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English
rain , welcome .....
coolin' showers ....: 5-ed .
AN END TO A DROUGHT
relief is in sight. TK U MLJ LV NV
liked the image
of the birds pressed together such a concrete vision
Two different pictures
emerge from this for me and keep me from being able to connect to it, though like Harry, I like the small snapshot of the birds.
The first vision comes from these lines:
at last the rain
beats fingers against
brown drum of earth
to raise steady rhythm...
roots straining to break surface
reaching
reaching
drinking
like a dry sea-bed welcoming the return of its tides
and the second vision comes from these lines:
set greens to dance
to dip and sway...
confer in a shouldering of feather to feather
under the dim canopy
The first set of lines gives me a vision of parched earth, long lacking water
The second set give me a vision of verdant green, grass has to be long to sway
and a canopy has to be thick to dim, both of which imply healthy growth
I just can't reconcile the two being presented simultaneously in my head. As others didn't seem to have a problem with it, I'm guessing it's me. Still, thought I'd share my reader difficulty.
answered in depth on the forum trix
but would titling this English Summer (or something that indicates a normally more temperate zone) make it work any better for you? is the phrasing in the first 4 lines too reminiscent of africa/australia even for it to hold?
5ed
reason for:
reaching
reaching
drinking
instead of reach, reach to drink...?
to 1201
I feel the ing endings here are warranted as to me they give a sense of movement that reach reach, drink, an immediacy that seems to play in current tense.
It did as ually feel Ile a poem about some of the places I have been, you have trees here that havestill grow thick canopies without much water. It I think turned out far broader than you may have intended butters.
I agree with trix on most of her points and have little to add bar
5ed
twelve
in this instance, i felt the ings stretched out the words, the feeling of the strained reaching... not an easy thing for roots stuck in dry earth. it sounded (in my head) of a more persistent motion than reach, reach/drink - trying to explain this better. i know, i know, we're not supposed to BUT: reach/reach/to drink sounds a broken sense of motion to me, stilted, whereas reaching/reaching/drinking felt more of a continuous urgency. if that even makes sense.
if i'd drop an ing in this it'd be the one on welcoming :)
thanks for the read/comment & recommendation over on the forum
tods
it certainly seems to have issues i didn't think about before submitting. perhaps a title change, less emphasis on the brown/drum thing might consolidate though it was the contrast i was working with intentionally. back to the drawing board :D thanks!
duh!
thanks twelve for the recommendation of invisible man, not this piece. oops :o
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