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English
Considering there are a significant amount of women on this site...
You shouldn't use the word "you" to narrate. You're forcing your readers to imagine that they are having sex with a woman, and a lot of straight women are not going to like that. You're going to get a poor rating from that alone. You're better off using he/she, and their names.
you is (are) fine
It appears that this is among your very first submissions. Welcome! Write how you want. Use whatever wording you like, sleazyegg. Poor rating? Aww poor you! Women who don't like your wording have other stories here they will find pleasure in. Maybe you wish to cater to a specific audience. Go for it! I enjoyed your story. You are aware of rhythm and your vocabulary, while at times contrived, is ambitious. I found the end a bit lacking, but this is not necessarily a bad thing! Congratulations on your first submissions! I'm looking forward to more.
I don't know...
Personally I always find a sudden switch from nonconsent to willingness confusing. But, I will not "hate" or "flame" such a sudden change of heart in a fictional victim as I know that some people can somehow understand and enjoy such sudden emotional changes without explanation.
The I/you form of narration irks me a bit, of course, as I prefer to choose myself which character I wish to imagine myself to be ;) But, of course, not that hard to try to pretend I am the I and not the you -- until the points, of course, when I can no longer follow why the I does what she does.
In spite of you writing in the I/you form, (which is not a favorite form of mine,) and you writing in present tense, (which also is not a favorite of mine,) the reading went smoothly and painlessly, so I do believe it must be well written. (As it is usually quite painful to read styles that are not usually to my liking).
So, keep writing, not everyone is into exactly the same thing, and it can take a while for the readers who can follow your fantasy every step of the way to arrive, but eventually they will find you -- if you don't give up :)
For every one. There is another and more. Somewhere.
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