed in other places and I was angry in a few. That is what you want from a story, to elicit responses such as I had, from your readers. But one thing I learned years ago. No matter how good a story is, there will be those who hated it. So don't sweat the small shit.
JP
Yes, it should have been in 2 parts,
Yes, an Editor might have helped,
Yes, it was confusing at times
But
Once we passed the half-way point, it read quite well.
I look forward to reading a few more!
HP
About the best story I have read on here in the last 5 years. Keep on writing.
jim bob i loved it. i like russel how he started out hating penny and by then end fell in love
One thing that was strange - lots of good character development on the psycho first wife and her evil companions, and then, bam - half way through the story they are all gone suddenly in a puff of smoke. Could have kept the tension between the good and the evil going for a bit longer. I figured Penny for the good eventual wife up front but that didn't make the story less enjoyable. Interesting story, though. BTW I didn't see the author or the story as racist.
Loved it, when ya gonna write a second part about Ethyl? As far as an editor goes, there are several great ones here at Lit that are free. Just visit the volunteer editors section. I have one helping me with a series I'm writing. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. Writing is about expression, its yours and yours alone, don't let the bastards out there bring you down! Look forward to more from you.
and not "stupid shit" as the author writes at the end.Come on JB, don't be so hard on yourself.
I liked it, and so did others...isn't that what counts and the end?
LeFrog.
a great storyline and a well written story.
Thanks for the read
I write these stories for my pleasure; I post them here for your enjoyment. Thank you for reading it.
You are welcome, thank you for writing it...
Yes, it was too long.
Nope, just right...
Yes, I need an editor.
True...
Yes, there were too many people to keep track of.
A good editor would help with that...
Yes it jumped around too much.
A little...
Yes I suck.
Wrong...
Yes this was stupid shit.
Wrong, it was a good read...
Have a nice day.
You have a nice day too...
And yes it was awesome! Such a great job developing some good characters but I felt a bit confused on some of the minor players like the cops. Other then that it was perfect if it wasn't free I would have paid money to read it.
loved it! Russel was such a great character. Penny was great also (even if she was a lawyer lol). Am seriously lovin your stories.
I enjoyed the story, even if you had doubts on your own ability , so hope you write a part # 2. You can even make it longer, as I really dislike the short stories some writers submit,you just start to enjoy one of their stories and it's over.Rated your story with 5 Stars (think you deserved more but 5 was upper limit offered).Keep up your fine work.
I love the overall story. You of course need an editor but other than that, it's awesome. The conflicts seem a bit hastened though.
Still a damned compelling read. Keep the "stupid shit" coming.
Yes, it was perhaps a bit long.
Yes, a good editor might have helped.
I don't think it jumped around too much, but what do I know?
I think the cast of characters, as regards size, was fine.
I think you got the most important thing right; you nailed the characterization, and made your readers care about the main characters enough that all the other factors didn't matter - so here I am, up too late because I wanted to finish. So all the other stuff? Unimportant.
If you ever want an editor, loom me up - medinnus@gmail.com
Hey! I like your "stupid shit". Whadaya charge to suck? Good story JB. If you edit yourself, you do fine work. I usually hang out in the "Loving Wives" section, but this was a nice change up. Not too long for my taste, but what do I know? Cheers!
Really liked this one as it was a nice romance with your peculiar brand of humor to entertain me.
This was one great read. I don't usually go in for the romance section, but this story read like a book from the library. Might have been some misspellings, I didn't notice them and the grammar and sentence structure is what it is. True to the story.
excellent work.
a moving story of adversity turning into romance. well written and a compelling read
So I Thought!!! What a fun well written story. Thanks for sharing this great read.
Well written and presented. Thanks.
Yes you need a proof reader. Lovely characters and a fine romantic plot shine through the small errors. Write on....
Hello ! I enjoyed your story! I'm Africacan American and as I read your story I didnt find it racist , I found it showed a take on how all types of people make the world go round and that good and bad come's in all flavors!!
thanks for the story. i enjoyed it. as you have said, it does jump, but it is still a great story.
The author really glossed over the cheating wife and her boyfriends death. They get get killed and no mention of it by the other characters, no suspicion on the ex husband....nothing.Even the little girl didn't care her mother was dead.
Have read enough of your stories to admire you as a writer. It takes work and skill to develop characters and bring them to life even if built upon models from life (That's a guess on my part). It takes work and skill to craft their voices, even when using regionalisms one knows well. It takes work and skill to be patient enough to develop story arcs gradually and make the time flow naturally. There can always be quibbles about...well, about anything and everyone's work (and I think even the best of writers and editors miss things). No biggie. Keep up the good work.
You have a lovely style & your stories generally flow beautifully. However you do drop some clangers. In this story you just completely glossed over the mother's death. Before the fact it was obvious that Katy loved her mother; after the fact it was as though she didn't exist. It ruins an otherwise excellent story.
(BTW - I think that you are the natural heir to Tony155 - you write warm & engaging stories with characters that you warm to.)
I like the context of the story. The story was good, but the State Attorney's Office being the cause of five people being murdered, by ordering the release of Mustapha Ahknahari, makes that state leadership appear to be corrupted. That is not a good way to present any of part of America's Gov. The ex-wife and her boyfriend did not do any long suffering.
Well done. The story was entertaining and written in a manner that allowed me to connect with the characters. Keep up the good work.
Yes I liked it very much. It was not too long, it was very enjoyable. Thank you very much for this offering.
The Muslim assassin was a bit messy, but the story was otherwise fantastic. Hot sex, great dialogue, and I really liked your main characters. Killing the black kid and the retarded girl was cold though.
gave it a five-star rating just because of your candidness with the * at the end. Awesome. rock on.
I have very much enjoyed your story.
I do NOT agree with any of your comments at the end of the story. Very well done.
I do like the humour inserted now and then.
Thankyou
I loved the story! I will be on the lookout for more of your stories
Enjoyed this completely...good characters...great interplay...build up and a great ending!
Very good character development and story flow!
Only criticism was confusion over character names (too many "no relation" phrases).
I note that a lot of authors on Lit. write 2 page stories. The length of this story doesn't hinder the flow - but splitting the story into 3-4 chapters might help.
I like your style - good job!
It was a very nice story! I really enjoyed it. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I had a hard time following sometimes when the you moved from paragraph to paragraph. I was always able to figure it out though. I enjoyed the characters, their backstories, and their dialogue with each other. I hope you keep writing!!
...and the pre-emptive strike at the end pushed it to a solid five, all on its own! Well done. And hey, if you ever WANT an editor, hit me up, or anybody else on Literotica. Stories this good are a pleasure to work with.
but I did read it and did enjoy it, thanks.....bill
Good story, only complaint is that you played up the rib injury to a point it seemed like you were writing for it to end up something else. Then it just kind of dissapeared and moved on, maybe I just read to far into it personally but it just read as more important than just being a bruised rib. In the end doesnt matter, a good story none the less and 5/5.
Who gives a stuff about the intricacies of the American legal system, you tell a great story, with warm believable characters, and satisfying villains. You are an excellent image creator. Have enjoyed your work for a while. Keep it up
And your right who cares about the other stuff -
I really enjoy the connections between your stories - it makes it feel like a real community with continuity between characters beyond just this tale - you suddenly remember "that guy" from another story - thanks -
surprised u, I noticed you were not able to form a complete paragraph.
Don't put your problems off on someone else. He obviously, from the comments, has written a decent story.
DON'T BE A FUCKING ANNONYMOOSE TROLL
This story could have been posted in the "Loving Wives" category, but had you done so the ratings would almost certainly have been lower as the misogynistic revenge and BTB crowd would have 1-bombed you.
Perhaps your story is a bit too soft and overly romantic but I quite enjoyed reading it. Two people who have been burned by selfish, manipulative spouses and a previously adversarial acquaintance nevertheless manage to overcome their differences.
Some elements were a bit over-the-top (like the ex-wife and boytoy getting torched by a muslim gangster) but overall an enjoyable read.
It was fine with me. A few grammatical errors, but all in all, a good story.
Enjoyed it immensely!
Yep there were a few typos, but nothing that interupted the flow of the story